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My mom passed away on May 30th from secondary cancer  that spread to her liver due to FAP. I keep saying she is not suffering anymore but I'm broken. How do I go on from here. I feel drained, like a robot pushing through. I drove home from work today, my first thought was call mom but then I remembered I can't anymore. I feel a sense of anxiety, a punch the wall kind of sadness. Does it get any better? Will it hurt less? 

Original Post

First, let me extend my sincere condolences for your loss. Losing a parent is a very traumatic event.

I lost my father very suddenly in Dec 2015. I can tell you it was very traumatic and absolutely awful for the first year or more. During that time, I was so focused on helping my mother as I had such pain for her losing her husband who was relatively young and with such a sudden death, it really rips you apart. Dad did everything for mom so I had to help her with the bills, selling cars, transferring insurance etc etc. 

After the trauma subsides, there tends to be a sense of longing that is very hard to describe as you go about you day to day life with your loved one missing. You still think about them often and miss their presence especially at holidays and milestones in your life and have moments of deep sadness, but the agony punch in your gut feeling will subside. The pain in our heart never fully subsides. It reminds me of a scab that trys to heal but when you really think about your lost one, the scab gets ripped open and the pain reappears as it was the day you lost them. 

My father's death has changed my family's live drastically since he passed. His birthday falls on father's day so this year will be very hard. He was the anchor in all of our lives and full of so much love and life before he passed. It was so hard losing him suddenly with no prior illness.  Staying very busy helps and focusing your attention on helping others and trying to find the gratitude in the time you shared with him while he was here and holding your memories dear will help. I know how hard this time is.  Try and remember that love never dies. Your mom will remain in your heart forever. Rest and make sure to take care of yourself as well while you are healing. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Khao,

I am so sorry...I feel your pain...today is the 1st anniversary of my dad's death...a horrible day for me, a day when the phone call came and there was nowhere for me to go and no way to say goodbye...I was 5000miles away...and have been for over 30yrs...

First, it was the punch in the gut, then the numbness of irreality...finally it was the slow motion walk through day to day life where I would wake up every morning and say, 'daddy' before my first breath...

It took every effort just to go about my day to day life...and find a reason to get up...my job helped, a lot...I am a professor and that is all consuming...it takes every minute of your life from the second that you walk in the door til you close down at night...That really allowed me to heal...throwing all of my energy into my 'kids'...giving more, spending time helping them through their problems made mine feel less heavy...

I am a 'the more you give, the less you need' kind of person so doing for others is my therapy...baking too...Talking to my dad in my head (rarely out loud but it does happen, just not when people are around or I may get committed)...I have baked mountains of pastries and cakes, breads by the ton (I don't eat any of them...I just bake and give it away...or hubby eats it all)...I put the love that I could no longer give to my dad, into my baking...And then fed my world with it.

I visit with my 'adopted' mother here in Paris, in the hospital weekly...that helps me too...knowing that I can be there for someone who needs me even though I couldn't be there for my dad...gives me some sort of balance and healing.

As last night rolled by I lit a 24hr candle to my dad...I've been lighting a lot of big candles lately, the flame seems to help calm me...the peace that they give me has no name...I sit in the dark, many nights, with just the candle and my thoughts...I go through old pictures, remember, write poetry...

I try to live up to the promises that I made him, to be and become the person that he could be proud of and to give...that was what he felt strongest about...Giving back to others...So I do.

There is no secret recipe...no miracle other than time. For some, it is quicker than for others...Doesn't mean that they loved more or less, just that they have a different coping mechanism, a different healing speed.

My 'moment' came about 2 months ago...As I was leaving the metro at the end of a very long day, I exited the train and heard my dad's voice call my name...just once. That was all that I needed...his voice in my head...he was still there...it echoed around me for a while and gave me back my peace.

He is with me now, more than ever...he is no longer suffering, he is no longer being tortured by life's design...he is free, as I like to believe, in a heaven where his body is young and pain-free again...and whole. 

No secrets...but one day, sooner or later, you will wake up and not be in so much pain...and that is all anyone can ask for.

My condolences.

Sharon

Hello, Khaos247.

I am sorry that your mother has passed. It doesn't matter how old you are, the loss of a mum or dad is overwhelming. Look on the Internet what are the stages of grief. It might help you when feelings overwhelm you or when grief comes in heavily. There are no blue prints or time frame for grief or mourning. Each person will experience it in their own way, at their own pace. The five stages of grief (some say there are seven stages) is just a way to try to understand when you swing from one memory or mood to another. If someone tells you it's time to move on, don't listen to them. You are the only one to know when or how to stand up again, and take up your life in a different way. Take your time. 

OUCH! Fortunately I haven't had any of those issues. Sense my Jpouch, I have had only a couple of issues with pouchitis, a fistula, and an occasional bout with the runs.

I feel fortunate that I haven't had some of the issues that so many of the memembers have had. I occasionally dirty my diaper, I occasionally have some serious belly pains, and I have occasionally had the 'wormy' feeling that something is grying to wiggle out of my rectum; but as for doing reconstructive surgery,,,,, nothing like that. I thank Dr. Marks at Lankanau hospital for doing a great job.

He told me one, 'it isn't the greatest, but it's the current gold standard of medicine'.  And I think him.

 

Sorry for all of you that have lost your parent (s). My dad and I talked daily. He passed a year ago and the last few months it has all come back as I was taking care of him in the hospital and at home. I still think about him every day at the usual time of our phone calls. Those thoughts are good memories. The anniversary of the last few ill months of his life have saddened me and I wish he was still here but feel blessed he lived 85 years.

Please remember you are not alone. I have been taking care of my mom now for 7 years. It's really hard some days but it's hard to imagine life without her. My mom still lives on own down the street but cant do much anymore and is almost deaf. But it's sounds like you were a great daughter. No matter how much we do and how much we spend time with them we will all have some kind of regret. But remember the good times in your heart and hang on to them, they will help. I'm sending you good thoughts and smile when you think of her.  FRANCES 

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