Latley I have been having a really hard time just dealing with all of this. Maybe its just the holidays. All the happy families everywhere. While I am alone. I know its my own fault that I dont let someone new in. Its has been 3 years since I lost my husband to melanoma. He adapted to my disease like no one ever had. We could laugh about it. And I need to be able to laugh about it. I never really had to break it down for him. He reconized that its not something i enjoy talking about. So he did his own research. There is nothing about this disease thats hot. And I can feel myself shutting down the first time i start giving the details. I constanly feel as if im just not a good deal. I want someone i care about to be able to enjoy there life. Not have to be constantly concerned with me. Im unable to have children and will never have a family of my own. Or be able to give someone a family. Constant ER visits, doc appointment and just being done. Who would want to deal with that? And if I truly love them, I wouldnt want to make them deal with it. I know its my own mind set that is the problem and no one can change it but me. But Im tired and just want to be normal. Or at least not have to worry about pooping on someone. Its definitly a mood killer. I love having this place. Where I can say anything and you all understand what im saying. The daily struggled for us all, things some of us would never say to others. Here we can laugh about it. So thanks for listening.
Original Post
