@Sara Marie posted:I am so glad your j pouch works well, and you might find that once those benzos are completely out of your system, you will sleep a lot better. I am interested in the cause of your stress, but of course you don't need to share. : )
Good luck with the talk therapy. That could be just the ticket!
- takedown was on august 4th and since the start I resisted the urge till I literally was dying of pain (and had my muscles exhausted), in order to heal faster.
- week 2 post op and I was already going out with friends almost all day in order to “train”, still having stitches and all. also started studying for an exam in september
- studying session were from early morning till over 3am and I was just desperate to pass this exam, I was a walking zombie.
- after the exam I had not even a day off cuz I had to move right away for university: taking care of the house, cleaning and such strained me (rn I have iron deficiency btw, so a less lot of energy in general) same for going everyday to class from 8am to 5pm
- being anxious about the thought of jpouch failing me in these occasions (eg. urgency or incidents during the oral exam of anatomy in front of the teachers, during class…) and when I noticed none of it actually was happening, on the contrary during class time I do not even once hit the toilet made me feel so scared because it is so weird not having to think about… anything? I spent these years worrying about classmates noticing my bag when full, hiding it, ostomy farts during class which I didn’t know how to hide and now everything is just so weird… not having to worry about anything… not even feeling the urge in these amount of hours, forgetting I have no colon, not feeling nor an ostomate nor a jpoucher either… sometimes I wonder if I have blockages since I do not feel anything down there… it’s amazing but so scary. weird. opening my school bag and not seeing that big ostomy bags holder, with scissors and such… I refused the jpouch surgery for so many years, actually going against it and thinking it would ruin my life when it gave me the opposite: feeling PRETTY and CONFIDENT for the first time in my life. It gave me a new meaning of happiness, as if I am owning the world. I cannot believe I wasted so many years and tears over it.
- being late with exams so starting the next subject right away with crazy routines just to make it on time. I swear I’m noticing just typing this stuff how stressing university is rn for me. I feel like I’m on a high speed train which takes no stops.
On top of this, but not really related as if it was a stress reliever tbh, finally letting go of the feelings I had for my best friend whom turned out to be the biggest asshole ever. he was the only one I opened up to about UC, ostomy, and my fear of takedown… long story short: he rejected me but then he got even closer to me meanwhile he was talking to another girl who’s now his gf…I suffered so much the whole summer until I had surgery. Thanks to him being totally insensitive (“I didn’t know how to act”) I finally realised I do not need anybody playing with my feelings let alone with my health, so I finally had the courage to cut ties. we are classmates tho but thankfully tho I wasn’t really impacted at class. But the final meeting was one month post surgery so that gave me some stress and I’m still scarred from this all
also sight problems due to stress, breaking my glasses and being forced to use old ones which leads to constant migraines (just got my new pair yesterday tho)
Well… I guess I talked quite a lot lol