Hey guys, me again,
Question, have any of you experienced wild emotional outbursts during times when you're flaring? Most of you know my history, suffice it to say, like many of you, I've been to hell and back. Recently, it's been much worse. In the past five years my body is falling apart. I've been in too much pain or too sick to live life. I've missed so much. The arthritis I have as a result of this lousy illness and it's treatments resulted in surgery on both my shoulders, constant pain. My j pouch wouldn't stop flaring, causing constant agony, leakage and bleeding, so, on June 19th this year, I had a Koch pouch installed (as most of you already know). Two weeks after that came blockage #1, last week blockage #2 and valve damage that will probably require surgical correction (will find out in two weeks). All of this most of you already know, what most don't know is the psychological damage this has caused. I've tried SO hard not to let it get to me, big boys don't cry, right? WRONG! I do, when I never did before. All these years I've pushed it to the back of my mind, knowing there is nothing I can do about it, and I didn't want to show weakness to my family so they wouldn't worry. But, recently, it all seems more then I can handle. The slightest thing can set it off, just thinking about it, wondering if I'll ever see light at the end of a never ending tunnel of pain and darkness. I know, I know, it can be, or could be, much worse. I'll survive it, but that being said doesn't help, at all, in the here and now. My psyche is like a glass of water. Up until recently, it was full but not leaking, now, all this seems more then my brain can handle, and that full cup is running over and pouring out, with no control. I'm already on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, but this is too much for me to handle. I guess everyone has their breaking point, just never thought I'd reach mine at only 43 years old. My question to you is, has this happened to you too? I'm sure I'm not alone, I've been dealing with this since I was 20, the past 23 years weren't all bad, I did have some good years too, but just seems the good is gone, I know it will return, but until then, how do I deal with this, or, how do you deal with it? Part of me feels silly for whining about something as seemingly trivial as crying, after all I've been through, but I guess I'm not a robot after all, my brain is full, and my soul exhausted. In two weeks I see my surgeon to see if I need more surgery. I'll survive, but for the first time in my life, I'm dreading it (surgery usually never bothered me before). Please tell me I'm not alone, can't take much more, thanks for listening guys, you're my strength!