Sharon - thinking of you - it is scary - and I do what you do - sort of sway back and forth between "worst case" and "best case" and also the "I'm exiting the planet" - we've all gotta do it eventually - etc. etc. - I think as we age and yet another diagnosis happens, it's probably natural. One friend used to call it "a sense of impending doom" - it's different from existential anxiety!
I hope the heart condition is something easily managed (obviously) - I think my fears go to all that too - as in, "now what awful medical procedure/surgery do I have to endure - how much of this can I take?" etc. etc. - it's only human and natural to not want to deal with illness. We'd be crazy to say otherwise. Obviously - we learn about compassion, human frailty, and all kinds of growth happens out of long term illness, etc. - but I would love to just skip it - I'd like to go back to the part where I am blissfully unaware of physical/mentally suffering - age 4 or so?
Trying to laugh here. Also, youth was fun as you had so much time to "get past" whatever the health issue was and move on - lots of "future" out there - and then...you blink - and here you are. I try very hard to stay in the present, to do things I enjoy doing (for you - the dinner party was excellent - zen of cooking is a great one - wish I liked to cook!) - be thankful if I am not in severe pain, and just take things as they come. What else can ya do? I truly feel you are a wonderful example for us because you are so honest about issues you are dealing with and you don't sugar coat it - you can say, "I'm scared" and then you fight on. It's refreshing in a world where we must put on our happy face all the time to come to this forum and say what lies beneath....
Hope your heart is not a huge issue - we need your wonderful heart out here. Whenever I read a post from you, it lifts me up - (not bad news) - but just your voice..as it were - well, I think you inspire many people on this forum. I see it over and over in the responses to you. I admire you so much. Thank you for sharing and I am hoping for good news for you when you get to specialist. As Jan says, "this too shall pass" is always true - she helps me a lot too. Thanks to you all! I am so nervous about an appt. coming up - I know something is "off" and I know I just have to wait it out, go thru the tests, and then cope. Just like everyone else on these threads - we are not alone. I thank God for you people.