Sorry, all. Was away for a bit of holiday; no fistula trouble, miracle of miracles, and although the pouch acted up some, it wasn't too bad as I didn't have anywhere to be or anything to do other than taking a break.
Then I returned and (cue the bad 80's music) "back to life, back to reality." Stress, of course.
Too, too much going on. Don't know what to stop. Can't make problems surrounding grumpy, opinionated, ailing father or asperger's child or dying dog go away. Can't make fistula and butt problems go away. Can't eat normally, can't exercise other than a moderate 20-minute walk without pooing myself. Earliest surgery can be scheduled is August which is not a good time for family or work. May need to wait until November.
What do I do in the meantime? Eat decent food (by which I mean fruit & veg) and poo myself constantly or stick to white bread/plain meat/bananas for the next several months? Do I quit work, which I love but which does, of course, add to the overall stress scheme? Even though without it I won't have a reason to leave the house and will be stuck with grumpy, opinionated, ailing father 24/7 then?
Just got an email from a colleague & friend who has been -- very deservedly -- promoted to an absolutely GREAT position. He completely deserves it and will do a fantastic job in it. I was reading the details, thinking how wonderful this is for him, when I suddenly burst into tears. The realisation that I will pretty much never be able to take such a position even if I were offered it -- which I never will be now -- hit me like a truckload of bricks.
This damn awful disease and fistula and all the CRAP have stolen so much of my life and I am so very, very tired and depressed about it all. I like to think I'm fairly strong and I want to enjoy life and "be there" for others and cope well and be a good wife/mother/daughter/friend/employee but I am just too, too sick and tired right now. Just too much and I can't handle it. I'm so, so, so tired.
And now I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself and for not simply being happy for my friend's good fortune.
Don't worry, I know I need help. I'll be calling my doctor tomorrow to arrange counselling. I just needed to vent.
Gin