Hey gang!
Well, the fun continues, I haven't received my LTD payment this month, and it looks like I'm not going to. They claim they already paid me, but they didn't, so I have to run all over the city getting bank statements and drop it off, of course they are 40 kilometres apart. I'm getting so fed up with all this BS, I could cry. Seems all I do is fight just to stay afloat. I'm just too sick to work and the evil insurance company only cares about finding excuses not to pay me (Desjardins is their name, and they are pure evil!). They accuse me of trying to steal from them? I'm the most honest guy I know, I'm cursed with a horribly guilty conscience, I'm a terrible liar. I would never, ever, steal anything, how dare they! I'm hanging on by a thread now, and about to loose all hope.
This lousy disease has taken everything from me. It's left me emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually broken. As I look back over the last 25 years since my diagnosis, I see so much pain, so much anger, so much frustration and depression. This hit me as I was just starting out in life, by the time I was 26 I was declaring bankruptcy because I couldn't afford to survive, and I was far too sick to work. You wouldn't believe the struggle it took to finally dig myself out of that hole. Just when I thought I was going to be ok, I have shoulder surgery from arthritis thanks to the Prednisone and a bike crash. Then, a year later, another shoulder surgery, all the while my j pouch was flaring out of control. I missed so much work I finally bit the bullet and went on LTD, but not before going three months with no income at all, eating up what little savings I had left. So, after three agonizing surgeries, loosing my J pouch, rectum, K pouch and most of my small bowel, I'm left in a deep, black hole of misery and depression I simply cannot get out of, and I'm faced with the question, what's the point? If all I face is a future of misery, pain, financial ruin, and depression, well, I don't know what I'll do.
I'd be lying if I said thoughts of suicide haven't crossed my mind over the past couple of years, but I'm a total coward, I could never do that, so, fear not, but, that's how low I feel. Right now, I can't see a future for me that's not miserable, filled with nothing but pain. All too often, so many, including us afflicted with this illness, forget about the side effects that come with living with it. Many prefer not to talk about it, but, you know me, blah blah blah! But we need to talk about it. We don't just have our bodies gutted, get better, and go merrily on our way, I wish that we're the case. The psychological, financial, and physical effects are devastating for many, who, like myself, have had their entire life turned upside down.
I've tried, so hard, with every fibre of my being, to accept it, and put on a happy face so those that care about me won't fall apart with worry. But, I just can't do it anymore. If, in the end, the only thing I have left to live for is the love of those around me, I'd just assume not. I DO NOT want to be a burden on anyone, and I don't want charity or pity either. It is what it is. I'm lucky in only one way, I have many whom I love and who love me, but, at the end of the day, when the lights go off, it's just me, and if I can't live with this intolerable situation, I'm in trouble, I'm not quite to that point yet, but honestly, I'm getting there fast.
So many ask me how do I know my future will be so horrible? And why am I so pessimistic? Huh? I tell them to look at the past 25 years, yet they still can't see it. Maybe it's just me, but you can only be thrown against the wall so many times before the wall collapses, and you're left wondering, why? Why, Why, WHY?? I'm already 45, most friends my age own their own home, have money in the bank and are planning for a happy retirement. Me? I have absolutely nothing to show for it except a bald head, empty bank account, and horrible health. When you compare the two, I can't help but feel like a total failure. No matter how hard I've tried to get ahead, I just get knocked right back down again, and again, so that's it, I give up. Unless by some miracle, things improve, well, I think I've said too much, just really needed to get this off my chest, thanks for listening, means a lot,
Eric
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