Hi Summer L,
I am so sorry...although this is always a rough journey, not everyone has it as rough as you are having it now.
You are going through a very dark patch...and endless dark tunnel with no end in sight..At least for now. It is called PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and it is hell. It makes you sad, hopeless, terrified, negative, sleepless, puts knots in your guts, makes your heart palpitate, causes cold sweats, makes you stink, clouds your mind and dreams...and those are only a few know symptoms...There are many more. Some people weather it, others take meds or talk therapy for it, others meet in groups to talk about it or on forums like this.
You need people who understand what you are going through, people with whom you can share you terror, fear and pain...people who will not pretend to understand but really do. You need to cry, a lot...And then cry more. Tears help so do not keep them bottle in...let them out...you are allowed...you are in mourning for your life as you knew it before, your freedom and your health...nothing is going as planned and your body is making you pay for it...
So for now, use whatever you need to feel better...but eat...eating will help you to heal...get a hand blender and blend fruits or veggies or something, anything that you and your pouch like that does not burn on the way out.
You are facing a double problem...Things that go in and do not block you and things that come out and do not burn...and knowing which ones are ok for both. It is so hard.
There is a light at the end and eventually, you will see it...for now, it is just too far off for you.
I know that that darned NG tube is hell, I cried for 2 straight weeks when I had it in post-op in 2000...it felt like I had a Hover in my head that would never shut down. I couldn't sleep or eat and would choke on my own saliva and tears. It didn't stop me from getting an ileus and going down another horrible road...but I still survived it (didn't feel like it at the time).
I get a lot of blockages, try to do what I can to avoid them and now know (more or less) what to do whenever I get them...I am so terrified of that darned NG tube that I prefer to wait it out here at home than to go to ER...so far I have been lucky.
Yes, your life sucks and your body that feels like your worse enemy...for now. It may take a while for it to heal...But it will...one way or another.
98% of us do...you are lucky to have an understanding hubby beside you...it is so much better than being alone through this journey.
Look on that as a small ray of sunshine in a world of darkness.
Do what you need to do to find a calm and peaceful place to heal in...light candles, listen to music, take hot baths, lay on a heating pad (I use a cherry pit filled bag that I throw into the Mic every night...it soothes me and puts me to sleep almost immediately) .
Give it time but do not give up.