I just need to vent a bit. I have been in a relationship (engaged for just over a year) for almost 5 years. Just a few days ago we got in a fight and he let it slip that I have ruined his life because I'm sick all the time. He is 10 years younger than me and I've been extremely understand about him going out and doing 25 year old things. I just need to be able to get a hold of him, in case of a emergency. Before we even got together I was extremely transparent about all medical conditions, because I didn't want to ruin his life. During our time together I've had 1 major surgery keeping me down for 4 months. I'm mostly extremely exhausted and want to relax when I'm not working. I work 12hrs a day and work 6days a week quite often. It's just so rude. It's not the first time I have had someone say my disease is ruining there life (including my family). My thought is how dare you think its ruining your life.....what about mine? I'm the one that has had to constantly change my lifestyle habits to make life work. It's not something that's ever going to go away. So I'm so sorry that I've inconvenienced you but F off.....

My question is has anyone been abandoned by loved ones because of what is out of our control?

Previously I was married and my husband was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. I couldn't imagine just leaving him sick and alone. What kind of person does that. 

Original Post

This is a touchy subject I find. It’s been talked about lots of times on here. There is one good thread a while ago I’ll see if I can find it. You disease is yours and not anyone else’s. you share it with them when your comfortable. Don’t feel judged by them or allow them to judge you. If they abandon you because of it then we’re they really someone to care about In the first place? Move on and leave negative/intolerant people in the past. We don’t need them. Our lives have had enough hardship and “shitty” times we don’t need more. For every intolerant person there are 20 that will be your friend or tolerant of your condition 

My husband has been pretty supportive over the past 7 years of my seemingly ongoing health 'crises'. It seems to me though, that it isn't just 'our disease'. It affects family and friends in various, sometimes profound ways. During my last episode in hospital he was clearly trying to keep in all in but it was apparent that he was extremely frustrated. He was finally able to express his anger about my ongoing illness. I think it's completely understandable that he was angry. Being able to talk about it without me being upset by it was very helpful for both of us. I was also able to talk about the guilt I feel for being sick so often. Both his anger and my guilt are maybe irrational but they're real and best not 'shoved down'. 

I know we suffer hugely to a degree that most people really don't understand and it feels only right that we remind them of that and that we get upset when they don't seem to get it. But I'm just saying that I needed to try to understand his perspective too. I can say that it really helped me as well. People always ask how I'm doing. They rarely ask how he is doing. I think it's important that our support people get support too.

Just another perspective...though not  the best one for you necessarily I recognize. 

Jhendrix, I definitely get that we have to think about what our significant other is going through too. I'm much better at my actions making up for it than my words. I think that's why I'm so angry about it. He is spoiled rotten. And I do that because he misses out on so much because he's home with me when I'm sick. I do try to go out and do things as a couple that he enjoys. I try to make sure he doesn't see how much pain I'm in or how exhausted I really am. And then he complains that I'm faking it. But there are times he has my full support in going with his friends. I just need to be able to get a hold of him, but then I can't. So of course I'm going to be mad. Sometimes it's just a no win situation. It's been a few days and he's still talking about moving away, but unsure. As a completely healthy adult he just doesn't understand this isnt something that's going to go away or get better. Or that it's the most upsetting for me. The person that has to live with and the person that has had every point of there life uprooted because of it. 

Change positions. 

Put yourself living with someone who is sick all the time.

I have.  I don't know how my wife put up with me all these decades. 

O. I do know. Love. 

She never once complained and hasn't since I've been fixed. I have an ileo and she doesn't care.  She cares  but she knows it was my fix. 

Could I have done what she did with me?  I've thought about that. And I don't know. 

We don't argue over health issues.  She has different ones. But we help each other. 

Richard. 

Many years ago I was mad about the man who much later became my best friend. He came from a huge family and wanted lots of kids. I already knew that my health and K pouch caboshed that possibility. 

For years we suffered trying hard to keep the relationship friendly and not romantic but in the end, we gave in. His family adores me but I was not a good candidate for wife and mother...too sick, too fragile, sterile...so we called it quits and he married someone else. A healthy woman who gave him a beautiful son.

I married a divorced father of 2 who was a close family friend. His family also thought that I was not good enough due to my health.

Fast forward 20 yrs...My best friends ex-wife was a hypocondriac...alwasy sick and never available to do things that he wanted to be doing...his new girlfriend of 12yrs is worse, back pain, migraines, and a dozen other medical problems... she is either sick, convalescing or planning her next disease.

We have a medical issue. Yes, it is time-consuming, energy eating and life spoiling but we do more with the little that we have than most 'healthy' people do. We fight the good fight and make the best of a horrible situation, we sacrifice our own lives for others because we do not feel 'worthy enough' due to our disease.

Guess what? We are more than just worthy, we are superhuman beings...Superieur in every single way. Warriors and fighters who hide our pain so that others do not suffer...would they be willing to do the same? We work and carry our friends and families and give love and council even when in hospital beds, we hold their hands and heads when ill and do so because we possess empathy and compassion, things that are in a great shortage in this world.

So if your young man is too innocent/naive or inexperienced to see what he has got and too stupid to understand that you are the healthy one but your body does not know it yet...then you may choose to change him for a 'healthier' model!

Your disease doe not define you, never allow others to define you by it either.

Sharon 

p.s. Years later my best friend's family lamented that we had never wed...that he would have been better off with me. His mom and I still love each other and she cries at the mistake that the family made when they 'rejected me'.  

I, on the other hand, realize that I dodged a bullet...

 

This attached photo of my back is proof of the misery we hide from our family. A couple of years back I had to have these huge pins put in my back. I was talking to my son a few days ago and he had no idea I had even had back surgery. We are not cry babies or complainers who seek attention. 

Id like to say to that if someone doesn’t get involved with someone because they are ill they are living in a fantasy land. What guarantee do they have that a healthy person will not get sick? Who’s to say they themselves will always be in good health.

Yes I’m ill but when my husband needed major surgery on his spine and was in a neck brace for weeks on end I was there to care for him with empathy and understanding. 

Isnt that what people are looking for, a relationship with love and respect and mutual admiration, one that is strong and will weather the storms that come in every relationship despite how healthy they are?

 

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I have personally experienced the effect that major medical conditions have on a relationship, both as the one with the medical condition and later as the one caring for an ill spouse.  In the first instance, I was thrown out of my home and made to fend for myself after J pouch surgery.  An ugly divorce that included two child custody fights ensued.  I now look back at that with relief that I am rid of a person who would do something like that to me.

The second instance involved my late wife who had developed terminal cancer.  Over 6 years, I stayed by her side during 8 clinical trial studies and some standard therapies attempting to save her life.  While the end result was very painful, I am at peace knowing that I stayed with her and supported her right to the end. The lesson learned is that supporting a spouse or partner during a major medical condition is beneficial both ways.

Think long and carefully before marrying, buying property with, buying gifts for, travelling with, giving money to, cooking or cleaning for, having children with, or signing any legal document that will tie you even deeper to someone who could utter the words when you are not feeling well, "You've ruined my life."  Lighten your own burden by cutting your losses early. When someone tells you who they are, don't doubt them.

Just a side-note. I do not believe that we all say what we truly think or feel when drunk or in pain.

I believe that some of us actually lash out and say things just to hurt the other person or the 'pull the hurt' out of ourselves and that later on, we wish that we could take it back.

I am not defending anyone or condemning anyone...I am just saying, if the relationship is not good then it probably will not improve with a disease but it the relationship is good, fundamentally speaking, then do not allow one stupid comment to wash the whole thing out to sea.

The other point is, sometimes we know exactly what we are getting into and with whom we are getting involved and in spite of that niggling feeling of fear or dread, we do it anyway.

We have our reasons.

It could be just a night of comfort or pleasure or it could be a need for companionship when we feel most vulnerable or alone in this world. 

The night turns into 2 or 2 weeks or months or years and we get used to having someone around, good or bad, we accept the bad in order to have some good in our lives. 

It might not be ideal or great but it is better than nothing at all (the French have a saying, better to be alone than in bad company, but that does not apply to everyone...some of us prefer bad company to no company at all).

So, think about what you are doing and why...and decide according to your needs...today and for the future.

By the way, You did not ruin any part of his life, he is neither attached by chains to a wall nor is he married to you with a contract...you are both free...so if he has stuck around with a 'sickie' he has done it freely and without constraint...and must find something 'good' to keep him coming back.

Just an opinion

Sharon

 

This is indeed a touchy subject, but I find that a lot of significant others also have their own health issues and aren’t perfectly healthy. My Crohn’s Disease is mostly under control, and my biggest health issue at the moment is not my IBD but my IAD (inflammatory airway disease), which has been producing long, debilitating bursts of coughing when I talk or exhale. My girlfriend has been plagued by migraine headaches and nausea recently. We took a trip to Lake George this summer, and although we had a blast together, one morning she woke up very sick which dashed our planned brunch that day. Anyway, we support each other as best we can, including dealing with our respective health issues and our relatives health issues. I feel she is always there when I need someone to talk to and I think or at least hope she feels the same way. I have supported her through some very tough times including a tragic accident that almost killed her sister and dashed our Christmas plans last year.

Ultimately in a relationship you have to have someone who is a supportive friend on the other side. I think it’s up to the OP and anyone else posting or curious about this issue to determine whether their existing relationship serves them well in that regard.

In my life I have had many relationships with different women. Always one at a time. Relationships that work the best I find are the ones where frank communication is easily had with the other person. Sometimes there are fights in a relationship and things get said that shouldn’t be said, but I don’t think those kinds of things are quite as important as the general “support vibe” you get from your significant other. If it’s not there then you need to re-evaluate things. If it is there, I don’t view one thoughtless comment as a relationship breaker, especially if it’s really unusual and isn’t normally something the SO would say.

First off, as you already know you're not ruining anyone's life.  I hate to take anyone's side without knowing all the details and actually being a part of their lives, so I'll say this: we all can say some harsh stuff when we're heated in the moment.  Some people are just better at not letting those things slip.  

When I was diagnosed I was abandoned by loved ones in a way.  I say "in a way" because they really didn't support me at all.  They didn't know what this disease was and how bad it can get, and they treated my like someone who just had a tummy ache.  When i realized they weren't giving this disease any weight, I pushed them away because it was pointless to have someone around that treats you like you are faking it or making it bigger than it is.  Now here we are 8 years and a few surgeries later and they have nothing but respect for me.  

If you feel that this person really loves you and just slipped up with their word choice, then absolutely move forward and don't let it weigh you down.   This disease is hard on the loved ones around us in ways that sometimes we don't understand.  At the end of the day only you know what's best for you.  If he's making you feel bad about your disease often that's gonna wear you out quickly and you don't need that.  You've got enough to battle as it is.  

Curious to hear an update on what's going on!  Sending you love from California!

David

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