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Reply to "The calm after the storm...depression?"

Thanks Tough,
I know that I Should be happy right now, and I am often happier and in less pain than before but when I see the ravages that are what is left of my life after all of this time I am heartbroken.
I never told my family or friends of the pain that I was in (I have a reasonably high pain threshold) but cried alone in the tub or shower...sometimes not being able to move my right side/hip without horrible pain...I never went to narcotics but limited myself to tylenol or advil...I never shared my fears and terrors with my family either...they couldn't understand...they are sort of colour-blind to it all...
Hubby tries, explaining that he will just put off his retirement for another couple of years (he was supposed to retire 3yrs ago!) to pay the bills but he is exhausted too...he puts in 60hr weeks at 65! It just isn't fair!
I want to be useful again...I need to contribute to this world, society, the public...I need to pay my bills...I miss teaching, helping the kids and being part of something bigger than just me and my pouch! I feel like I have been living inside my stoma for the last decade and want out!
The only job offer that I have has thus far is an independant teaching job where the guy wanted to pay me 17€/hr...3hrs travel time each way for a 2hr class and no travel expenses...after charges/taxes & transport it worked out to 3€/hr or 6€ for an 8 hr day! My ex cleaning lady earned 10xs that!
Just demoralised at the moment...nothing a good job wouldn't change.
Thanks for listening.
Sharon
Ps...mom does not have lukemia but some other blood disease...probably auto-immune!
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