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Hey guys, me again,

Question, have any of you experienced wild emotional outbursts during times when you're flaring? Most of you know my history, suffice it to say, like many of you, I've been to hell and back. Recently, it's been much worse. In the past five years my body is falling apart. I've been in too much pain or too sick to live life. I've missed so much. The arthritis I have as a result of this lousy illness and it's treatments resulted in surgery on both my shoulders, constant pain. My j pouch wouldn't stop flaring, causing constant agony, leakage and bleeding, so, on June 19th this year, I had a Koch pouch installed (as most of you already know). Two weeks after that came blockage #1, last week blockage #2 and valve damage that will probably require surgical correction (will find out in two weeks). All of this most of you already know, what most don't know is the psychological damage this has caused. I've tried SO hard not to let it get to me, big boys don't cry, right? WRONG! I do, when I never did before. All these years I've pushed it to the back of my mind, knowing there is nothing I can do about it, and I didn't want to show weakness to my family so they wouldn't worry. But, recently, it all seems more then I can handle. The slightest thing can set it off, just thinking about it, wondering if I'll ever see light at the end of a never ending tunnel of pain and darkness. I know, I know, it can be, or could be, much worse. I'll survive it, but that being said doesn't help, at all, in the here and now. My psyche is like a glass of water. Up until recently, it was full but not leaking, now, all this seems more then my brain can handle, and that full cup is running over and pouring out, with no control. I'm already on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, but this is too much for me to handle. I guess everyone has their breaking point, just never thought I'd reach mine at only 43 years old. My question to you is, has this happened to you too? I'm sure I'm not alone, I've been dealing with this since I was 20, the past 23 years weren't all bad, I did have some good years too, but just seems the good is gone, I know it will return, but until then, how do I deal with this, or, how do you deal with it? Part of me feels silly for whining about something as seemingly trivial as crying, after all I've been through, but I guess I'm not a robot after all, my brain is full, and my soul exhausted. In two weeks I see my surgeon to see if I need more surgery. I'll survive, but for the first time in my life, I'm dreading it (surgery usually never bothered me before). Please tell me I'm not alone, can't take much more, thanks for listening guys, you're my strength!

Eric Razzer
Original Post
Oh Sweetie,
You are so NOT alone! There are dozens of us out there who have been through this before...your analogy was so perfect...the cup running over...yes, that is about it...you take on more and more pain, responsibility for your body and your condtion, walk into hospital after hospital for surgery after surgery smiling and reassuring your family and friends that this time things will be all right and you survive the post op hell and pain like a trooper...then when things go head over tail you crash and burn. All of the optimism, all of the positivism and smiles and pure heroism turn inside out...and the world goes black.
I know that you in a terrible, dark place right now and your optimism is at an all time low but you have to believe that it will not be as bad as you think. It may be a peri-stomal hernia (a hernia around the stoma that presses into the valve and causes it to kink), it could be something else too and not just a 'broken' valve...
I remember the nightmare of it happening to me 6 weeks post op when I was back here and no one in France knowing what to do and Dr C was away (yup, it was August too!)...my whole valve prolapsed out of my body and played firehose with me...I flew home when he got back and found out that it was a hernia and if anybody here had bothered to look at me they would have diagnoised it and fixed it without a problem...instead it degenerated and by then it was full blown surgery.
Do not let this overflow drown you...take it easy, watch a lot of t.v., read, relax and wait patiently until he returns...there is nothing you can do about it for now...take long walks if you can to clear your head and surround yourself with understanding people that you love and who love you...
And please, Do Not forget to laugh a little...you need the laughter to help you to heal.
Sharon
Hey Eric, I just read this and wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I had toxic megacolon with my first flare up of colitis. Every once in awhile i just blow up...especially when I am having a bad day and in the bathroom in pain! People just don't understandFrowner I feel bad, but sometimes I am rude to people that complain of a stupid head cold, or mild sickness!
Eric,
You have described how you feel so well. I've had most of those thoughts and still am having a difficult time. I was a successful business woman with one business I built from scratch and owned 50% of another one with a great business partner.

I am now receiving Social Security Disability Benefits and they consider my disabilities permanent. There went my hope of getting well enough to work. It is a relief getting approved the first time I applied for benefits but I waited 2 years to apply. I'm still not going to give up hope that I can get better.

I hate to cry too and get upset with myself when I do. I still have days where I wish I could cry as it is such a stress reliever for me. Quit beating yourself up for having normal reactions to your health problems.

I find that I no longer have a filter and words fly out of my mouth that I would never have said before! I've been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I go to weekly therapy and am slowly feeling a bit better. I don't want to leave the house, drive my car, go shopping, to a movie or restaurant. I am quick tempered or I shut down entirely when facing a difficult situation or even a frivolous one that shouldn't bother me at all.

I was on an a daily antidepressant and anxiety medication as needed before my surgeries. I have fibromyalgia as well and the only medications that we've found that helps are antidepressants. I've been dealing with UC for 16 years that I know of. I know I must have had it for years before I was finally diagnosed. My final flare from hell started over 2 years ago and my take down was 20 months ago. I've just fallen apart emotionally and found out it's not all due to being sick. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

After the surgeries my Internist added another antidepressant and she increased the dosage of it 2 more times. Have you discussed this with the doctor that prescribed your antidepressant? If not I wish you would. You might need a larger dose, a different antidepressant or both. The goal is to not over medicate. We don't want to become zombies!

If you are not seeing a therapist I'd like to suggest you look into that as well. My Internist and my insurance company's nurse, in charge of my case, both told me I needed to go into counseling. You need someone that knows how to deal with chronic pain. I went to another therapist first but he just didn't get it at all. I was lucky as the 2nd therapist is experienced with chronic pain and she has it as well. Just getting up the nerve to call the first guy took me months. Simple things and they all seem so hard to do now. This is Debbie Downer talking now and I was worse that this an entire year of therapy ago.

Any time I am in a stressful situation I feel like I'm on my last nerve and that I'm going to blow up. So I pretty much avoid dealing with people that are not necessary. I've even quit going to the hair dresser and I use to have an appointment every 6 weeks. I'm going in tomorrow for the first time in 6 months and I like going there.

I order everything I can on the internet and my husband does all of the grocery shopping. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. You are 13 years younger than I am and I hate it that you are feeling so blue and have to suffer so much in the prime time of your life.

We are going to get better. It won't be tomorrow or the next day but maybe next month we will see improvement and a year from now we could be feeling so well that we forget about visiting this awesome support site. In spite of all my complaining above I am doing better than a year ago.

Take care, you've got a lot of living to do.
Eric,

I was taught the same way about men are not supposed to cry either. I am not sure when that started about men are not supposed to cry, but that suggestion had to be made by an idiot. We are all human beings with feelings. To surpress that is not healthy either.

I'm a 56 yrs old man and I have done a lot of crying but I only let myself completely cry when I am all alone rather then try to hold things back. In the past, wehn ever I felt really sick and would it would go on and on, I would cry. Then I would feel better for a couple of weeks and then for 2 or 3 weeks, I would go through another bad episode. That is how my life was for at least 10 years after my 1st surgery in 1993.

I am also on anti-depressants as my home life is completely shattered.

I know its hard, very hard, but try not to dwell on how sick you are. It doesn't help you for one thing and actully can make things worse.

Toughenough, you certainly have had more then your share of suffering. To be so sick that you are now on Disability has to be upsetting, especially since you know you have the qualification to do a great job. It really sucks that are lives have to be controlled by our health at times. The positive you have is you have a supporting spouse. I don't. When I had Cancer in 2009, my neighbor told me that my wife said to her that "my surgery went well with some complications, I was just disappointed in the outcome." My wife is filled with so much hate that she wants me dead.

That is a stressful situation to be in but I have no control over that. I hope for my wife's sake, that God touches her heart, otherwise, she is headed for disaster, eternally.
Rocket
Rocket, it's nice to know I'm not the only 56 year old on here. I'm sorry your marriage has suffered from all of this. I don't know if she has always been so mean and bitter but feel sorry for her. Diseases can make us more empathetic for others. I think she skipped the day we were taught how to empathize with others. She can't be happy the way she treats you. I suppose this could just be the way she is copeing and deep down she is scared. Who knows.

Sorry for assuming things about your relationship. We are having problems too and our 37th wedding anniversary is in October. I'm not the best marriage counselor but she sounds like a gal I use to be friends with.

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