I never had a j pouch but was functionally incontinent for years pre-k-pouch. Same protocol as Bill...light meal beforehand (or no meal), empty out as much as possible and RELAX.
As for the conversations...you need to have a sense of humour. So does he. You need to be able to discuss how you are feeling before, during and after...to feel free to say stop, wait, I need a break so that you can run and let the gas out or whatever...Then come back and feel comfortable. Also, put a pretty towel on the bed, something cute, not clinical like a white towel. Make sure that you keep a blue pad covering the mattress at all times (emergency measures) and prepare for the worst but expect the best.
A damp washcloth or a package of wipes near the bed help you to feel safe and fresh.