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Sorry guys, but I really need to vent. As some of you know, I turned 44 today. Most of my friends and coworkers my age already own their home, have kids, and are well on their way to a happy future, but I, have none of this. I am blessed with many loving friends and family, but, that's where my luck ends. All I ever wanted out of life is to make those I love happy, and financially secure. Yet here I am, at 44, barely scraping by on what little disability I get, and having been sick for so long I've used up every penny of my savings just to survive. It all began during my first round of surgeries in my early 20's, it devastated me emotionally, physically and financially. It took me so long to break free, completely altered my career path, and stunted my growth as an adult for years. I wasn't able to attend university (only collage), so I couldn't achieve my goals. I just didn't have it in me to sacrifice my health for higher learning. I've worked so hard to be what everyone expects me to be, but am so ashamed for being a complete failure. Seems each time I try to get ahead, my health knocks me back down again. At first, I was strong, but, after enduring this bloody illness for almost 24 years now, I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Normally, I try to stay upbeat, but every now and then, like now, I feel like such a failure I could just cry. Just when I thought I had this beat, now my pouch is leaking, and my joints are killing me from the arthritis inflammation. I know I'll need even more surgery, how in gods name will I ever succeed in life if every time I try, I get knock right back down again? I've asked god, many times, what did I do to deserve this? I know that's a ridiculous question, there really is no why, if you'll pardon the crude expression and pun, **** just happens for no reason at all, and has nothing to do with god, but when you're grasping at straws, you simply can't think straight. I know many of you know exactly how I feel. Sometimes I just need to let it all out. I think the most frustrating part is the sense of helplessness. There's not a damn thing I can do to stop this from happening, all I can do is pray, and find solice in those around me. They say life is a journey, guess I'm hitting all the potholes first! Thanks for letting me vent, I thank god for all of you, no one else can truly understand how it feels to live through this,

Thanks,
Eric Frowner
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Oh Sweetie,
I am so sorry that you are under the tarmac...litterally feeling run over by life and its events...first off, Happy Birthday (I know...mine was last week and I felt exactly the same way)...it is very hard if you look back on everything that you planned on being, hoped to become and expected to achieve...most of it never happened because at some point in life's plan this disease hit and threw you to the eground...repeatedly...my dearest K pouch soul-brother...I do really understand...last week I did the math and realised that I lost everything with this disease...my Apt, my savings, my business and clients, most of my friends and almost all of my family (birth family) but I still have a loving hubby who misses me whenever he or I am away, a fabulous new family thanks to him and grandkids who I never would have had without him( step kids +)...I lost it all but I have so much that so many healthy people will never have...so it is not as bad as you think...you have your hubby and your parents and health insurance...(not negligible!!!)and a roof over your head...you are not starving on the street and even if you need more surgery you will not have to sell your soul to pay for it...iddy-biddy compensations, I know but there you have it...you have the strength and courage to continue and you have us...we are all here for you (and if you need me I am just an airplane away!)...
So go out and celebrate even if you leak all over everyone while doing it and enjoy while you are able to...
Lots of love from way over here
Sharon
You're measuring success by 'things.' But you are so much more than those things! You are one of the most caring, kind, and supportive people on the planet. That is worth so much more to your friends and family. So if you're going to be kicking your ass all over the place then stop it!

I'm so, so sorry you're going through all this stuff and you are absolutely entitled to wallow in self pity for awhile. But as soon as things turn around you'll be back to your happy caring self as always happens. You'll be back to fighting windmills, looking out for the little guys/gals, and giving those who need it a good dose of schooling when they're being less than intelligent.

Just look at what your life has given you - Fred, your parents (your other parents), siblings and new siblings. And a Christmas tree all decked out. You truly are blessed. [But you can still wallow if you need to.]

big, big, BIG arse hugs - kathy Big Grin
And I'm truly blessed for you all! (And Sharon, sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I didn't know it was your birthday, happy birthday!!!). I know you guys are right, but during those rare moments of weakness, it just feels better to let it all out, I've never been one to internalize everything, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, love you guys!

Eric Razzer
Thanks Sweetheart....hope that now that the day is over and the emotions are lower that you are feeling better and more positive....what did Dr C say about the leakage and you poor little stoma??? How is it doing? Why are you leaking? Did he do a pouch-o-gram and is your stoma strait??? Did he put you on strait drain for a week?
Please let us know what is up and how you are...
Hugs
Sharon
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY (belated) Eric and Sharon!

Secondly, Eric, Eric, Eric! I second what both Kathy and Sharon have said. It's all just 'stuff' and darlin'you are FORTY FREAKIN' FOUR! Just a young babe. Wink I'm certainly not negating the fact that you've been through hell and how much I admire how well you've always handled your adversities. I also understand we all need a good 'ole pity party once in awhile....but, now that you've vented, please be very clear that YOU are a success. All that you've been through is equivalent to climbing Everest (Several times. Naked!) or having a ginormous bank account (which means nothing). So please appreciate all that you are and how very much you're appreciated by so many. Your amazing sense of humor, gentle heart and truly kind spirit have lifted me up on so many occassions. You are a survivor. An amazing, awesome, fabulous, survivor! Hold your head up and be proud!
Happy belated birthdays Eric and Sharon!

Eric you are more successful than all of your peers in my book. Look at all the battles and wars you've won during the last 24 years! I admire your spirit. You have made the best you could out of a bad situation. Birthdays do make us reflect and as you do look at all you've accomplished and all the time ahead of you.
I understand. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who gets down. I am having my first surgery on Jan 21st, and my birthday is January 24. I am afraid of what I might lose in the process. My fiance passed away two years ago, and I have been depressed and worried since then. Now, having to face this alone...well, I have family, but it feels alone some times.
Happy Birthday

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