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Hey gang!

Well, the fun continues, I haven't received my LTD payment this month, and it looks like I'm not going to. They claim they already paid me, but they didn't, so I have to run all over the city getting bank statements and drop it off, of course they are 40 kilometres apart. I'm getting so fed up with all this BS, I could cry. Seems all I do is fight just to stay afloat. I'm just too sick to work and the evil insurance company only cares about finding excuses not to pay me (Desjardins is their name, and they are pure evil!). They accuse me of trying to steal from them? I'm the most honest guy I know, I'm cursed with a horribly guilty conscience, I'm a terrible liar. I would never, ever, steal anything, how dare they! I'm hanging on by a thread now, and about to loose all hope.

This lousy disease has taken everything from me. It's left me emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually broken. As I look back over the last 25 years since my diagnosis, I see so much pain, so much anger, so much frustration and depression. This hit me as I was just starting out in life, by the time I was 26 I was declaring bankruptcy because I couldn't afford to survive, and I was far too sick to work. You wouldn't believe the struggle it took to finally dig myself out of that hole. Just when I thought I was going to be ok, I have shoulder surgery from arthritis thanks to the Prednisone and a bike crash. Then, a year later, another shoulder surgery, all the while my j pouch was flaring out of control. I missed so much work I finally bit the bullet and went on LTD, but not before going three months with no income at all, eating up what little savings I had left. So, after three agonizing surgeries, loosing my J pouch, rectum, K pouch and most of my small bowel, I'm left in a deep, black hole of misery and depression I simply cannot get out of, and I'm faced with the question, what's the point? If all I face is a future of misery, pain, financial ruin, and depression, well, I don't know what I'll do.

I'd be lying if I said thoughts of suicide haven't crossed my mind over the past couple of years, but I'm a total coward, I could never do that, so, fear not, but, that's how low I feel. Right now, I can't see a future for me that's not miserable, filled with nothing but pain. All too often, so many, including us afflicted with this illness, forget about the side effects that come with living with it. Many prefer not to talk about it, but, you know me, blah blah blah! But we need to talk about it. We don't just have our bodies gutted, get better, and go merrily on our way, I wish that we're the case. The psychological, financial, and physical effects are devastating for many, who, like myself, have had their entire life turned upside down.

I've tried, so hard, with every fibre of my being, to accept it, and put on a happy face so those that care about me won't fall apart with worry. But, I just can't do it anymore. If, in the end, the only thing I have left to live for is the love of those around me, I'd just assume not. I DO NOT want to be a burden on anyone, and I don't want charity or pity either. It is what it is. I'm lucky in only one way, I have many whom I love and who love me, but, at the end of the day, when the lights go off, it's just me, and if I can't live with this intolerable situation, I'm in trouble, I'm not quite to that point yet, but honestly, I'm getting there fast.

So many ask me how do I know my future will be so horrible? And why am I so pessimistic? Huh? I tell them to look at the past 25 years, yet they still can't see it. Maybe it's just me, but you can only be thrown against the wall so many times before the wall collapses, and you're left wondering, why? Why, Why, WHY?? I'm already 45, most friends my age own their own home, have money in the bank and are planning for a happy retirement. Me? I have absolutely nothing to show for it except a bald head, empty bank account, and horrible health. When you compare the two, I can't help but feel like a total failure. No matter how hard I've tried to get ahead, I just get knocked right back down again, and again, so that's it, I give up. Unless by some miracle, things improve, well, I think I've said too much, just really needed to get this off my chest, thanks for listening, means a lot,

Eric Mad
Original Post

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Eric, thanks for coming back and clarifying that you were just blowing off steam and not planning on leaving this existence! We all get those periods where we just want to scream or punch someone, but it does not mean it is time for the rubber room (yet)!

You've had more than your share of bad breaks, so you have earned your pity party. Hopefully you can make peace with yourself and learn to accept your limitations, and avoid flipping out when confronted with another threat to your personal space. I don't have answers for you, just empathy. I think we each need to learn our own limits and how to anticipate and/or adjust for them.

I had to learn a long time ago that my path was not going to be predictable nor what I hoped for. Life just seems to put obstacles in our way. Still, I have enough success to keep me happy most of the time. But, I have not been as challenged as you, and that is why I don't have answers for you. Sorry...

Jan Smiler
Oh Sweetie,
A thousand hugs of compassion, understanding and hope for a miracle so that you can finally get some semblance of health back and find your way back to a happy 'normal' that gives you the freedom to feel like yourself again.
I know it all, understand it perfectly and have been in your shoes a hundered times with thoughts so dark that I even scared myself! This is a real lousy disease, the disease that keeps on giving...pain, suffering, financial hell, physical heartbreak and mental anguish.
Just when we think that it will be ok we get hit in the gut with another wonderful side effect of the disease, the meds that we took for so long or yet another auto-immune.
Drats.
I hope that this ends soon and that 2014 will be a good year for all of us.
Sharon
Last edited by skn69
Eric,I feel your pain and suffering and I ache for you. I understand the financial ruin...loss of my home, employment, my husband's employment...all due to this miserable disease. Fortunately, I have found solace in the quiet mtn. resort where I reside with my two dogs, the lake, the ski area, the pine trees, and in my simple two bedroom, two and l/2 bath apt. I love it here. Then again, I am 61, and my needs are very few at this time. I have raised my family in a place I loved, and now I am here. I struggle with major depression, crohns now, but I keep it simple. I don't have to go out if I don't want to; however, I have two support groups (one for women over 60 and one for depression and anxiety that I look forward to weekly)...my dogs give me unconditional love (one is even a ten week old puppy) and I highly recommend a pet if you don't have one. Your story is extreme and unusual . . . I like to think we are being tested to see just how strong we really are. Well, you have proven you are so strong... you are a hero and I am proud of you. You have suffered and persevered, and you are intelligent enough to know it eases the pain to talk about it and get it off your chest. This group is such an asset. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Happy New Year and let's make it a better year spiritually, each and every one of us! Huge, enormous hugs, Sally
p.s. I have benefited from an anti-inflammatory diet, and am starting a gluten free diet tomorrow (New Years), as well as eliminating sugar and eating low glycemic vegetables. I have been reading a book by Dr. Perlmutter, a neurologist, who has researched these areas. You might fight it interesting. Cheers!
Thanks Sally,
Yes, I am seriously thinking of declaring 2014 the year of 'joy'. Not going to let anything get me down...this silly little life of mine is way too short and needs some joy and laughter...
Had the grandkids over last night and once we put them to bed we crawled into ours and for some reason started to giggle (could be that hubby started to tickle me)...went into a full blown laugh-til-you-cry...couldn't stop giggling for 20mins...it felt so good.
That is when you know for certain that life is worth living.
I wish you a year full of laughter
Sharon
Eric, Insurance companies think their job is to NOT pay out benefits. My LT Disability Company was bugging my doctors and me every 6-8 months with questionnaires and phone calls about my health. I took out the policy 20 some years before I was disabled but never increased the coverage because I got UC and couldn't as I would have had to fill out a new medical questionnaire and they would have denied coverage. So the monthly benefit is set on earnings I made in the late 80's, not huge but $$ I need. I was approved by Social Security Disability, which is hard in the U.S. but wasn't for me as I am not malingering. I told my insurance company I'd been approved by SSD and furnished them a copy of the SSD determination letter.

They still kept pestering my doctors and me. I was afraid my doctors were going to get tired of filling out their forms. Some doctors refuse to fill out disability forms or even take patients that claim to be disabled. I'm fortunate to have caring physicians. This last time they sent a form to my Internist, who is my GP, only. It asked things like "Can Marie endorse a client's check and deposit into their bank account?" This is something an accountant would do. They were trying to see if I could do accounting work. They asked about my health too. I called the Insurance company an told them that they needed to also send one of these letters to the doctor that is handling my UC/j-pouch and subsequent j-pouch problems as that was one of the reasons I had to quit working. I gave them the doctor's name and address. His nurse called and said there were strange questions and I said, "Like can I endorse a client's check?" I told her he didn't know about all of that and to just write N/A or not applicable through all of any questions he didn't need to address.

I have not worked since 4/20/2010 which has been considered my disability date by the insurance company and SSD. I worked 1.5 hours the day before. The insurance company has been keeping tabs on me since I had my surgeries the end of 2010. I also explained chronic cuffitis to the case manager over the telephone. I don't know what my Internist in Des Moines, IA said or my GI at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN said in their forms but I got a call around a month or so afterwards from the Insurance company. My claim has been approved until the end of 2020, which is when the term of the policy ends, on my 65th birthday. I almost dropped the phone. No more bugging my doctors. Now I want to see what my doctors wrote. Now I wonder if I will live another almost 7 years.

But for the time being I'd like to get better because I would rather be working. Not because I would be making more money but because I'd be happier, productive, be out in the world again - I'd have my life back.

My husband was told he could have a biopsy now or wait 6 months and have another PSA blood test to see if it changed more. There's a 25% chance he needs to have something done now. I said since I'm one of those that came out in the small percentages 25% looks like a big percentage to me so if it were me I'd have the biopsy. What a wimp, he looked up how they would do the biopsy and it looks pretty easy to me. After you've had a hysterectomy and been gutted a little testicular biopsy looks like a walk in the park.

We just have to live with the cards we've been dealt. I'd like to take a vacation from them.....

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