Some people have a hard time working with others when they are put in positions of authority. This whole situation reminds of a lady we made our office manager and later had to fire. She was a competent paralegal and had seniority, so we believed that the logical progression was to make her office manager because the firm had gotten larger and we needed one at the time.

Once given some authority over the other ladies in the office, she developed what I would call a serious "Mother Hen Complex." She micromanaged and didn't do it nicely. She let the other ladies know who was boss rather than treat them as equals which she basically was except for her title. She developed into a divisive cancer. Sadly, she was a completely different person out of the office. It was a personality issue in the office. Her successor was another paralegal who did a better job and actually became something of an advocate for the other paralegals to the point where I felt she was their de facto union leader as she would complain about me giving them too much work. I told her I am a machine and they gotta keep up with the machine, LOL, tongue in cheek of course. Now we have another office manager who is a bit more educated than her predecessors (has a masters degree from Fairfield U., which commands some respect) but she doesn't politic and is very diplomatic both with the paralegals and the attorneys. She tries to stick to her job of overseeing the office's finances and administration, and doesn't exercise her authority either to micromanage others or advocate on their behalf, sort of allowing them to behave and do their jobs. So their are different approaches to handling these authority positions and basically I think it's all personality and style. Your directrix who was fired sounded like a micromanager and they eventually cause irritation with too many people and either have to dial it back or get fired. Hopefully she learned something.

I am not going to post what I am about to say in a separate topic...regarding Karma..But right now I need to rant in all caps and bold print...but will do so discretely...My dad died yesterday. I got the phonecall here in Paris at around 2:30pm...8:30am EST...

I was shocked but weepingly grateful that my brother called me himself...and thanked him profusely. Hubby had to call him back for details because I just sat in shock. He informed him that the funeral would be at 11am the same day...And that I would miss it.

As the news sunk in and I went into overdrive...Cooking (Sharon's default setting) for the family dinner...I got an email from my cousin in the evening...he found out from the funeral home's guest book that my dad had in fact passed, 2 days earlier, and that I would have been able to make it if my brother had called on Weds.

Some people are born mean and petty. They live their lives that way and die that way.

I do not know if there is a special place in hell for people like that. I choose to believe that there is. 

Or maybe just Karma. 

I do hope so. 

For now I weep for my poor dad who was buried alone without his daughter (or any other family) there by his side to say good bye.

S

ps. I will probably delete this in a day or 2 but I needed the rant.

Sharon, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I cannot imagine how you must feel to be excluded. If you believe in an afterlife, you must know that your dad knows your heart was with him, even if you could not attend the funeral. What anyone else might think does not matter.

No need to delete your post by the way. Entirely OK.

Jan

 

 Sharon – – I send my sympathies that not only were you  unable to attend your father's funeral,  but the family dynamics so cruelly excluded you.  Families can be so destructive when instead they should care for, let alone love, each other.   Whether your family is close  or not doesn't provide license to treat one unfairly, such as the disrespect shown to you.    Certainly difficult to repair  relationships when lines have been crossed-- I to speak from  unpleasant experiences.  I hope that,  at sometime in the future, you can salvage some essence of the family.   

 You have so many health issues going on that I just simply can't understand why a sibling couldn't reach out to help you. You are such a helping, caring person  and  deserve much more than what you have gotten.  I appreciate the karma that you put back into our support family. Peace, Janet

2nd sleepless night in so much pain that words do not cover it. Weds night I woke up at 3am in so much pain in my right shoulder that I thought I had dislocated it (in my sleep???) (that pain that you get in your shoulder post op from trapped gas that will not go away?) ...coughing so much that I couldn't breath (I am not asthmatic)...I have been that way ever since (started at around the time that he actually died...not sure if I believe in that stuff but maybe, I felt it)...is the physical pain there to help deal with the emotional pain? Other than the first few hours and a couple of phone calls to those very close to me back home that brought out the tears, I have not cried.

My dad spent his life in a waiting room. Waiting for me to go in to see the doctor. Waiting for the doctor to decide what to do with me. Sitting in a surgical waiting room waiting for me to come out of O.R....walking me down long green hallways (why are they always green?) to O.R.

He spent his life waiting for me to heal, then to be happy...then he had a stroke and spent 20 yrs waiting for me to come home to see him (I did every year, sometimes twice...I even bought an apt next to where he lived so that I could stay longer and see him more)

Then he waited for me to come so that he could die.

He died exactly 1 month before I could get there...

I know that without his strength, love and courage I would have never survived this disease. He was my courage, he gave me the will to live and fight even when I wanted to give up. 

He dragged me across the city, country and even across the continent to specialists, to have experimental procedures, radical treatments and eventually horrible disappointments. But he never gave up on me.

I do not know if he ever really lived his own life (what parent with a sick child does?) but he certain helped me to live mine.

I know that my escape to Paris hurt him terribly but in the end he understood it and was even proud of me...that means a lot (he used to ask why I had to go so far away to make him proud, couldn't I have done it closer to home?)

Maybe now, finally, after 20yrs of hemiplegia, pain, suffering, amputation and indignities he is at peace...I do hope so.

Sharon

 

 

Thank you both Jan, Janet,

2nd sleepless night in so much pain that words do not cover it. Weds night I woke up at 3am in so much pain in my right shoulder that I thought I had dislocated it (in my sleep???) (that pain that you get in your shoulder post op from trapped gas that will not go away?) ...coughing so much that I couldn't breath (I am not asthmatic)...I have been that way ever since (started at around the time that he actually died...not sure if I believe in that stuff but maybe, I felt it)...is the physical pain there to help deal with the emotional pain? Other than the first few hours and a couple of phone calls to those very close to me back home that brought out the tears, I have not cried.

My dad spent his life in a waiting room. Waiting for me to go in to see the doctor. Waiting for the doctor to decide what to do with me. Sitting in a surgical waiting room waiting for me to come out of O.R....walking me down long green hallways (why are they always green?) to O.R.

He spent his life waiting for me to heal, then to be happy...then he had a stroke and spent 20 yrs waiting for me to come home to see him (I did every year, sometimes twice...I even bought an apt next to where he lived so that I could stay longer and see him more)

Then he waited for me to come so that he could die.

He died exactly 1 month before I could get there...

I know that without his strength, love and courage I would have never survived this disease. He was my courage, he gave me the will to live and fight even when I wanted to give up. 

He dragged me across the city, country and even across the continent to specialists, to have experimental procedures, radical treatments and eventually horrible disappointments. But he never gave up on me.

I do not know if he ever really lived his own life (what parent with a sick child does?) but he certain helped me to live mine.

I know that my escape to Paris hurt him terribly but in the end he understood it and was even proud of me...that means a lot (he used to ask why I had to go so far away to make him proud, couldn't I have done it closer to home?)

Maybe now, finally, after 20yrs of hemiplegia, pain, suffering, amputation and indignities he is at peace...I do hope so.

Sharon

 

 

Sounds like a wonderful, caring man. How fortunate you were to have him in your life! Near or far, the connection persists. I can tell by your posts that you are your father's daughter. It will get better. I miss my dad all the time, but I remember all the good things fondly, and it warms my heart.

Jan 

Sharon, I'm so sorry for your loss. May it be of some comfort to you to say that maybe your dad was able to let go because you weren't there. We don't know what people are thinking when their time to leave us comes and we can easily torture ourselves trying to fill in the blanks. How sad that, with the correct information, you could have attended your dad's funeral. Sad, too, about dysfunctional family dynamics. Please try to sit with the idea that your dad was so proud of you and would have done anything for you. I hope you feel better physically and emotionally. xoxo

Sharon, I am so sorry for your loss and the unfortunate family dynamics. I, as I suppose many of us in this world do, have a family that has its quirks to put it mildly. When my father passed a friend had a very wise point, it doesn't matter long illness, sudden illness, we are never truly prepared for the loss. My father was in hospice and passed one evening when I was on my way to the apt as that night my mother decided to stay but my brother was still there, as others have said who knows what the process is, one of the nurses said he passed after I left because he knew he could. Always a difficult and dreadful process. Be kind to yourself and know your father loved you as you clearly loved him and he knew that too without a doubt.

Thank you all for your kind words...funny how the greatest kindness comes from 'others', those that we do not know (physically).

I think that this disease, (or any long term disease with consequences), has a devastating effect on families. Jealousy, misunderstanding, incomprehension etc are often part of the problem.

I know that in my family's case it was all of the above.

As a child who was born sick and lived my life between hospital visits and surgeries, I got used to all of the physical pain and suffering (but never the humiliation of it all). I was an outsider from very young who depended on my family for support.

There was often no one else because I did not have the time to meet others outside of the hospital.

That put a heavy burden on my family. 

As a lot of you have said, the nature of our disease makes it something that we tend to hide (especially in the 60's - 90's). No one talked about it. You had to stay home. You didn't discuss colostomy bags and leaks and accidents with others...my horrible brother threw out at me last year that we do not discuss family business with outsiders...that was something that my dad said a lot regarding my health...don't tell. Don't let them know. It changes how people will look at you, their opinion of you etc...

So...once again, I am left alone in my solitude...

As a Tennessee Williams wrote in a Streetcar named Desire, 'I depend on the kindness of stranger'.

Sharon

Sharon - yes - it was to be "hidden" - in those days - as still now - a health problem is in some quarters something to be ashamed of - it's so bizarre.  Make it one to do with GI (or I imagine many things - mental illness, sexual health, on and on) - and in this strange world, it's not to be discussed.  The only stories the press loves to do is the "hero" stories - he/she has "x" and still climbed Mount Everest, etc. - I get the need to be a heroin in one's journey -but because of this stories - it's left many people feeling very "less than", inferior, etc. - there is a guy who does a video on youtube talking about this very issue  - I believe his wife has MS.  There is a fine line between being in victim mode all the time - which , my dear friends on this thread - NONE of you fit - and being able to live in some kind of truth? if that is the word.  The truth:  I am sick today. I am in pain today - I am always in some pain, but todays' is over the top - and since pain is not supposedly "measurable" and is "subjective" - that's another ball of wax.  I agree with Sharon and Jan - cyber world friends are in many ways better friends.  Perhaps it is because we don't have the pressure of "dealing with" each other in person.  Of "making that invite" or whatever.  It's an interesting phenomenon - I used to think it was bad - that we were all "on our screens" etc. - but as I age - I am seeing so much good - and this board is a prime example.  I can be who I am here - and I am beyond thankful.  Sharon - please tell us you are feeling a bit better - I am thinking of you and all of you! Love, Angie

Excellent points, Angie! An invisible disease is a double edge sword. You tell people what you want about it, or keep it to yourself. It is nice not to be pitied, but it does make it difficult for others to understand. My arthritis is more visible, and it does not make me feel better about it.

Cyber friends are perfect for me, in that there is that sense of belonging without it taking over my life with my family and local friends. A perfect fit!

Jan

I see alot of cyber friends here.  No meanness.  Snarky people.  Just a good place to relate an experience.  Give advice from that.  Or get advice from someone's experience.  Or better yet.  To come in here and get things off your chest with no judgment! Because we have all been there and understand.  Just a good place to be and there are not many places where you can go on the Internet where people are polite.  That's the part I like. 

Richard. 

I do not know if the word 'better' is going to fit me for a while...maybe numb would work?

I am in physical pain, but less so thank you codeine...for all of my surgeries It was a point of honor to drop the pain meds when the i.v came out...just tylenol or similar...now I can barely move my arm...sleeping through the night is impossible...so the codeine dulls the pain...and allows me to not feel..Which helps my brain and heart and soul right now too.

My best friend just flew 5000 miles to be by my side...I could not live this without her...my twin soul, my double, my daddy's other daughter...so at least one person on this continent who knew him can reminisce with me.

She has been there through teenage IBD, gracilis flap surgery (x2), Pouch surgeries so numerous that we have given up counting...she has handed me clean clothing in public washrooms, filled my syringe (and bought them for me!), changed my stinky dressings, carried my leg-bag for me and laughed with me until my tears flowed (she has also handed me her credit card and told me not to worry that as long as she was alive my surgeries would be covered)...now she had been to the surgeon with me to have my sutures out, yelled at him (yes, She yells at surgeons!) for the type of suture he used and allowed me to cry in her arms.

I could not exist without her.

Right now she is sleeping on my sofa like I slept on hers for 8 months and 5 surgeries...

Yes, you guys are my saviours, my life's blood, my north, south, east and west...she is my soul.

I could not survive without all of you in my life.

Sharon

My deepest and sincerest sympathy Sharon on the loss of your beloved father.  May you find comfort in knowing your cyber-friends are with you in spirit...all around you giving you strength to carry on day by day.

Kara

Also sympathy to Sharon on losing her father.  Yes - you guys mean A LOT to me. I'm getting a bit weepy just reading all the note above.  Jan  - you are right - I do not want to be pitied - so this is a safe zone to express pain/suffering - to others who I know also don't want pity - they just want to be heard and understood.  Also, I agree - I don't really want to go to support groups and have it end up being my social life (although my social life is not all that grand anymore - ha!) - cyberspace friends are an entirely new part of my life - and I know I keep saying it - and you guys will think - we've heard you say it enough Angie -but knowing you are "out there" has saved me.  I feel so much less alone in this now.  I need to do my part and get back to being like Jan and others of you who are so good at answering new people's boards. I got off track - I need to give to this board too.  I've gotten into "take mode" on this thread.  I need to whack myself upside the head, as it were, and do more on the board for others.  Sharon - so glad your friend is there.  Wonderful - I think you are really unique, Sharon - and I mean that as the highest compliment - I think you probably have more friends and fans than Lady Gaga!   God bless all of you.

Angie, no need to whack yourself in the head.

Folks come for support when they need to. Come back to share experience and advice when they can. That is the beauty of this place. Come, lurk, ask, inform, share...or not. We exist whether you come every day or once a year. No judgement!

Jan

Jan - thanks - you have inspired me beyond measure.  I adore you and feel you have been a tremendous gift in my life. To all on this thread - may you feel the connection I feel to you and may we all know we are not alone in our struggles.  I love the judgement free nature of this site.  It's a little slice of heaven in what at times feels like a long, heavy slog uphill.

Thanks Angie. You'll give me a big head. This is a very special place and it is because there are so many caring people who "get it."

Jan

Hi Guys, 

Well, the 1st week of mourning is over and the rest of my life begins again as an orphan...although you cannot call it that when you are over 50 I guess...just someone who lost both parents...

The loss is great...huge really. Not that you can compare it to anything else...just that it 'is' and nothing else is ever the same again.

I try to think back about who I am and how I became the person that I am (good or bad) and I know that my dad is behind most of it...

He was never a 'pick up a kitten kind of guy' but more 'save a baby squirrel from starvation in the winter' type.

He taught me not to give a guy a nickle towards food but to buy him a hot meal sitting down in a decent restaurant (my mom was green during the whole meal!)...he taught me to help the kid in the next bed because just because you were suffering did not mean that someone else did not need your help too.

He taught me to put aside my pain to help others.

He never gave in to his pain...but always had a kiss, a flower or a crooked smile to give to those in needed.

In the hospital (when he was amputated 2 yrs ago) he kept kissing the hands of the nurses who treated him...told them that they were beautiful and would whistle a tune for them (he could barely speak by then).

So, in that spirit I will keep up doing what I do and trying to be a better me in helping those who need it...

Angie, you will be able to give once your pain is under control and you feel strong enough...for now you take what you need to fill that need...do not force it...just let it come to you....We all suffer in greater of smaller ways, some daily and some sporadically...there are no rules.

The one who has suffered their whole life is not better off than the one who just started...you never get used to it...but maybe you become wiser and more able to handle it...

Just enjoy the good moments and push through the bad...

We are here...WE are Here...WE ARE HERE..(direct quote from Horton hears a Who) ...we will always (God willing) be here.

Sharon

ps. Thank you all for being here for me

S

Sharon – – what a wonderful tribute to a beautiful man. You are your father's daughter.  continue to absorb and live his spirit.   Thank YOU for being here for all of us!   You have made my life with the K pouch much much better, just like your father helped out others.  Peace, Janet

 

Sharon, my mom passed away five weeks after my first surgery. Her words in my mind are what guided me through the next four. I am my mother's daughter and it is clear that you are your father's. He will continue to guide you - from all the memories you account here, he already has. A parent couldn't ask for anything more. Many hugs to you right now.

Sharon - sending love and prayers across the miles.  I have always heard losing both parents at any age makes one feel like an orphan.  You gave a wonderful tribute to your father - and yes - you are always giving in spite of your suffering -that's why you have so many who care on this site and I am sure in your life in Paris you have many, many friends.  It's just you.  As we all move along in this crazy, strange journey - may we believe there is a purpose to all of it - even if we cannot fathom what it is.  I don't know any other way to keep going without thinking there is a point to all of this!  Obviously, to love and care for each other is key  - but it seems to be all about learning and growing one's soul by loss after loss after loss as you go through it - it's all very mysterious.  I pray your father is at peace and yes, we are here...now.  It's all we ever have.  I still tend to have some ridiculous notion that things will get easier - and I'm old enough to know better...they might - and they might not...it's a roller coaster, etc. etc. - I just think your Dad had to be wonderful to help make YOU.  I know your husband will be a rock for you in your grief.  Sending love.

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