Hi all,

It’s been about 12 months of trying for a baby and I’m not sure I should keep trying. At this rate, I’ll be 40 if I give birth. I’m not sure it’s ethical to keep trying. My primary care doctor acted like I’m a criminal (I need a new doctor, I know.)

I’m just so sad. I don’t want to put any potential child at risk. I’ve worked my career and my life around maybe having a kid, but caring for my mom and trying to pay down student debt and all kinds of things slowed me down. I feel like I messed up by waiting too long. 

And, yes, I know adoption is an option, but... well, that’s a long story. 

Anyway, can anyone give me an experience story. I’m open to opinions too. We don’t have huge amounts of cash sitting around to do expensive IVF. I just don’t know if I’m ready to grieve this yet. 

Original Post

Hi Lina:  My heart is with you because I am also at a similar crossroads. I'm not a mom (yet, fingers crossed) but I would encourage you to get all the information possible before making decisions on what path to follow.  Many women have healthy children in their late 30s and early 40s. There are so many factors for why it may not have happened over the last 12 months----I really encourage you to work with someone who can help you identify what the barrier may be.  

I think for us, individuals who have had complicated medical histories, it's really important to be connected to the right physicians to really look at the big picture.  It sounds like your doctor may not be the right one for you.   

There are also options for affordable IVF. For example, in Maryland and Virginia--there is Shady Grove fertility which has financial assistance programs and shared risk programs.  Also--they have REs that have actually worked with people with j-pouches before.  That was HUGE for me.  It helped me to really make an informed decision for myself rather than just assume I had infertility issues due to my surgery/adhesions. 

Adoption is a beautiful thing and I whole heartedly support it and admire those who take this route.  I know for me, I really wanted to make sure I had all the information possible to make the best decision and not have regrets later.

I wish you all the best.

 

 

 

Hi Lina, 

Can I please get royally pissed off at your doctor????

What kind of fool is he or she? Making you feel bad because you want to have a baby? You are not 65 and trying to break the Guinness book of world's records you are trying to be a mom.

I am near 60 and tried hard my whole life to become a mom. My disease(s) and my underlying health along with all of my surgeries pretty much made sure that that did not happen (I did try, lose, try again and again with and without medical assistance) but I found my own way to become a 'mother'...in my case God-mother and Grandmother (hubby had 2 older daughters)...so I got to be a psudo-mom...not the same but as close as I ever got. Do I regret not trying harder, Yes...but I also know that I had a lot of underlying hereditary diseases that I could have transmitted and did not wish to do that to a child (I had suffered enough).

But I support any woman who tries. 

My 2 best friends here in Paris had their babies at 44+. 

The first one tried IVF for 10yrs, giving her all, losing so many babies and starting again. After her 10th attempt, the government health systems said stop, she was too old and they wouldn't 'support the effort' any longer. 

Thankfully her husband pulled out a checkbook and paid out of pocket for 'last-ditch' effort. My Goddaughter is now 13.

The second never wanted kids, at least never felt the need. Until she fell in love for the first time at 44. They met, moved in together and she stopped the pill without any confidence whatsoever that it could or would happen. She got pregnant the following month. My Godson is now 21.

They were both fantastic moms, have very healthy and happy kids and do not regret it for a second. 

By the way, I have a 3rd girlfriend here. She is my French brother's girlfriend. They got together when she was into her 40's...he wanted another child, she was lukewarm about it but wanted him. She did one cycle of shots (3 months) and gave up...too much effort, too much trouble, too many side-effects.

15yrs later she keeps saying how she could have had a teenage son by now if only she had toughed it out.

We often regret the things that we did not do much more than those that we did do.

Good luck

Sharon

 

Thanks so much for your replies!

so, we did try IUI three times since I posted and none of them worked. But, both my husband and I have been deepening our sense of what wellness means to us, and I began doing acupuncture, among other things. Not sure if it will help, but I feel better and more clear. My husband does, too. 

I think getting over the scary hump of turning 40 actually helped. To my amazement, I didn’t suddenly wake up elderly and senile and decrepit on the morning of my 40th birthday. Isn’t it crazy- the things we imagine that make no sense? LOL

I’ll be giving birth at 41 at this rate. And we may try IVF very soon. But I’m so lucky, which I see more clearly now, with more holistic doctors, that I’m actually in pretty good shape at 40. Huge shout-out to Cleveland Clinic for doing such a good job on my J-pouch 11 years ago. I do get pouchitis from time to time, especially if I eat sweets, but I’ve learned a lot about different probiotics and supplements and I think I’m on my way to making this work. I hope so, at least!


And, I would love to hear more encouraging stories. I’ll take all that healthy baby energy I can get! <3

I am so happy that you did not give up but are trying alternate

medical professionals to help you...sometimes they work and sometimes they don't...But we never regret giving our all (talk to me once you have a couple of surly teenagers laying on your sofa texting and spilling stuff...you may just wonder if it was all worth it!! )

I know so many who tried and failed and tried again until they either succeeded or gave up on carrying a child and gave in to other methods of being a parent.

I raised my grandkids (the first two)...every weekend for the first 10yrs of their lives, from Friday night to Sunday most weekends and holidays...if I couldn't 'mother' than I could 'grandmother'...did I miss out on some stuff? Yes, but not all of it...

My niece is pregnant with number 2...she is over 40...number 1 is just a year old...she may go for a third if she can...Both are beautiful and healthy!

Is it harder? For some, yes..for others it is easier because of having more financial security and stability. More mental stability and experience too...

You have what it takes...a desire and a dream and a supportive hubby.

I wish you all of the luck in the world.

Sharon

 

 


I had tried to get pregnant for years - through my mid 30s with my ex husband. It was a terrible marriage and I was stressed all the time. It made my UC disease worse and ended up with stage 1 colon cancer. I had my colon removed and jpouch etc - you know the drill. I did really well and I was very lucky. I got out of that marriage and moved to a new city where I met my now husband. Now I am SO glad I didn't have a child with my first husband!

I tried IVF at 42 years old and I got pregnant and now my son is 3. It was a longshot for sure but we knew we had to try. I am so glad we did. Keep trying because even up until your late, late 40s you can get pregnant through fertility treatments. You just need one to take!  If not, you know you tried everything. And my best friend said, if you want to be a mother, there are so many ways to get there- look at all avenues and roads. You'll get there whether its IVF, adoption, surrogate, fostering etc. Everyone I know that wanted to be a parent is now a parent- one way or another. At the end of the day, you love them no matter how they come into your life.

TIPS FOR IVF:

Meditation (there are great guided fertility / conception meditations on youtube). I meditated before, during and after my implantation. I imagined the embryo going in there and attaching and being so warm and happy and flourishing. Visualize it - imagine every detail.

Acupuncture -it's proven that acupuncture helps IVF -they've done numerous studies/ articles you can read about. I did it through the whole process. 

Be good to yourself - try not to stress and rest, listen to music, take nice walks.

Ghee - eat lots of it. My friend is an ayurvedic practioner (sister science to yoga) and she told me to smother it on everything - toast, veggies - everything. It nourishes the womb. 

Take folic acid everyday and start prenatal vitamins now.

And yes, it's scary to have a "geriatric pregnancy" but so is pregnancy in general. You can't control everything so you have to go with it. 

Big hugs, I know how hard it is. 

 

 

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