Wild sex life possible?

FQ,
I love your post and your optimism! Yes, anything is possible with a j pouch but as you have guessed, at least in the begining, there will need to be a bit of planning. I have a k pouch(abdominal continent ileo with my butt closed off) so it is different for me than for you but...I still need to empty my pouch pre-sex and whether I like it or not, sometimes no matter what the heart says, the pouch says no! (think after a meal of chilli con carne or a double cheese pizza...) I remarried late (at 44) so was single from 23 til then...and I dated a bit. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I was a wild one (think tepid at best ) but I had a couple of nice boyfriends...And I tested out my pouch ...I honestly believe that sex was better post pouch than pre-pouch...probably because I was sick before so I really was never really very interested in it...that whole area was a no-no zone...no-one, no-way, no-how...too much pain down there. So when the pain was gone and the pouch freed me I learned how to enjoy my life as a woman.
You will see that in time, once you have the eating/emptying down pat that you will be able to do just about anything that you want.
Sharon

I met my boyfriend six months after my last surgery and we have a very healthy relationship. I don't know that the j-pouch is much different for me from before I was even diagnosed with UC so don't be too worried about that, I'd say.

awesome! you beautiful ladies made my day/year!

dear, Sharon, I knew you'd be able to offer a helping hand here hugs

quote:

So when the pain was gone and the pouch freed me I learned how to enjoy my life as a woman.

i plan to do exactly that. even if my pouch may be finicky or grumpy, or whatever, it BETTER just shut up if I distract my attention to another organ or 2

i'll post some PG-13 info about my "adventures" once I have embarked on a few. I think it could really benefit women (and men) who are getting or have a j-pouch but are concerned about sex life.
we should be more open about these things, I feel. after everything we've been through with our bodies, knowing that we can still have active, healthy sex lives is extremely important.

quote:

I think it could really benefit women (and men) who are getting or have a j-pouch but are concerned about sex life.

I am a male who has had a J Pouch for 20 years and there has been no problem whatsoever with my sex life, apart from ED issues that developed when I was 43 years old (14 years post-J Pouch), which appear to be completely normal age related ED issues. ED is not usually all or nothing, there is a large grey area in between, and fortunately in my case it's been nothing major and easily correctable.

Because I am single I probably have a bit more experience in terms of different partners than most men my age, but I have not had any problems at all in the performance impacting my J Pouch. One thing I have not done is had sex with a female J Poucher, although it is not necessarily something that is on my sexual bucket list. I would say there are a few things ahead of that, but I would find it interesting to discuss with them on this.

About 6-7 years ago I did have a very sharp abdominal pain after lifting up a 120 pound partner and placing her on a bed. This was suspected to be a hernia but I went for an ultrasound and no serious problem was detected. I probably just stretched the muscle a bit, as it was sore for a while.

The bottom line is that for males, apart from surgically related ED issues, which some small % of men experience, there should be zero problem with sex due to the J Pouch itself.

I think that everyone is different. I've heard that in the beginning things can be a bit sore, tender, or painful as the body is healing and settling, so it is important to go slow at first and be gentle... You know, test the waters carefully to see what you can handle when. It can take up to a year for everything to settle and become as "normal" as they're going to get. After that, though, and with a little experimentation, I'd hope that things could pretty much return to the way they were with a pretty vigorous sex life. At least I hope so since I am a very sexually active gal. There may be some positions that are a bit less comfortable than before (like ones that tend to pound right on the pouch) but again, everyone is different so it's all about experimentation. The only thing that is pretty much totally OFF the menu after J-pouch surgery is anal sex, which I am very sad to see go.

Also if it hurts as your gyno for estrace cream. I couldn't even get an applicator for a yeast infection cream in me. My walls just didn't release anymore so they were in a constant spasm. No way I could have sex. The hormone cream made a significant difference. I personally don't always empty my pouch since **** happens!

thanks everyone! also appreciate the male perspective, DJB. I'm starting to date a bit again...no one special yet. Let's see where this goes! Might turn kinda 50-shades-of-greyish woot!

will post more as things develop.

Absolutely

I became sexually active about a year after j pouch creation. All has always been well! As stated above, about the only thing off limits is the backdoor.

I even tend to have issues with some incontinence due to damaged sphincter muscles post-fistula surgery, but even that doesn't impeed anything. I always empty beforehand (or quickly excuse yourself in between intimate moments if a long session), and due to my incontinence issues, tuck a part of a cotton ball up in there to catch any leaks, and away we go Been with hubby for 20 years and have 2 kids now, so the multiple times a day, hours at a time sessions are fewer and further between, but back in the day, I think we set some records, and even today, we enjoy an active, "better than average" sex life, pretty much without incident.

Enjoy your good health, try not to be self conscious of your scars (they care a lot more about other parts during intimacy than the marks on your belly), empty beforehand, and have fun! Learn your own body, so you'll know how things like excess alcohol or raw veggies might impact you, avoid accordingly, and have a great time!

Agreed, not eating beforehand is best, and for longer sessions you will have to take a break. Certain positions seem to cause gas in the pouch to make embarrassing gurgling noises for me, and while it's your life/body and you can do what you want, my surgeons suggested to me "no anal sex from now on" and I was frankly happy to have a convenient excuse that takes that out of the picture entirely.

I find that our tendency to get dehydrated quicker than normal people can be an issue with intense sessions or during hot weather. I get very dehydrated pretty quickly during a long, passionate session or when it's summer and very hot/sweaty sex, so keep water by the bed.

Other than that, off you go.

thanks... my doctor told me last week to start enjoying myself (minus the anal of course... which I've never tried, so don't know what I'm missing out on.... but I digress...)

Ooh... I went on a date with someone and can you believe he has ulcerative colitis too??? I was shocked and told him about my surgery on date #1. We seemed to have so much in common and I REALLY WANTED TO JUMP HIS BONES We kept talking and talking.... and then.... well, no date #2. He seems pretty shy so I might have to chase after him (not really my style though haha).

I wonder if I shared too much of myself on date #1???? Hope I didn't scare him away?

Buttttt.... I'm wondering if I'm just feeling particularly close to him because we share a digestive disease?? I didn't have to explain anything, he GETS IT. I wasn't scared or embarrassed or nervous about it with HIM. Maybe that's not a good reason to date someone, because we're probably both trying to get AWAY from those reminders...

But I still wanna jump him!
*sigh* Back to Mr. Vibrator for now

j-pouch : 5 months

FQ,
Congratulation for having the courage to go out on a date...sounds like you had fun and that is a really good start. As for the rest...up to you! Keep on dating!
Sharon

quote:

I'm wondering if I'm just feeling particularly close to him because we share a digestive disease??

Valid concern. Back in the 1990s I had a relationship with a woman who had UC. I met her at a CCFA support group meeting. We then worked on two CCFA fundraisers together. There was a mutual breakup because we both realized that the only real common thread we had with each other was IBD, and that it was not the most healthy basis for a relationship. There was a mutual physical attraction but that and IBD together really only warrant a few one night stands at most.

See if you can have a date with this guy during which the subject of your respective illnesses either does not come up at all, or else forms the basis for less than 5% of your conversation and time together. If such a date cannot happen, I am skeptical about this relationship based on my own experience. Because then it is not really a true relationship, but a friendship based on IBD.

FQ-
Thanks for sharing; I was very entertained by your date story. No need to worry about all that after only one date - if it progresses to two or three dates then you will figure it out as you spend more time with him. Keep us posted on whether or not you "snag" him.

I myself have started becoming a little frustrated since my sex drive is *finally back* after so long of being AWOL from UC & drugs, but I can't have sex yet. Arg! The awful irony! I'm very happy to see my libido again, but RIGHT when I would normally be approved for such activity is when my second surgery is scheduled, so... harumph. Doomed to continue flying "solo" for another two or three months. I wonder if I could find someone to throw me a one-nighter right before surgery, LOL.

Keep the updates coming so I can at least live vicariously!

I think part of the reason from my failed marriage is due to the constant illness and flare ups that continued for long periods of time. Who knows?

I know I always felt dirty no matter what I did to clean myself up. When I had the bag for 6 months, there was no intamacy at all. Seeing the stoma protrude from my body is not the most glamerous thing and is definately a turn off.

At least we agree that there is no love in this marriage and probably never was for many, many years.

As it is, I now live a celebant life since the summer of 2006. I don't miss it from my wife at all because of all the pain she caused me, however, being a man, I do miss it. I'm only 57 yrs old and just because I have snow on my head (partially grey hair), if I meet someone after I divorce, I think there is still plenty of fire in the furnace.

R

Okay, one and a half weeks 'till takedown, I have a date tomorrow, and I'm on a mission. Will let y'all know how it goes. ;-)

Good luck and enjoy....and dish afterwards!
Sharon

Sex was definately the last thing I felt like for months and it was just way to painful until about 5 months after my first surgery which was 2 months after takedown. Still is uncomfortable in certain positions, but have had no leakage issues. Great you are feeling like it already, just take it easy and good luck!!!

Mission accomplished, and the verdict is... All systems go! LOL

(I provide the following personal info ONLY because from what I've heard details like position, etc. can play a role in this topic/question, and some readers might be wondering about how that factored into my situation.)

Two times in the missionary position, and everything felt/functioned exactly as before, nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, it was even better than before because the recently returned sex drive (due to my returned health because of the surgery) and "pent up energy" so to speak caused my body to be even more responsive/sensitive than usual.

We have plans to meet again before my takedown in ten days.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I'm an open book.

.

Congratulations! So nice to hear good and positive news from newbies....may you always have joy and pleasure...
Sharon

hello everyone, i have been missing in action! (literally and figuratively) meaning i haven't gotten any action!

bootstrap, i am so happy to hear it and thank you for sharing your story! I heard that missionary actually is uncomfortable because of less "rectal support", so it is good that position still works for you. did you try any other positions lately?

i need a wing woman like you to go out with

maybe i am being overly picky with my sexual partners. i have gone out on a few dates, but either there is no spark (on my side or their side), or they are OVERLY creepy, like in a gross way. i mean i would be willing and all, but i prefer if I know the guy has no STD's, know what i mean? i think i have had enough of disease, hospitals and meds in 10+ lifetimes! (as we all have!). so yeah, i get kinda paranoid about std's. But then it's not really romantic to go ask them to get a test, unless i am going to be in a relationship. Friends with benefits is tempting, but i end up falling for the guy sometimes.

So I continue to wait for someone I can feel more comfortable with. More comfortable showing my naked body and scars and stuff. i don't know why i need to be so self conscious. i mean (some) guys don't care about that anyway, i suppose....

anyway, progress is slower than i'd like, but something will unfold (undress?) soon, i'm hoping. i need to reward my body with pleasure after all the pain it has been through!

and then i can also post some updates and share in the fun

happy days ahead!

Yes, fq, I'm sure you and I could get into some "trouble" together.

Oh, and BTW, no such thing as being too picky with sexual partners. I am pretty picky myself.

And you're right - most guys don't really care at all about scars and stuff... or even the ostomy bag I was wearing. He knew about it, but it didn't even come up. The whole date was surprisingly normal.

Good luck... I'm sure it will happen when it's the right time for you!

Hey Girls, How embarassing, but here goes....just wondered if any of you get pain when your partner pushes in deep? It hurts so much I nearly jump out of bed. My first op was in May.
Thanks
Red faced Caroline!!




The J-Pouch Group J-Pouch Community Forums J-Pouch Forums Women's Health & Pregnancy Wild sex life possible?[/quote]

I don't, but you may want to try other positions that are not quite as "pounding." I know early on in my recovery, I was most comfortable with me on top or side-laying rear entry positions.

Jan

Would be interesting to know what causes the pain.....way too embarassed to ask my surgeon.

Probably just adhesions. With time they may relax and stretch.

Jan

Could be something else too...there was a time when I was 'fine' and then suddenly penetration caused sever pain whenever he 'touched' a certain spot....went to see my very nice Gyn of the time and he did an ultrasound...I had ovarian cysts (treated with progesterone)...a few years later the pain came back and it turned out to be salpangitis (had to deal with that surgically)...I generally differentiate pain now...mild: I work around it or through it, Medium: I watch and avoid causing it, Sudden and Severe: I call to get my doctor to take a peak...
Sharon

Oh yeah, those ovarian cysts are the worst!!

Jan

hi everyone. I was talking to a new guy from the internet over email/chat for about 3 weeks. he is very good looking, intellectual, and charming, ex-Marine. we texted and IM'ed every day. He came across a bit narcisstic - boasted a lot about his accomplishments, seemed to have a few "iffy" business ventures, and sometimes spoke about others with disdain. But but wow he's hot, so i overlooked some of this. plus I thought he was quite interesting and we talked about topics from politics, philosophy, ambitions. beyond the usual music/food topics. he was intellectually stimulating to me

we finally met in person. when i saw him, he looked a bit older than his pictures, but still VERY hot to me. we had dinner together and our online chemistry and great conversation seemed to translate well in person. A few red flags about some of the questionable businesses he dabbled in, and my suspicion that he may have a drinking problem (he didn't drink on the date). But it was too late. I was smitten.

there were a few parts during dinner where he was giving me "the look", bedroom eyes. Basically eye-f**king. when i looked at him, the butterflies were too intense, my heart would skip beats, i became aroused. the room became very hot and blurry and i could only feel the intense passion, and visualize the acts of lust between us. I imagine he was doing the same. i had to look away. When I looked back, he was still staring with bedroom eyes. I fumbled myself back into a conversation to break his inviting glances. this happened a few times throughout dinner. Was it love, I wondered? No, probably just lust.

the bill came and he did not offer to pay for the entire meal, and i just put my share down. That was a bit puzzling to me as he was the one who wanted to do dinner (I had suggested coffee for our first meeting); he always had bragged about his business ventures so I assumed he could afford $20 more to impress a girl (unless he was exaggerating his accomplishments); I had driven to his town (45 min drive); and when a guy doesn't pay I assume he may not be that into me. But I didn't want to read too much into it. Plus, he wanted to go down the street to another restaurant for dessert. So I thought he is still interested if he wanted to prolong the date. we shared dessert and continued to talk and enjoy the conversation and company. Although he had seduced me with his eyes during dinner, he never laid a hand on me.

he paid for the dessert, which was a nice gesture. there was no creepy eye contact during dessert. Just conversation and getting to know each other more. We walked back to the parking lot, and i gave him a quick hug goodbye and said "it was nice meeting you". I was a bit disappointed he did not try to make me stay a little longer or kiss me, but I figured we could do that on date #2. My quick goodbye could have also deterred him from lingering. In retrospect, I should have hugged him longer or given him a kiss on the cheek to give him a stronger signal that I liked him. I was a bit shy and really liked him in a relationship-way (not just one-nighter), so I thought to hold off on sex until the next few dates. Plus, I assumed (maybe wrongly so) that as a man, if he is really interested in me, we would see each other again and he would contact me.

what happened next came as a surprise to me. 3 days go by and i hadn't heard a word from him. i was used to texting him/IM'ing with him every day, so i was disappointed and missed him. We were both online. finally on day 3, i decided to IM him "hi, how are you". He responded right away, said he had been busy with work (hmm...). He proceeded to tell me about yet another business venture he was starting. Then finally asked how I have been. We chatted for about 15 minutes, then he just said "good night", and again I didn't hear anything after that.

I didn't reach out to him again because I don't want to pursue or look desperate. I might just text him "happy holidays", and if i don't hear back, i guess that's that. I was really hoping this could be a guy I could go out with for a while.

i am wondering if he stopped contacting me altogether because i did not react to his luring stares, or throw myself at him (which, he is probably used to women doing).

I wonder if I was not so self-conscious about my scars and surgeries that I could be more free with my body and not so shy. And then maybe keep a guy's interest longer.

I've never had a one-night stand before though, so maybe that is just my personality. It makes me sad that i have developed inhibitions because of my disease and surgeries, and that I feel like I need to trust someone and have more of an emotional connection before i take off my clothes and show them my naked body, scars and all. Why can't amazing chemistry and sexual attraction be enough??? It makes me even more mad at my disease and what it has done to me psychologically. But I definitely wanted to and would have had sex with him had we continued seeing each other.

Even if a guy is a player, why wouldn't he continue to go on a few more dates anyway, just because sex is not happening on date # 1? Why not go out 2-3 more times, if sex will happen soon enough? i wonder if there is a way to capture his interest again, or if it is a lost cause?
is this guy a jerk or player and not worth more of my time? Maybe he was so arrogant he thought I would not be able to resist him and was annoyed when I didn't cave? Why would he have spent 3 weeks emailing and chatting with me so attentively (never once mentioning sex), if he only wanted a one-night stand? Or is that what players do?

hoping someone with more expertise can chime in.

All us armchair therapists can give all sorts of advice... So here it is. If you had red flags AND lust, the lust was trying to muddle your brain. Let him loose. Anyone who has a woman drive round trip 1.5 hours and doesn't pay for dinner is a user. That's over 100 miles, right? That's the price of dinner in gasoline. He's an ass and absolutely does not deserve you.

And there's the narcissism, the bragging, the lying... (well, he sounds like a liar in my play book.)

Find someone worthy of you.

kathy

I truely love you Kathy! Perfect answer.
Sharon

I have never been out on a date with a woman where I failed to pick up the tab (even on "blind" dates with women I was not attracted to), and to me that is the biggest red flag of all and tells me that this guy is NOT a "player", or worth a second more of your time.

To be honest, based on everything you said in your post, either (1) he is not interested and is using his shaky business venture as a polite means to blow you off, or (2) he is a scammer and wants you to invest in said shaky business venture. Either way, this dude is not worth a second more of your time. And he most certainly is not a player, he is a wannabe.

Thank you kind Sharon.

kathy

As a male I don't pretend to understand the female phsyce but Kathy's answer seemed right on to me.

Lew

Red flags on a first date means run! You deserve better !

you most definitely can have a great sex life post pouch!!! I was lucky to find the man of my dreams, get married, have two amazing children and then have surgery after suffering pretty severe UC for 5 years. Our sex life was good but for about 6 months before I had surgery it was pretty rare because I was sick all the time. We had a 3 year old and a 14 month old when I had surgery and I had a really rough time. I spent 2 months in the hospital because of perforations, being septic and many other complications. I had a drain tube in for 9 months so we basically did not have sex for almost a year. God bless my husband he was a trooper! It was slow going but we got our groove back and our sex life is better that it ever has been!!! Good luck, read 50 Shades of Grey and enjoy sex! You have to have confidence in your self! I never have to worry about my bowels during sex but everyone is different so you have to find what works for you and run with it! Good luck!

I also had good sex a few times after takedown, but the last time, I was suddenly bleeding. Still haven't figured out, what that was.

But I am very, very worried about finding the love of my life, because I can't help thinking who will ever tolerate the sideeffects I do have.

For example I have my first time of pouchitis right now, which for me means, that I wake up every hour of the night, but once in a while, I wake up to late... And though I use pads, it's a mess.

It makes me sad and depressed, and worried about my future with other than ocasional lovers. So please, people, feed me with your positive experiences. I need your thoughst about this. I'm 37 and single.

quote:

But I am very, very worried about finding the love of my life, because I can't help thinking who will ever tolerate the sideeffects I do have.

First, I think you should correspond with skn69 who has a husband that loves her and accepts her so called "side effects", and she recently posted about this.

Second, although I personally do not utilize internet dating websites, I know a lot of people who are older than you are that have successfully found spouses this way, including one of my co-workers whose 3rd marriage seems to be the best of them all. While there seems to be a strong difference of opinion among the members of this board as to how, when and what about IBD/IBD side effects should be discussed with new or prospective dating partners, you can probably figure this out.

That being said, although my parents' best friend and neighbor is a Danish-American woman and she has told me stories of her native Denmark, I have never been there and do not know what exists there for single persons like yourself.

I hope that you find what you are looking for and I don't think it is as worrisome as you think.

Hi Lovelife,
Well, love is deaf, dumb and blind and hopefully has no sense of smell either but a great sense of humour! I have found that I have had more success in love, since I got my k pouch at age 19 (I am 52 now) than most of my healthy girlfriends have had with no incontinence, no sphincter control issues, no scars, no pouches and no pouchitis....It is definetly not because I am prettier, skinnier or sexier but because ( I think) I am generally a happy, positive person who is always smiling and does not allow the 'little bumps in my life' to get me down.
I had my first serious post pouch relationship with a great guy 2 months post op with a slipped K pouch valve and permanent, full blown leakage (I wore a diaper over my abdomen, permanently until the valve was fixed)...the only thing that bugged him was the pain that I was in...3 months after we split up for non-pouch related reasons I met my 1st husband. Had 2 pouch surgeries with him.
After my divorce I moved here to Paris and lived a real life (with occasional pouch problems) and dated as much if not more than most girlfriends (and I am VERY picky when it comes to men...I do not settle for just any guy) at 28 I met my present hubby but wasn't ready to settle down so I let him go for 10 yrs...during which time I dated a lot..and then got together and married when I was 44...I have had 19 pouch related surgeries since we have been together...I am not saying that it is easy...nor that the men in our lives don't suffer from us hurting and being ill but the truth is, they do no really care about most of the rest of the stuff...when they like us/love us they just can't stand to see us hurting.
As for the sex? Good. Very Good. A quick shower beforehand to feel fresh (a bidet is good too for j pouchers) and you should not worry about the rest.
Guys care about sexy, smart and funny. They care about clean and nice. They do not give a heck about scars, leaks and gas (they usually laugh at it, it makes them feel better that we poop and fart too)...
So do not worry abut the lovelife...worry about feeling well, being happy and enjoying your life...The rest will come in time.
Sharon

yippee-skippy, i finally met a nice man! a few weeks ago, i decided i wanted to try having sex with him. omg it hurt so bad, i was in tears and so much pain. he was in missionary and wore a condom. i also tried being on top so I could have more control of the pace of the sex, and how deep he could go. but it still hurt a lot, no matter the position. we had to take several breaks and eventually i just got tired and he finished himself with his hand (lol....TMI?).

anyway, i just had my scars revised so now I am on restricted activity (just when the fun was beginning)...

But I am concerned because:

1. I did not enjoy the sex. It was painful and I experienced ZERO pleasure. I can reach orgasm with a vibrator, but did not during sex.
2. I think I may have been nervous because it was my first time in a looonggg (embarassingly long) time plus I don't know if the j-pouch makes it hurt more?
3. we used a lot of lube, but still it hurt and i did not feel very ready or excited, I don't know why??

I guess i will need to keep trying, but i don't see what all the fuss about sex is for? It was rather....disappointing.

maybe I'm doing something wrong? Any tips to make this better? We probably have tried having sex 5 times total. He is 15 years older than me and i think he has a bit of experience, so i'm thinking it's me? Or my anatomy?

I'm really not experienced much in this area and I don't know what to do. I want to please him and also have fun, but it doesn't seem to be "clicking". he knows about my past and surgeries and is being pretty patient so far.

anyway, i'm happy to know i at least found a nice guy from all the crazy dating, and got pretty far with him... that's a huge milestone for me

oh yeah and it is true that the right guy will not care about that stuff, which I NEVER EVER EVER NEVER believed when other people told me. he just likes to be with me. i guess it doesn't hurt that i'm 15 years younger....lol.