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I don't know if anyone else out there will share this in common with me. I really hope so. I'm tormented very much by this and have never met anyone who feels the way I do. I am worried I am strange.

I actually have a J pouch and sometimes I forget I do. I had my takedown in 2011, had about 7 weeks of butt burn and maybe one bout of what was possibly pouchitis and then golden. I got a job 6 weeks out of the hospital and have been living life on a fast track ever since. I actually forgot the dates of my surgeries for a moment when I was filling out my profile - that's how far removed I am from my illness now. I had a ton of complications when I was going through my surgeries and thought there would be no hope. i read all kinds of horror stories online and thought for sure I was doomed. But the normal distribution doesn't lie. 68% of us do amazing, and 95% of us have a very satisfactory outcome. So your chances of success are high, and the internet is skewed. (Ok i needed to put some optimism on here. I know I needed it when I was going through this surgery process.)

However, I am still tormented by my illness past for some reason. I wish I could just get over it. It seems so stupid, right? I'm well now. Why am I still tormented? I see all these people who were never sick and I'm jealous of the time they had to build their careers. I feel like I have to live three days for every day just to catch up to where I feel like I'm supposed to be. I'm 32 and I've never made much money in my life and I always felt like I'd be able to do something significant with my life, that would change something about the world, that would have an impact, but it hasn't happened because my whole life up until a year ago was devoted to colitis. I'm scared that for the decade of fighting I did to get well, the fact that I lost my twenties to UC has screwed me, even though I'm well now. It feels like it doesn't matter how hard I fought - in the end I still get nothing. I feel like a bad person, ungrateful, for seeing my health simply as a consolation prize. I'm suffering from mental health issues now to the point where I've been in a psychiatric hospital because I can't get over the trauma of never being able to trust any decisions I make because of how flare-ups would always take away anything I was working on at the time. Any time I was in a relationship or I had a cool job going or an interesting class or a degree program or a business idea, I'd be in the hospital inside of 6 months and would have to drop it or if I didn't have to drop it, I could never really devote my time and energy to it because I was always fatigued or broke from searching for doctors or trying treatments or trying to pay medical debt. It was hard to keep a job, and therefore health insurance, because of the flares. I want the time that I lost. I still want my dreams to come true and when I got well, when I first started to really feel good after my take-down, I thought I had the world in the palm of my hands. But I don't. I just feel like a 32 year old loser. Am I a twisted ungrateful person? I think I must be. My marriage is on the verge of collapse over my depression...everything I built up and worked for is coming apart. I had such hope for my life and now I am just overwhelmed with anxiety that STILL nothing is going to work. Sometimes my husband, who has a PhD and his own company, even says to me, "You will never be as successful as me. You had an illness. You don't have the time that I had to build your career. You have to accept that." But I don't want to accept that. I want to believe I still have a chance to be somebody.

I decided to post this on the J pouch forum because I don't know too many other illnesses where full recovery is possible. What is it like out there for people who go from being bed ridden and dependent on others to working and running around and living a full life in less than a year? It's a bizarre transition that I'm having a hard time with. You'd think a transition into something good would be easy -- I thought it would be! But it was very jarring. Being sick and dependent is a mindset that has to be unlearned. At least for me. Has anyone had to unlearn being sick and seeing themselves as sick? Has anyone ever felt jealous of people who never had illnesses and never had to doubt themselves or lose time in their careers/lives?
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You are only 32 and you have your health. I think you might have found out that you have PTSD and depression and I understand why. Plus I think your husband is an ass. How unsupporting or passive aggressive was he for saying you'd never be as good or able to catch up to him. Who say's you want to. There is more to life the money. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you are happy.

I had my profession and had my own firm with 5 employees and I loved it. All the years of coming up through the ranks I started my own CPA firm. I started it from scratch with one client.

We had 2 wonderful children, in middle and high school, and a good marriage. Finally everything was going great. Then I started getting ill, first female problems and then UC. I had to take the devil prednisone and gained 65 pounds, dish face etc, But I still worked the long hours needed when building a business. A year later came the fibromyalgia diagnosis and I kept working. Working 60 hour weeks during tax season and less during the rest of the year.

Spring 2000 I was sitting at my desk, not knowing what to do. I was trying to hire another CPA so I could decrease my work load as I couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't working out very well. I said a little prayer for help. I don't remember if it was that day or the next a business broker called and he had another CPA interested in buying my firm.

I sold it the end of August 2000 and took a year off. It was hard, it felt like I'd raised a child and then had to give it away because I couldn't take care of it anymore. I grieved my loss. Then I worked part-time tax seasons through 2010. In March of 2010 my UC flair from hell started and my fibromyalgia flared up accordingly.

After a long painful summer I had the colonoscopy from hell and had the surgeries, my take down was 12/29/10. I was sure all was going to be better and I'd be back to work in no time!

I've had problems all around and am now disabled. I'm collecting social security disability. Talk about being robbed, plus I have to use a cane part of the time. I'm in therapy for depression, anxiety and PTSD.

We are survivors and the great thing is you came out in good health. You are young. You can still go to school if you want to. You've got at least 30 working years ahead of you. Forget all your friends and husband and catching up with them. You'd be surprised how fast you can advance when you are older and not an immature 20 something. Go for it. Life is not a game where the person with the most money is the winner. Go for your dream. Take chances and live! You are blessed with good health and a drive to succeed. Don't waste your time doing or working anywhere you don't want to be. Life is to short to waste on toxic people and bad jobs.
Last edited by TE Marie
I think a lot of people go through what you're going through. Some don't and that is awesome. But I think that as time goes on those feelings will start waning. I think it's just the process you need to go through.

The fact that you realize that you have those feelings and that you're able to verbalize it will most likely help with the 'waning.'

Years and years and years ago I went to a [very stupid] therapist. I was telling him pretty much what you just said and that everyone else seemed to be doing much better than I was. He said the only sensible thing that I ever heard come out of his mouth: "You don't actually know if others are doing better than you. You aren't living their life." [Or something to that affect.] But it made me realize that those people who I thought were doing well just might have their own demons to deal with.

And most people think that having a PhD makes one rather intelligent. But telling you that "You will never be as successful as [your husband]. You had an illness. You don't have the time that [your husband] had to build your career. You have to accept that" doesn't seem all that bright. Or caring. Or empathetic. People who haven't gone through what we've gone through are mostly quite clueless.

kathy Big Grin
Kathy and TE Marie,

Thanks for your replies.

Kathy - btw love your quote. I am kind of a deadhead myself so yeah...totally agree. What a long strange trip it's been!!! I play in a jam band that has kinda the same flavor as that era of music. I'm taking a break from it duue to life insanity but someday I'll go back I hope. I miss it very much.

I actually talked to my husband tonight about that comment, which he said when we were fighting with each other. He apologized for it. I don't think he really thinks that. We are having a really rough time with our marriage because I'm having such a hard time with myself. We just got married in June. He actually stood by my side through the last few years of my illness plus all of my surgeries. Hopefully we can heal the wounds we've stabbed into each other in the last few months. It's been rough.

I do agree that I probably have PTSD. Oddly enough though, I went to this Crohns and Colitis Foundation Meeting as a guest speaker at the University where I work to talk about my J pouch. I was expecting to find some kindred spirits in the undergraduate students I met there. But I was shocked to find that none of them seemed all that bothered by their illnesses. A couple of them played sports. One of them had a snarky, humorous attitude about all the drugs she had tried and all the pieces of her colon she had hacked out. Maybe it was a coping mechanism, maybe not. But all of them were very active in their lives nevertheless. And all of them seemed kind puzzled when I told them I was relieved to finally not feel like a big baby, or a useless dependent anymore now that I was well. I explained how a lot of people I knew blamed me for my UC, or thought I was just being dramatic or "making up" my condition to get attention or (as my stupid brother put it) "just a sign that I was bad at dealing with breakups" (My flares often correlated with breakups, but both were often so it was probably a mixture of stress and coincidence.) None of them had really dealt with that. I felt like such an idiot. I thought, wow...I am really sensitive. I was such a wuss about my disease! These girls are so strong compared to me! Here I was the guest speaker, and I should take a lesson from them.

So i've been trying to from that day on. To try to be strong and move forward. But the jealousy and the past still haunts me. It's so hard to erase emotions. I have a hard time with emotions anyway.

Anyway sorry for my long long posts. Thank you again for your kindness on this board. I very much appreciate it.
Coming for someone who has lost MANY years of productivity and a very lucrative career to UC and still managed to raise a family during my years of illness, I understand your concerns. I also happen to fall in the unfortunate pool who has not experienced a cure in any way at all since my surgery in 2011 ( yes I am one of the major j pouch failures with multiple issues since surgery that I never had prior to). Please forgive me if this sounds insensitive but I suggest you try and see the bright side of your situation and relish your new found health and get busy doing the things you were unable to do with your UC. You are young and still have plenty of time in front of you. Possibly if you try to lower your expectations, you can find joy and gratefulness in today. Renewed health is one of greatest gifts in life not to be squandered as no one knows what tomorrow may bring. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I know physical illness can wreak havoc on our emotional well being. Try and stay positive if you can.
Last edited by jeane
PTSD can often be a delayed reaction, especially when dealing with a chronic illness. When the stressor is right there in your face, you're just in coping mode and not really processing it. But when the stessor is removed, your body and mind are still programmed to be in "fight or flight" mode, hardwired to deal with stress even if that danger is no longer immediately present. You find out that whatever system you used to cope before doesn't apply anymore, and it's like learning to adapt to a new normal. It can be hard.

I got hit with PTSD/anxiety/depression about 8 months or so after my first surgery, which was an emergency. It puzzled me because I thought I was doing fine emotionally up to that point, though I still had some physical issues from complications of being severely ill, and I was facing two more surgeries. I just kind of unraveled, I wasn't sleeping, etc. At the time I also didn't get a lot of sympathy--the general attitude was "well your colitis is cured so you don't have any reason to be upset anymore." As I found out the hard way, it's not nearly that simple.

Anyway, the point is, a lot of people experience what you have after a major illness and life changing event. It's important to have a strong support system in place - and TALK about things when you can, don't bottle them up. If you don't want to dump on your family, a therapist or support group can be helpful. I would recommend looking for a therapist with experience dealing in chronic illness.

It does get better, though it can take time.
Lots of good points being made and I won't repeat them. I wanted to give my perspective, as one of those who didn't suffer from depression, anxiety, or PTSD due to my UC. I don't know if it was because I was diagosed when I was 15 and had more than 20 years of living with UC before my colectomy, or because that was just my nature all along.

Anyway, my point is that you cannot measure or judge yourself against other people. Everyone has challenges in their lives, some more than others. That does not mean those challenges should prevent you from acheiving goals. Thousands of people every day start over in their 30s, for all sorts of reasons. Usually, they don't even have a good excuse like chronic illness. Usually, it is just poor choices. So, once you get feeling good about yourself, you can keep looking forward at what you can accomplish, rather than looking back at what was lost.

Married couples fight and say things they regret all the time, so try not to let that get you down either. It is not easy being the healthy one either. I know it seems counter intuitive, but if you think about it, having to always be the support, cheerleader, and breadwinner gets old too. It can be hard when you can't be sick or vulnerable, because your partner is. Of course, it is not as if any of use choose to be sick.

Jan Smiler
I had a friend tell me that I caused my illness. We were talking on the phone. I said, "Goodbye Jane." That was the last time I talked with her. But it's not quite as easy to divorce a brother. Hopefully he'll realize the error of his ways some day soon.

I 'came down' with a case of PTSD years after my surgery and after an automobile accident. I think the accident was the straw that broke the camel's back. When I finally dragged myself to my doctor I refused to tell her what I thought was going on because that was HER job, damn it! [Yeah, I had that anger thing going on.] She's very good though and diagnosed PTSD and prescribed Zoloft and therapy. I swear - that Zoloft kicked in almost immediately. Within two days I was back to myself. It usually takes quite a bit longer. I'm still taking it and have tried going off a couple of times which results in me saying to DAMN BRIAN: "It would be in your best interest if you picked up my prescription." That's all he needs to hear. He's there. He brings. He throws it in the room and runs. [Okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but almost.] I figure that taking this medication is no different than taking any other regularly prescribed medication - like statins or diabetes or heart medicine. I'm sorry that there is a stigma about antidepressants. There shouldn't be.

BTW - I think many marriages start out a little rough because it's just the nature of things. At some point one realizes how to pick the battles and let go of the little things. It's always nice when one admits mistakes said in the heat of the moment and then follows up and apologizes. The world could use more people taking responsibility and apologizing.

And I would SO like to have that Pollyana persona that Jan has. But....

kathy Big Grin
Last edited by kathy smith
I'm happy you and your husband had such a good conversation. I take back all the bad things I said about him, he sounds like a real keeper.

I'd like to add to Kathy's post above. It was not the disease,operations or problems afterwards that completely caused my depression, anxiety and PTSD. It was the final experiences that pushed me over into PTSD. During therapy I needed to go back to my first truama and it was momma trauma from my childhood.

I don't feel weak as I overcame some serious abuse to have a wonderful husband, family and career. I don't feel ashamed because I'm in therapy and take medications. I'd already been on one antidepressant for my fibromyalgia before the surgeries and took xanex every time I had to step on a plane and at other times. I just need more help currently.
BMarie,
So sorry, I just read your post and you honestly deserve answers from as many of us as possible to remind you that you are not alone.
No life is linear. No one has a truely easy ride. No one lives anyone elses' life. You only know your your pain. No one else will ever understand you and what you are going through (except maybe us).
Yes, hubbys say stupid things. Yes, fights bring out the worst in us. Yes, you have to forgive and forget (or at least forgive Big Grin) if you ever want to move forward. Yes, the first year of marriage when you are very ill is the hardest (unless you keep getting ill!).
And yes, I am profoundly jealous of those healthy people who have never had more than a splinter or hemmoroid (I wished that one on them!) that complain constantly about every single friggen thing. I am jealous of those people who lived through highschool without shi-ting their pants twice daily and bleeding down their legs in class. I am jealous of those who who went to their graduation in a strapless dress and danced the night away. Or went away to university and lived on campus.
And of couse I am jealous of the life that this disease has never, ever allowed me to live, the innocence that I have never known and the fact that I feel more comfortable in a hospital I.C.U unit than I do in a discotech.
All that said...I am married to a great man who by all accounts is still a man and says 'stupid man-things' at the absolutley wrong time and does 'stupid man-stuff' at exactly the wrong time too. He is blissfully ignorant of those things at those times but has the common sense that God gave him to appologise and beg me for forgiveness and promise to never, ever do it again until the next time ( Big Grin).
I have never lived the life that I ddreamt of, I never got the chance. But I did live the life that I could. I never had kids, but I got step-kids and grandkids. (Just had a 40th birthday party for stepdaughter #1 last night with 40 for dinner...ouch!).
I am 52, will never be a doctor or finish anything that I started. But I can start a whole lot of new things in the time that I have left to live. I accept my losses without liking it one bit. I accept my limits the same way. But that is life. I believe in God and that helps. I believe in my surgeon the same way.
In the end I have good days and bad ones, healthy ones and not so healthy ones, but I am alive. And where there is life there is hope and that is what I hang on to.
And finally there is this site. This is my blessing. This is where I find love and hope when none is left in my life that day. And this is the only place on earth where I still feel 100% safe.
Hugs
Sharon
EMDR therapy for PTSD is a good treatment, see if your potential therapist uses this method. I don't remember, fibro fog, what the initials stand for. It takes you back to a trauma and you remember things that you didn't know you knew. You then deal with what happened and and some weight is taken off of your burdens. It is hard to explain and it was different than I imagined. My step-sister told me it was a good form. My therapist and I also do talk therapy, and that has helped a lot. My body is still a hot mess but my mind is getting better.
SZM - it was regular talk therapy. But I think that the antidepressant was what did the trick.

Regarding EMDR - I have a friend who was raped by her brother when she was a teenager (ewww). She went to a therapist who performed EMDR. Before that session she KNEW it wouldn't work. I mean, how could it? It's silly hocus pocus. But she did it anyway. ONE session. ONE. She was able to start sleeping better. She didn't have overwhelming anxiety. She was able to deal with her brother and set very good boundaries. My friend isn't easily swayed by anything. She doesn't believe what talking heads tell her, she researches things before believing, and she is one of the most intelligent, sensible, and grounded people I know. So I'm not a complete disbeliever about EMDR.

kathy Big Grin
I was like your friend Kathy, didn't think it would work, and it did. My Internist already had me on antidepressants and told me I needed therapy. My insurance company had a RN checking with me through all of this and she told me I needed therapy, so I pretty much had to go.

Also if you go to a therapist you don't connect with, get a different one.

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