Hey Brian... I wanted to write yesterday but I had a ton of errands to do and I kept thinking I didn't know the right words. Well, I still don't know the right words but I know you are going through a hard time and I at least, want to acknowledge that. All of it is hard.. being sick for so long, having operations, getting used to a new system in one's body, having things not work the way you had hoped, and yeah, looking at ourselves in a new light and going.. WTF??? I remember coming across an old photo of me in a bikini and crying my eyes out because of my new scars from surgery and knowing those bikini days were never going to come to fruition again. I remember lots of bad things like bag bursts (I had a temp. loop ostomy for a very long time before take down and reversal) and bag leaks from the original ostomy and return trips to the ER etc etc etc. Oh there were so many other medical horrible things too cause my body was just pissed off at me from years of a very diseased colon inside of me. Ultimately, I could not have lived that way.. I would have died... so, my end result was LIFE.. with.. umm.. a few compromises. And I'm reminded of this all the time.. I wake up every day, still not feeling all that well, but I do my routine to get myself up and going and clean and organized and many a day I go to the pool or meet a friend for a long hike, or pre covid, wound up going dancing three to four times a week. I found/find things that work for me and find joy within them. Yes, ,of course, I am in pain a lot, I still go to the bathroom a lot, I take a zillion showers and lose sleep etc. etc. but as my best girlfriend reminded me just the other day when I told her I needed another hour before I could meet her.. at least, i didn't cancel. Many a time pre operations, I would just cancel and lay in bed. I don't have a magic solution to help you feel better.. but I wanted to say, you are not alone in your thinking at this time... I don't want to say anything trite, like take it one day at a time, or things will get better... or stay positive.. yet, all those things are things that you could say to yourself. Maybe just think of it as >> hey, I am alive and I am going to make the best out of what I have now... My aunt would always say, "it beats the alternative" and I knew full well what she meant.. her husband, my beloved favorite Uncle died of lung cancer at age 51, Anyhow, I don't know if I am helping or not but just to say, yeah, it's a very hard time of things for you right now... try different things. I know I also started going to synagogue once a week. Years later, I don't go very often, but at the time in between about five operations, I went and it helped me. It helped me to have something once a week to go to. Try and get out of your head and try new things. I realize some things are very limited due to covid. but get creative and you'll figure things out. Do you have any childhood or school friends? You could meet and play cards on a picnic table, etc. etc. The sky is the limit. Carry a bag of items you need to go to the bathroom and emergencies.. throw it in a knapsack. No one needs to know you carry around extra clothes, toilet paper, hand sanitizer etc etc. Take a hike in the woods, duck behind a tree and do your business if you have to. Heck, that'/s what I did on Saturday. I wish you much luck and much strength and much health and feel free to write again if any of this was of any help.