I am so sorry...I feel your pain...today is the 1st anniversary of my dad's death...a horrible day for me, a day when the phone call came and there was nowhere for me to go and no way to say goodbye...I was 5000miles away...and have been for over 30yrs...
First, it was the punch in the gut, then the numbness of irreality...finally it was the slow motion walk through day to day life where I would wake up every morning and say, 'daddy' before my first breath...
It took every effort just to go about my day to day life...and find a reason to get up...my job helped, a lot...I am a professor and that is all consuming...it takes every minute of your life from the second that you walk in the door til you close down at night...That really allowed me to heal...throwing all of my energy into my 'kids'...giving more, spending time helping them through their problems made mine feel less heavy...
I am a 'the more you give, the less you need' kind of person so doing for others is my therapy...baking too...Talking to my dad in my head (rarely out loud but it does happen, just not when people are around or I may get committed)...I have baked mountains of pastries and cakes, breads by the ton (I don't eat any of them...I just bake and give it away...or hubby eats it all)...I put the love that I could no longer give to my dad, into my baking...And then fed my world with it.
I visit with my 'adopted' mother here in Paris, in the hospital weekly...that helps me too...knowing that I can be there for someone who needs me even though I couldn't be there for my dad...gives me some sort of balance and healing.
As last night rolled by I lit a 24hr candle to my dad...I've been lighting a lot of big candles lately, the flame seems to help calm me...the peace that they give me has no name...I sit in the dark, many nights, with just the candle and my thoughts...I go through old pictures, remember, write poetry...
I try to live up to the promises that I made him, to be and become the person that he could be proud of and to give...that was what he felt strongest about...Giving back to others...So I do.
There is no secret recipe...no miracle other than time. For some, it is quicker than for others...Doesn't mean that they loved more or less, just that they have a different coping mechanism, a different healing speed.
My 'moment' came about 2 months ago...As I was leaving the metro at the end of a very long day, I exited the train and heard my dad's voice call my name...just once. That was all that I needed...his voice in my head...he was still there...it echoed around me for a while and gave me back my peace.
He is with me now, more than ever...he is no longer suffering, he is no longer being tortured by life's design...he is free, as I like to believe, in a heaven where his body is young and pain-free again...and whole.
No secrets...but one day, sooner or later, you will wake up and not be in so much pain...and that is all anyone can ask for.