Sorry guys, but I really need to vent. As some of you know, I turned 44 today. Most of my friends and coworkers my age already own their home, have kids, and are well on their way to a happy future, but I, have none of this. I am blessed with many loving friends and family, but, that's where my luck ends. All I ever wanted out of life is to make those I love happy, and financially secure. Yet here I am, at 44, barely scraping by on what little disability I get, and having been sick for so long I've used up every penny of my savings just to survive. It all began during my first round of surgeries in my early 20's, it devastated me emotionally, physically and financially. It took me so long to break free, completely altered my career path, and stunted my growth as an adult for years. I wasn't able to attend university (only collage), so I couldn't achieve my goals. I just didn't have it in me to sacrifice my health for higher learning. I've worked so hard to be what everyone expects me to be, but am so ashamed for being a complete failure. Seems each time I try to get ahead, my health knocks me back down again. At first, I was strong, but, after enduring this bloody illness for almost 24 years now, I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Normally, I try to stay upbeat, but every now and then, like now, I feel like such a failure I could just cry. Just when I thought I had this beat, now my pouch is leaking, and my joints are killing me from the arthritis inflammation. I know I'll need even more surgery, how in gods name will I ever succeed in life if every time I try, I get knock right back down again? I've asked god, many times, what did I do to deserve this? I know that's a ridiculous question, there really is no why, if you'll pardon the crude expression and pun, **** just happens for no reason at all, and has nothing to do with god, but when you're grasping at straws, you simply can't think straight. I know many of you know exactly how I feel. Sometimes I just need to let it all out. I think the most frustrating part is the sense of helplessness. There's not a damn thing I can do to stop this from happening, all I can do is pray, and find solice in those around me. They say life is a journey, guess I'm hitting all the potholes first! Thanks for letting me vent, I thank god for all of you, no one else can truly understand how it feels to live through this,
Thanks,
Eric
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