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9 replies

Not sure what's wrong with me...

JL JTI lifeMember
This stupid illness has cost me everything. My marriage, several jobs, relationships, my home, my car and now I am fighting to keep my kids. I'm practically homeless now. I've tried so hard to stay strong this long but now that the surgeries seem to be over and I'm doing "as well as expected", I seem to have hit a wall. I am looking for a new job. Trying to spend as much time with my kids as possible... but as stubborn and resolute as I am I still find myself crying when no one is looking and I feel like an absolute failure. This is so stupid because I know I'm not. I did all this with very minimal help. I know things will get better. So why can't I seem to wake up before noon? Why am I so hateful and angry? Its like I have changed and I don't know who I am anymore. The old me loved my family and all the kids. Now I can't stand it. I get so irritated and mean. I do not want to be like this. I hate being like this! All I want to do is hide away and ignore the world and everyone in it. I hate it when people come to check up on me and I hate it when they tell me I look better or sad or whatever they have to say. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything but sleep and ignore. Why did I try so hard then and now I am so willing to give up? It makes no sense to me. I am stubborn and too prideful for my own good. I know I will get it all back and be okay but for Christ sakes, I hate how I feel. Everyone thinks I'm okay and I'm fine and the very few that I have confided in told me I'm okay. I'm the most stubborn person they know. I have no feeling of suicide or the want to. Its nothing like that. I just do not understand where my willpower went to and why I have this ugliness inside me. I hate who I am becoming but I don't really care to fight it either...
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T TeddybearladyMember
I feel your pain. Much the same here. I have no support system. The surgeries "fixed" me. So now what's wrong? Why?
I have had to really did deep and look at the old saying, pull yourself up by your own boot straps. Hard to do, hard to even think. But, it is working some what. I am relying on me. Me alone. Sometimes it's easy mostly it's hard. But with no one and nothing left I had to look at me.
Press on friend. If life throws lemons forget the lemon aide it's still sour....plant a new tree!
skn69skn69Member
I agree with Sue,
Sounds so much like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)...it is exactly what it sounds like...your stress(and your stress hormones) is high while you need it (illness, susrgery, convalescence...) and then once the danger is over your stress hormones drop and you bottom out...result is a huge black hole ( for me), depression, lack of energy, desire, strength, shock, anger, shortness of temper...and the list goes on and on...I got bulimic, eating anything that was not nailed down, had insomnia, uncontrollable tears and even at one point was nearly agoraphobic & claustrophobic ( terrified of leaving the house due to the condition of my sick pouch and terrified of taking the subway because I felt suffocated...I could only go out on foot or by car)...
It lasted, in its severeitst form, about a year and then slowly started to dissipate...I still have bad dreams, waking up terrified or 'go nuts' over sugar but for the most part and within my physical limits I have gone back to work and started to have a normal life again.
It takes time and there are things that you can do to help like psychotherapy or talk-therapy, there are meds that help and in my case, exercise. I do best when I exercise whether it be long walks, hill climbing or yoga.
They all helped me but so did deep breathing exercises, talking to friends who would still listen, singing my head off to sad songs...
You find what helps you and you keep doing it.
I avoided alcohol, drugs and all stimulants because they all hurt more than helped. (sugar hurts but only my waistline..)
Anyway, I wish you luck and hope that you can get past this quickly.
Sharon
JL JTI lifeMember
Thankyou for all the responses. I decided to call the doctor. It may take some time to get in but I am thinking later is better than never. I have a tendency to put things off when I really shouldn't. As for the sugar... that sounds like a great idea... I think I'm up for a nice cannoli or stratta cake. May not take away my problems but it sure will give me some rose colored glasses for a few minutes.
JL JTI lifeMember
He decided to check my thyroid levels. I do not have a thyroid so I have always been on the medication... since birth. He agreed it could have something to do with that but also wondered if the heavy, long term prednisone usecould have cause a chemical imbalance in my brain. So now I am on an antidepressant and an antianxiety. I felt like an idiot for going but I know I did the right thing. I hope this is just a slight issue that will pass.
LambiepieLambiepieMember
JTI, I can so relate to what you're saying. It sounds like you went past your tipping point. We can only take so much stress before we shut down and when we're preoccupied with our pouches, there's not much room for anything else. When I started getting angry when I heard kids playing outside, I knew I had changed. Like it was mentioned, situation-specific depression might be going on, too. You might want to have your iron levels checked. Low levels can make you exhausted. I also listen to music when I'm home. It doesn't sound like much, but it can help when you're really low. Hang in there; shifts happen all the time. You are ready for your next one!
FrancesFrancesMember
God i know that feeling of being so alone but you don't want help or people around. Its like your alone because you want that but its not good for us to isolate ourselves. No one understands what we go through except people like us. There is no support group around me because no one wants to talk about this subject.
It has changed me a lot and i have lost friends because i isolate and feel almost handicapped now.
I did go to the doctor and i to have thyroid issues and had them checked. My doctor put me on a antidepressant and did not really work because i have great anxiety but there are so many i am trying another one and will not stop until i feel better.
I also found out through the college that they have programs for students at the end of there psychology education that counsel. They tape it and show no one but there professor and then destroy it. I have going for over a year now and i have to tell you it works talking to someone who does not know you and its all confidential and i pay 5 dollars a session and it really has helped me a lot.
Just a thought
Just remember there are people even strangers like us who care and now what your going through. I am glad your going to the doctor i wish you could get in quickly.
Don't stop until you feel better you are worth it and you will find your way.
Never give up
Frances

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