I'm so sick of being sick all the frickn time!!!!It's always something, ya know? If your not spending your whole day with a burning bum and in and out of the potty. Then its nausea all day with back pain and a splitting headache!! I just want to feel like some shred of myself still exists! But No! I get to wake up at 3am to go to a job where I have no control of the level of stupidity I have to deal with! I have to pull up my big girl panties and be a constructive leader. All the while I want to puke on the floor but I'm basically required to keep a smile on my face and inspire people to want to grow there careers. I know my job is my choice and all, well kind of. I have the best job I could have withoit a high school diploma. Which is also because of this frickn disease! I used to be a light, not afraid of anything and ready for whatever! But after 16 years of being sick every single day, I'm tired!! All I want are the things this stupid frickn disease took from me!! My ability to relax, not worry every second of everyday, to let people into my bubble, my sense of adventure, my need for something bigger, the drive to achive goals, my ability to have a for real family of my own!!! I deserve those things!! People will say to me well at least you had 15 good years before you got sick. No I frickn didnt!! At 3 my right leg was pretty much ripped off and I had to have total reconstructive surgery and aftet being in a body cast for over 6 months, I had years of recovery that I taught myself because I was never given any form of physical therapy. And for some reason my mother though it was more important to have another baby then take care of the one that got broken because she wasnt paying attention in the first place! Then after 9 years of teaching me absolutely nothing and hardly even being aware I exsist. She decides to send me to live with my dad. A man I didn't know at all!! And the mental abuse just continued!! Degrading punishments. Anything to widdle down any form of self worth. Which I could be strong for. But then this damn disease hits at 15!! Probably one of the most awkward times in persons life anyways!! Not even with giving yourself enemas on the floor of the school nurses bathroom 3 times a day, or always having to be the person that drives so you can crazily pull over and take off running into the woods before you crap your pants in the car, or when you do crap your pants in the car and someones with you, or going to peoples houses where the bathroom is in the kitchen!!! I could go on and on!!! I just dont want to be sick anymore! I've had 6 gastro docs. And even the best in my state says I really got the poop end of the stick!! The day I was diagnosed the doctor looked at me strait in the eyes and said your life is never going to be the same and this disease is going to devour your life!! He wasnt fricking kidding!!! I remember my step mom taking him into the hall to scold him. But if anything I appreciated his honesty.
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