It's been a long time since I've posted, but aside from many of you being my Facebook friend, there's another reason I've been silent.
As many of you know, since 2009, I've had three ortho surgeries (both clavicles rotator cuff decompressions, and right hand carpal tunnel releaseand, left one being this coming February) and five GI surgeries, you'd think that's why I'm writing, but no. During all of that period I've been witness to my dads (whom I love more then life itself) three heart attacks, pacemaker surgery, 3 vascular surgeries, an emergency triple bypass (we nearly lost him), and a shattered femur (femural neck spiral fracture) resulting in 2 major surgeries for right femural IM Nail (they screwed up the first one, so three days later, did a second one).
I've only one sister, who cares only about herself and my parents money, in other words, I've been caring for them myself, during the time I've been having my surgeries. My mom doesn't drive (she's 82, dad is 80) and was just diagnosed with RA and Parkinson's Disease....it's all catching up with me now. I thought I was strong enough to deal with it all, but as I'm forced to bare witness to my beloved parents slow demise, it's taking its tole. while I'm happy to report the mechanics of my newest K pouch are working, and not leaking (I've spent the past three years leaking aka soiling myself in bed, or out in public), I've only about 15% of my GI tract left (Since 1990 I've had my entire rectum, colon, and of my small bowel surgically removed), and what's left isn't happy at all being forced to do so much work. I've been nauseous for weeks, with an average daily stomal output of 1.5 litres, almost daily vomiting, and the inability to eat any solids for months now. Combine that with my GERD th so bad my entire esophagus is on fire (despite taking daily Nexium for years now), and literally being in tears off and on every day, I feel like I'm coming unglued.
Now problem is, I cannot, under any circumstances, let my folks know how much I'm suffering, but it's starting to show. Since my last k pouch surgery last May 22nd, I've lost over 45lbs, and no matter what I do to stop it or even sliw it down, I'm still loosing, and weak as a kitten. I'm not sure if there is anything anyone can say that will help, but I need to vent. As I said, I'm just not strong enough to deal with it all, and it's literally making me crazy, and disappointed in myself for my total lack of courage, strength, and tenacity. I'm turning 47 on Tuesday, but all I want to do is crawl under a rock and die. I'm so depressed the only things keeping me from giving up is my responsibility to my folks, and to my beloved spouse, who's been my rock. I'm so very thankful to still have both my patents alive at my age, and after everything they've done for me (they literally saved my life, from the moment they adopted me, and throughout my life). They've always been there for me both emotionally, and financially, and have saved my neck more times then I'm willing to admit. They sacrificed their entire lives so that my gold digging sister and I had everything we desired. They didn't take a real vacation for over 30 years just so we'd have everything they didn't when they were young, how could I ever possibly repay their sacrifice? When my grandmother (dads mom) died from Alzheimer's, they told me if ever they are to a point of helplessness, to never allow them to waste away in a urine soaked nursing home bed, and I swore right then and there I'd always be there as long as I live, and that I'd never, ever, put them in any home except their own, or mine.
With all that said, ironically, their illnesses are slowly killing me, and I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I'm totally lost, with little hope of a happy future, I can't stop crying, (I've been on anti deoressants/anti anxiety meds for over three years now, but they've stopped working), and I'm in a place where there's no light, only darkness and sadness. I'm at my wits end, but I have to keep a brave face, I cannot show weak eyes to my folks, as they have enough to worry about already, however, driving 63 kilometres each way, to their place, at least three times a week (since dad broke his femur, I've driven over 40 000 kilometres driving them shopping, to apts, etc) is just too much to handle, so how do I fix this without hanging at the end of a rope? Any advice? Please, I'm desperate, and don't know how much longer I can go on like this, thanks for letting me vent, as I can't see my screen anymore through my tears, bye for now,