You are a true champion....
I do not 'talk about God' much on this forum...firstly it is public and that seems to be a no-no these days. Secondly, I respect the beliefs of others who may not have the same point of view as I have on the subject...But, and here is the big but...God helps. Whatever the vision of God or your name for him (or her) you feel comforted by his presence in times of pain and sorrow.
He was a great comfort to me on those very long nights in the hospital pre and post-op as a kid (long before they allowed parents to stay with their child...The loneliness could really terrify you)...I took comfort in knowing that there was something out there that was bigger, stronger, and better and that there was a 'plan'...I won't preach but sometimes that is what we really need...To feel small and allow someone else to take control of the wheel for a while...to trust that things will turn out for the best.
When asked why things always happened to me, I used to say that I was strong and that I could shoulder the burdens that others could not, so God, gave me theirs...(I was around 9 at the time)...I still believe that today...
So, I trust that you are strong, that you will get through this and that there is, well, a plan...
And that it is time to allow those around you to help. Yes, let them help. Teach the little ones how to help in little things....let them feel important and useful in your healing process...Whether it is bringing you something that you need, setting the table or pour cereal for the smaller ones, make them feel like that are actors in your recovery...it will be so much less frightening for them that way...They will feel less powerless and lost...and you will be so proud of them.
By the way, No one who has not been on this journey can understand it.
No more than a man can understand childbirth or periods. He can sympathize, empathize but he cannot understand it. That goes for friends too...if you have not walked this path, then you cannot say, 'I understand'...so do not expect them to.
I lost a lot of friends along the way...And am very grateful that I did...Because the ones that are still there are precious, and here to stay.
Sharon