dating question re: having kids

I don't think kids or marriage usually get discussed early in dating and probably is not something you will need to worry about.

I may be able to help, because I've been in that situation so many times.

How I apporach it is like this. I basically say right now no I have no want to have children. This isn't saying when I'm with someone, married, and down the line I'll feel the same way. Who knows, once you're with an amazing person, settle down, the whole white picket fence thing may be something you want. Basically, you can't predict the future. Really how can you right??? If they don't like that answer, keep it moving. If someone is that hard up on children on the like 3rd or 4th date, or even month that's a red flag (for me anyway).

I really have never ever had a desire to have children. Everyone told me that would change when I got older.... well here I am, older (30) and I still don't want them. I'm in a great relationship with a wondeful man that would make the most amazing father, BUT NO I still don't want them. However, who knows what could happen down the line, I'm allowed to change my mind one day. He's totally understanding of this because where he is in life he feels the same way.


Hope this helps! Take that and make it your own if you like the idea. Just remember, dating is supposed to be fun!

Theresa,

I never wanted children and still do not want them at age 49. There is nothing to be sorry about. Financially, best decision I ever made in my life. Can I pay to send a kid through the same $45,000 per year law school I went to? No! Plus there are way too many people in our overpopulated world and history teaches that mother nature corrects overpopulation with diseases, sickness and starvation. The Chinese government already figured this out the hard way.

I almost got an ex-girlfriend pregnant, sweated bullets for a week until she had her period late. I decided never again will I take that chance.

Don't ever be ashamed that you do not want kids.

fq,

How old are you? I should have asked that before. The dating scene in your younger years (Im comparing 18 - 22 to 27 - 30) is WAY different than laer on. You may get the question more if you're dating in the later years than in the early 20's.

You can always try out a dog lol. Not a kid in the least, but something you need to care for, love, walk, feed, spend money on, give attention to, be there for. I have a 3 year old Pit named Nima and she's the love of my life. They're awesome companions too <3

thanks, that is great advice! I'm 35 now. been outta the game too long!

Just remember to have fun with it! Enjoy it all over again.

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You can always try out a dog lol.

Dogs are man's/woman's best friend. My parents have a Shih Tzu and the dog is very clingy and needy, but they love her. I find the dog's behavior fascinating, especially the tremendous, shaking fear of thunderstorms and vacuum cleaners. Dogs are definitely a good alternative!

DJB,
If you can find a college for $49,000 a year you are lucky. Our third son's graduate program is $80,000 per year. Most of our children do not want children because they know how hard it was for us.Scary times....

Um he went to law school a while ago. Do the math. Plus what does this have to do with whether or not to have kids? I know some people make having kids a finacial choice but it is a lot more complicated than that. There is so much involved plus a bag of chips. Sometimes life just happens. Hopefully everyone can make choices that make everyone happy. We all do our best.

I figured out at age 12 that something was wrong 'in there' and got it confirmed by a very kind and understanding Obs-Gyn that took my concerns seriously back then. Too much radiation, too many drugs & surgeries and the chances of having a normal child went way down...and I Wanted kids desperately. So dating, from day 1 was a nightmare...I wanted kids but couldn't have them, was so bloody maternal that it ouzed out of my pores like sweat and every single guy who wanted them chose me to be 'the mother of their children'...I had to run away every time that I had a good date!
In the end, for me at least, I only date divorced men with kids...couldn't take the risk of falling in love with a single guy who wanted them (lead to some very strange dating techniques!)...
My speach when I did date 'singles' only came into play after 3-6 months when I started talking about the scars/disease and the unpleasant side-effects..never even touched the topic before 3 months with a guy and by then it had to be serious, very serious.
Broke a lot of hearts (mostly mine). Here it seemed like all guys wanted kids so I had to wait until I was the age where most single guys were already divorced to find my hubby (2 kids from a previous marriage) and I never regreted it.
DO not fall into the trap of thinking that you have to discuss anything serious before 3-6 months. Keep it light and fun and avoid the subject like the plague. Besides, things can change.
Sharon

I really liked Sharon's answer. I had a couple of men ask me if I wanted children when dating but it was a rare question and usually happened after knowing each other for quite a while. I just told them it was a difficult decision and was still up in the air.

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Our third son's graduate program is $80,000 per year.

My goodness gracious! That would be $240,000 or $320,000 depending on whether a 3 or 4 year program. I do not like that math.

My family raised me to believe that you have to try and do a little better in life than the generation before you did. This has actually happened in my family in terms of education, jobs and income but not necessarily in terms of happiness. My Grandfather had a 3rd grade education, my Dad got a Bachelor's degree from UConn and I was the 1st one to go to grad school, and then my sister did as well, getting a Master's Degree in Political Affairs. My sister was actually valedictorian of her class. That means if I have a kid, he/she not only has to at least be put through graduate school, but maybe two graduate schools. It's going to cost a million bucks!

Some people want to hide from the stark financial realities of the costs of raising children but I am not going to do it. Sticking your head in the sand like an ostrich and pretending that these realities do not exist does not make them go away. There is no magic wand. I took the easy way out, I know, but it is also balanced out by the fact that IBD has made life difficult for me financially and in other ways. I am not sure everyone gets or understands this logic, but in my mind it was the correct choice for me.

I too worry about passing something on to a child if I ever decide to have one. Whenever the subject comes up with my boyfriend and I that's the 1st thing I start to talk about. My family health history is horrible. I'd never wish this on anyone. But, I know I'll have to maybe one day not put too much weight on that, nothing is 100% and the kid could be in perfect health forever. It's hard not to think about it believe me I totally relate to you. I wish we could predcit these things but it's impossible. I still vote for a dog! A rescue that will forever be grateful =)

On the other topic I see here....

Only school I put my pittie though was training and then her Good Canine Certification. I promise you it was not in the 40k lol.

Im 100k deep in student loans for my graduate degree! THREE WORDS if you have a kid that my parents never did for me.....

****PREPAID COLLEGE FUND!!!!!!!!!****

It locks in the current rates and you add money till the kid goes off to school. No loans (or minimal) for you, none for them, everyone wins! Takes that stress away

I adopted and could not be happier with how that worked out for me

I adopted two and had two. I passed UC on to one child, definitely not a good feeling. We were very careful about financial planning but the last five years of medical bills and market crisis destroyed our savings and investments. Luckily my children have found fellowships and employers to help pay for their education.

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Luckily my children have found fellowships and employers to help pay for their education.

Your kids came through in the clutch! So did my office manager's daughter. My office manager works two jobs to make ends meet, at our office 40 hours Monday to Friday and a catering job on weekends. Her 18 year old daughter had to come through with a scholarship offer to make college work and she did. Got accepted into a very good engineering school and from what I understand is getting $46,000 a year meaning the family only has to pay a doable $7,000 per year. I think they are making her take out loans for half of it to teach her the value of money. My father and I had the same deal with law school, he paid half and I paid the other half via loans.

Ok, so I am going to say something rediculous here....bare with me on this one. Why are we spending fortunes on our kids education?? Why are we making that a factor in having/not having kids? Why are we allowing our genetic make-up to decide for us? Our (grand)parents did not weigh the consequences of genetics or the price of school in deciding to have kids...they just had us/our parents etc.
I know too many people who scratched & saved & sacrificed for years to pay for their kids education only to have 2/3 fiddle away the 4yrs doing nothing but having fun. No diplomas, no education just regrets on having not taken holidays for 20yrs for the kids to blow it all and end up selling cell phones or waitressing.
Why are we not allowing those kids to work & fight & save for their own education like we did and decide in the end if they even want to go to college or not?
It is like worrying about catching a disease...does worrying immunise (sp?) you from getting it or does it just destroy your daily life?
I am not saying that we shouldn't worry and save (I have 3 health insurance policies) but....aren't we a bit too over concerned/prepared?
Just an opinion.
Sharon

Personally I don't want my kids to have to go through what i went though, and not only suffing with a nasy illness like UC from 8 to 15, 3 surgeries, terrible prendisone bloating causing horrible bullying in school (elementary and middle), and having to live with a jpouch that really isn't the greatest all the time. ALSO, putting myself though school, working my butt off, only to owe 100k in loans that will for the next 25 years haunt me and mess with my credit because im a sigle white girl with no kids, and i make too much money according the the "guidelines" (which are bull**** lol).

Have I become a better stronger person that most people I know at my age, of course, but it was a really steep cost and I'd give my Masters and half my BS degree back to cut that 100k in half, get rid of the over $400 a month I have to pay for it. BUT, that's why I can't scream about prepaid college funds enough. Eliminates one concern =) The health issues, it comes to a point where you just have to decide to roll the dice and pray for the best. Which one day I believe each one of us will get over in our own way if we want to be parents bad enough. OR we adopt like I see a lot of these wonderful people did. Plenty of kids need loving people to take them in.

I just want to say that I started a family without planning it and not knowing what the future would be with my UC. My older brother had UC and we were both sick kids so I guess it was pretty evident in our lives.

I am grateful EVERY SINGLE day of my life that my 2 wonderful sons do not have UC. They are 24 and 17. They have never exhibited any signs that look like they may get it. It is really the number 1 thing I care about. I wouldn't wish this disease and all that goes with it on a stranger let alone my kids. I just want to say how grateful I am that they are healthy.

re: dating and how to answer the question, why not just be 100% honest. I would probably answer something like this, "I've had x number of very serious surgeries that have done a number on my abdomen. It may or may not have an effect on my ability to have my own biological children, and I'm not sure at this point whether or not I want to put my body through the additional trauma."

If, in fact, you may be intersted in having kids, but not necessarily married to the idea of having them biologically, exploring adoption could be a great alternative. That's what my husband and I are exploring, since we haven't conceived yet after my surgries and have no interest in pursuing fertility treatments/IVF, etc. because my husband (and I as well) do not want to put my body through the additional stress.

You may find someone for whom biological children is a deal-breaker, but I hope for you that you meet and fall in love with someone that puts your needs before that, and is open to exploring "out-of-the-box" options with you.

Best of luck,
Becky

Some refreshing intelligent and honest posts in this thread. Regarding the option of adoption, my firm's IT guy and his wife adopted two young Russian children who at the time of the adoption were about 5 or 6 years old. The stated reason for doing this was "we want to fast forward past the diaper changing and baby crying at all hours years." He is very happy with it and his kids seem well adjusted. He is a very, very bright guy and one afternoon after he fixed problems on my computer he told me the various rules which he imposes on his kids, and they were very amusing and creative. He has certain academic expectations of these kids and when those expectations are not met, they get punishments in the form of not being allowed to have phones or play games or do things with friends until the situation is corrected. He comes from the same "spare the rod and spoil the child" philosophy I got raised with, except there is no hitting of the kids or any physical punishment. It's all psychological stuff that he uses and I must say I like his rules and probably would have done well with them if I was his kid.

wow, interesting discussion! i like to read everyone's point of view. I like the advice and will try to have fun with dating, be honest, and keep my mind open to options - maybe a dog adopting is nice idea and i admire those who have. i can't imagine having to take care of a child now when i can barely leave the house and am so bogged down with my own healthcare. hopefully financial and health situations will be improved - otherwise there is always family friends and j-poucher support!

As a good friend told me (and I need to keep reminding myself of this) "Don't out drive your headlights!"

I am not the most patient patient at times so I need to remember that it's like driving a car at nighttime. You can only see so far ahead.

I say this knowing full well that it is easier said than done but one day (hell, one minute) at a time.

I'm in a different situation. I am a single person and I'm worried about dating also after surgery. I have 4 kids. But I always wonder if I'll want one more if I found the right person. or if they want more... I got my tubes tied because I was in such horrible pain with my last baby but I get pregnant at the drop of a dime! So it was for my best interest to not have anymore. I do have 4 kids so I guess its ok if I dont but I always wonder this. Also my children so far have been in great health (knock on wood). Mine sucks!