Frustrated and scared to have total proctocoletomy

I think I'm more frustrated with my husband thinking I'm overreacting over my surgeries for no reason. I have ulcerative colitis was diagnosed in 2007 it had finally been in remission for a good 5 years or so I thought any who I got scared that I was feeling so freaking awesome because I was finally gaining weight I was able to eat whatever I wanted again and the best part was not living in the damn bathroom and being able to go out and have fun with my kids (have 6 hubby is great with them other wise we wouldn't have so many lol) well the the feeling good scared me so much that I made a follow up appointment with my GI whom I love convinced him to do another colonoscopy just to be sure everything was fine because I didn't want any surprises he agreed to do it and low and behold he found a giant polyp that he didn't feel comfortable removing, he did 13 biopsies ( half the alphabet) of course the results came back stating that they couldn't exclude cancer because he was unable to get a deep enough sample. He immediately had me meet with the surgeon who recommended doing the two surgeries first one is removing the whole colon and rectum and giving me a temp bag then two months later doing a j pouch. I felt like the wind got knocked out of me when it was explained. Here I thought everything was great when it wasn't. My husband thinks I'm crazy trying to research and gather info on my surgeries and I can't seem to get him to understand that I need to know what's being done to me he doesn't get how terrafying all of this is. I understand that nothing I read is going to change what needs to be done but I'm having a hard time pretending it's not a big deal and walking around smiling like it's going to be a walk on the park when in reality I will never be the same my marriage will never be the same my family will not be the same nothing will ever be the same. Am I wrong for crying and being upset about this? Am I being selfish? Is because I'm a woman that I feel more emotional and Insecure about how this is going to affect our relationship? So many questions and no one close to me to vent to and help answer my questions. I'm surrounded by family yet I feel so alone because no one I know has ever had to deal with ibd. ����

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