so depressed & confused

Please don’t judge me too harshly for feeling so sorry for myself, I’m just so sick of life with disease & mental health issues entering my later life


I had UC for 20 years & convinced myself in my sales career that positive mental attitude can overcome anything - it can’t !- just covered by saying i had a wheat intolerance - lol !


Being faced with a withered colon and watery diarrhoea 20 + times a day, I was finally advised my cells were changing & unless I wanted to risk cancer i should have a total collectomy


I did and felt horribly disfigured & disgusted with constant leaks & hideous oversize clothes to avoid bursting a watery bag, especially when sleeping !


my total exhaustion lead to me having to give up work as a sales director & even delivery driving proved unviable as carrying heavy grocery deliveries kept bursting the bag - so I lost my income, status & dignity really, all in one fell swoop..


Major depression followed and my wife of nearly 40 years divorced me


I was recently diagnosed as bi polar and really now struggle understanding , who i am, what is the disease and what are the mental health issues & are they just reactions to my major life changes ?


I recently met a wonderful nurse but split with her just days after my j pouch surgery when I was just so manic after complications with the j pouch formation that i drove her away forever - she cut me off completely


the following weeks my skin burned a 10 inch circle of ascoriated flesh as the new stoma was inverted given very little small bowel to work with & I bled & leaked from my bag constantly


the return take down surgery was delayed 5 times waiting in a hospital bed which sent my anxiety sky high


eventually i awoke after surgery to be told I had to be opened up and the stoma site cut away and bowel separated as the healing process had knitted everything together inside so keep imobile in my hospital bed in case i tore the new joins which were under stress given the limited bowel had everything stretched to the limit


6 weeks with a gaping hole healing in me did nothing to raise my spirits


All the scars & wounds have now healed, but my mind has not.


now I am really questioning my decision to have an internal pouch


constant watery output, my arse is on fire & I feel so fatigued that i struggle to face any task


I feel totally distraught !


the divorce is messy and my ex  wife is going through the courts to evict me




My son says “ Man Up "


To be honest I don’t think I can .......


I feel totally broken, physically, emotionally & mentally !!!


I keep trying to push myself to go out socially, yet keep driving home in floods of tears feeling so lonely and lacking in confidence these days


Am I the only one to have my life disintegrate with this disease ???



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