I'm 100% bottom here. The decision for a total colectomy, even while dying from UC, was difficult for me as it effectively ended my sex life. I was recently with someone and I did allow them to use their finger, but I couldn't relax for fear that I might leak, or something was going to be torn, etc.
In the end (no pun), everything was fine. I've been told I have a long. . .uhh. . . anal canal (not sure the correct medical terminology). I'm not sure if that is a real thing, if it makes any difference, but mentally at the time, I kept telling myself everything is fine, they aren't even reaching my surgical spot.
I hope to try that again sometime, but full on sex is never going to happen again.