Sharon - it's ok not to be optimistic. I found some humor on a youtube video by Alan de Botain (that's not how you spell it) - he is a brit and has one on "the power of pessimism" - I found it very helpful as I've been feeling really sick too- just so weak and almost bed bound for the past 2 or 3 weeks. Yes, I think, "this is it" - so, I try to go, OK, if this is it..this is it. I can't control it. We all go sometime - this may sound harsh, but it's the only way I can cope with it. Then I panic too. So, I go up and down but mainly try to keep my mind occupied and sleep a lot. I am having lots of bad symptoms, but severe pain not one of them this time. That pain is awful - do you have a narcotic for it? Can your GI stand it? I hope so. You have to be able to sleep. The red patches are infuriating - my dear friend who just had a great experience (seriously) with follicular lymphoma - great outcome - now has broken out in huge red welts all over - derm. is trying to fix, but so far, nothing has worked. She is miserable and in pain and feeling the same as you are. I would weep - and if I get a bad diagnosis, I'm sure I will - but what the hell can ya do? Hopefully, you are experiencing things that will pass. I know you love your job and you identify with it so much...but backing away from working is not resigning from life - in fact, I found an entire other life when I quit working 7 years ago...it took years to not feel guilty that I was not "contributing" - I mean years....and then it was like a paged turned and I paint, read, knit, try to help out neighbors etc. when I am feeling well, and just live a sort of simple life at home....and the irony is that I was so tied to my job - I thought my job was me and the only reason being on the planet was to always help others. There is a lot of nonsense out there on this...such as quotes such as "if you stop contributing, you start dying" - this is rubbish if you are chronically ill. I can't believe I bought into that and beat myself up for years about it. Besides, you do contribute - to us here on the forum - you have helped me soooo much I can't describe it. Now, I am going to send up a prayer (whether you believe in it or not) for you that you are going to get through this and have many years with your hubbie left....but I really do think it may be time for you to just slow down. I hope you can first and foremost get relief from the pain - I would beg for help with that. If it meant going into ER for an IV drip for awhile, I would do it....depending on level of pain. You can only take so much and why suffer when you can get help for it? I need to take my own advice on that one - I tend to want to suffer in silence at home...I am thinking of you - you are so wonderful. I am so sorry you are suffering. I pray it's not "the end" - but please, please - "not working" does not mean "not living" - give it some thought...once you are not in horrific pain. Hope they can figure out the skin issue asap.