It’s a huge transition and I can understand why you feel like that. It a big change from what other people, with normal colons, deal with.
I have to wear a pad at night too, bc sometimes it can leak a little. I also found that Balneol helps wiping- it’s a a cleanser that helps a lot. It so gentle and can get stuff that baby wipes can’t clean. You may want to try that. You can get it from Amazon.
Made you talking to a counselor or someone about this? Or a support group? If helps a lot to vent in this group but sometimes additional counseling helps too.