The Gay Guy Chronicles: Sex, Dating, and Life with a J-Pouch

Hello Fellas, and possibly Ladies.


 I welcome anyone to be part of this conversation, but don't want to offend any ladies, or underage folks, so with sincere consideration, ask that you please know that I'll be discussing all of the 'in's and out's' of gay life in this post.  There- you have been warned.


This post is to reach out and somewhat share my experience as a gay man living with a J-Pouch. A little about me- I am 33, Had my J-Pouch connection surgery in October 2007, so I'm an 11 year proud member of the J-Pouch  club. I had UC for my entire life until I had surgery, and now Im fully back in action. I had relatively zero issues following surgery, and almost carry a bit of survivors guilt from not having any issues whatsoever. I may have had pouchitis twice, but that is about it.  I have been able to eat anything (just with extreme caution for spicy spicy foods, due to burning) and have a full active healthy life.

Now for the gay 'Sex' part of this post... for anyone who is uncomfortable discussing the male anatomy in terms of sexuality, I advise you to look away now! You've been warned again!


I, as a relatively attractive gay guy, have  a rather active sex life. I always have. As I hope most anyone who wants one has.  As a gay man, I've always naturally been a top. I'm dominant, aggressive, and its always fit my personality quite nicely.  I did bottom only 2 times before I had my surgery, and now that I have a J-Pouch, bottoming is not only out of the question, but its nearly impossible- mainly because there is no pleasure sensations down there for me to enjoy prostate stimulation whatsover. I am assuming this is common with everyone else. I had a colonoscopy (or in our world 'pouch-scope') recently, and it took all of 5 minutes, and got the 'all clear' from my doctor. So I have nothing really to complain about.  It's just that I am curious, if anyone at all has explored trying to bottom since surgery? My surgeon advised strongly against it. And I've not even tried practicing with a small 'toy' to open my up, because I am just frankly scared to even try it.

 

Fast forward, a couple months ago, starting dating a guy who enjoyed (for lack of better words) 'eating my ass' during sex. I was scared to let him at first, and then he assured me that he wanted to regardless of my insecurities, he loved it, and I derived some intense pleasure from it. However, I am very insecure about allowing someone to do that, because as a J-Poucher, I have to poop like 4 times + a day now, so I have developed some small external hemorrhoids or 'external piles' that are not the hottest thing to look at, and I feel self conscious about them. I am totally content living the rest of my life knowing I'll never bottom again, and have to be grateful that I am healthy which is my main priority in life. However, I was curious, do any of you guys share this same insecurity or thoughts?  I mean, now the older I get, I just want to feel like I don't want to die without experiencing the FULL circle of life, including a sexually fluid physical ability that allows me to do with my body what I wish, although I fear my anatomy will prevent it, sadly.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not upset or anything about this, but would like to have a larger conversation about this, and any other issues as Gay Men that we probably all share, believe it or not.

 

In my experience, the partners I've had have all been cool with it, but it is something I would like to talk with you guys more about.Heath Daws Pic

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Thanks for this post! As a woman, I have been advised strongly against anything, even a finger going into my rectum so I am steering clear for the integrity of my pouch--I don't want to mess around with that delicate, altered anatomy. But, I do also get self-conscious about having sex sometimes because of the pressure sensations with sex and worry about leakage. I know as a gay man your experience is different but wanted to reassure you that I am sure most people have some insecurities at times with sex and sex play---as does everyone. With that said, I think that if you found you are comfortable with your partner enough to enjoy oral sex in that area---that is wonderful! I would be very cautious about taking it further because of the risk of possible injury  

Happy to hear you are healthy and enjoying life (and sex!) 

Thank you so much Julie, I appreciate your reply! You are probably right, risking it is just not really worth it- and I would imagine everyone has the same ''err on the side of caution'' perspective on it too, as no one would want to risk being responsible for inducing their own additional health issue. 

I'm 100% bottom here. The decision for a total colectomy, even while dying from UC, was difficult for me as it effectively ended my sex life. I was recently with someone and I did allow them to use their finger, but I couldn't relax for fear that I might leak, or something was going to be torn, etc.

In the end (no pun), everything was fine. I've been told I have a long. . .uhh. . . anal canal (not sure the correct medical terminology). I'm not sure if that is a real thing, if it makes any difference, but mentally at the time, I kept telling myself everything is fine, they aren't even reaching my surgical spot.

I hope to try that again sometime, but full on sex is never going to happen again.

 

Heath - My situation sounds very similar to yours  - other then the fact that I'm a straight woman lol.  I had UC as a young adult and eventually ended up with a total coloectomy and j-pouch. Knock on wood - I've had no big problems since my last surgery in 2001.  I don't have any further association with doctors, except for my annual pap tests, and I pretty much live a normal life other than what I assume are typical j-pouch related symptoms such as frequent bathroom breaks, fatigue, etc.

Not to be overly graphic, but my husband and I have worked slowly (over the course of a year or so) into anal and find that it is a very enjoyable part of our sex life.  He is very well endowed and we've definitely been careful about how deep he goes, but I just want to let you know that it has been possible for us. 

I also relate in regard to insecurities about the appearance of piles, scars, etc. around the ass area and that whole "how in the world does he put his mouth on that!?" thought. Lol that's just something you'll have to deal with.  Dim the lights and just try not to overthink it. If it doesn't bother your partner then try not to let it bother you.

 

Good luck,

 

N Fos,

Thank you for sharing your perspective, particularly as a straight woman, as I'm sure there are many others in the same boat as we are who can benefit from our experiences and advice.

Your story is really inspiring, considering you are able to actually integrate anal into your sex routine, (within reason) and still enjoy it.  I am honestly shocked that you are able to do so- I will keep that in mind for the future.  Working slowly is key, sounds like.

I really really appreciate your contribution to the conversation, because the more information we can get on this, the better! 

On a separate note, since the post (which was back in March of last year) my life has taken quite a drastic turn..for the better! 

In May 2018 I met someone, and began dating him, and over the course of the past 9 months, we've fallen for each other and got engaged on my birthday at the end of last year! Now I say this not to brag or boast, because that, quite frankly, is not in my nature.  However, I say that to give you some background and insight to who my partner is.. He is a gay guy, who considered himself versatile, enjoying both bottom and topping.  On the very first night that we had a date, I was honest with him, and opened up about my past medical history, my situation with visiting the bathroom alot, and getting up throughout the nights during sleep. But for me, most importantly, if I was going to building anything of value with this guy, I had to speak frankly about my abilities (rather inabilities) sexually, and just tell him what it was that I could and could not do. So, I broke down over dinner, tears were flying (and I'm no drama queen so it was coming from a deep routed place in my heart of honesty), etc. However, through opening up, he actually received my message with openness and a spirit of rather than seeing my inability to bottom as something that was  a negative, he just saw it as something about who I am, and that it is by no means everything or all consuming.  When it comes to really deeply connecting with someone, you learn that sex is truly a way of communicating your love for one another- and I had actually placed a TON of unnecessary expectations on myself and my body, to perform in a way that I anatomically was not designed to do.  Therefore, once I let all that go, we were able to move forward building on integrity, and grounding  our relationship on solid reality rather than unrealistic expectations.

It sounds cliche, but its true, when you meet the right person, it doesn't matter what you think you can and can't do, because what truly matters is the love energy that you create, nurture, and return to one another if the connection is sincere.  I'm fortunate to have been able to find my soul mate in this lifetime, and every night before I go to bed, I thank the universe/god/my lucky stars/etc.  that I have found the one for me.

Now on a sexual note, the chemistry has never been better! Even with him being 'versatile' he is a pleaser personality, which is to my benefit! He is happy not topping another guy, and we've found a few creative ways to have some fun here and there that makes us both happy. 

So believe it or not, this story has a happy ending..to this chapter anyway. I know this is just the first of many chapters, in my book of life, but when you have someone to love, it actually makes life worth living again, and I haven't felt this good since before I was diagnosed with UC, and to those of you who have been in the same boat I have, and actually remember a life BEFORE you were sick all the time, you probably reminisce about those days of not having to take meds, or worry about being sick, or the next hospital visit/procedure/etc.  That is something my partner has given me, which he says was inside me all along, that I just needed someone   to help bring it out- okay, I know this story is now dripping with cheesiness, but its true!

So, Here's to everyone finding someone or something that makes them feel love, and happiness, despite any physical illness or obstacle we face. Because at the end of the day, "the greatest gift of life is to know love"- Quoted from one of my favorite musical duos, Indigo Girls, Song- 'All That We Let In'.

 

 

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