wife no longer wants to have sex...

That's horrible I understand your feelings of betrayal here. This is a very huge issue for any marriage. Now I wonder if you ever tried Viagra or over the counter erectile disfunction aids such as yohimbe extract, avena sativa, L-arginine, saw palmetto, tibulus terrestris, ginseng?

i would consider taking viagra if insurance still covered it but considering its roughly $25 a pill, not a chance.
anything over the counter i dont touch and i dont trust. ive already been blessed with a permanent case of pvc's related to my ibd that limits certain medications that are actually tested by some governing body. no way im gonna risk further problems to my health to something like yohimbine...
i'm more interested in the psychological aspect of what to do in this situation.

quote:

i would consider taking viagra if insurance still covered it but considering its roughly $25 a pill, not a chance.

Jeez! I can't freaking blame you for not touching it or anything else for that matter. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully somebody here can help you since I honestly don't know what to tell you now. I'm just sorry they ever talked you into a J Pouch to begin with

Viagra is about $25 a pill, but if it is any consolation, you get a 15% discount if you are a AAA member. So if you get 4 pills for $100 that would be $15 off or $85. Granted, it's a meager savings, but better than nothing.

I think it would be very good for you to talk with a therapist about this. I think you need to embrace the fact that your wife didn't actually push you into this. She might have strongly suggested that you have the surgery because your health was horrid, but unless she drugged you and dragged you unconscious into the operating room without your knowledge, you actually chose to have the surgery. No one can make you do want you really don't want to do.

If you have ED and can only perform 4 times per year, it seems like your sex life was nearly non-existant already. It seems like you want to blame your wife for a number of things that really aren't her fault. Yes, she may not want to have sex any longer and that is definitely her choice. But it seems to me that you're harboring some resentment and anger toward her that may not be completely justified. Therapy could help with this. You should see if you can find a therapist who is familiar with chronic illness.

You need to decide whether your marriage is worth working on. If it's not, and you have too much resentment toward your wife, it may be time to move on.

From the female perspective, I find it interesting that all comments so far are purely about having sex and not about underlying causes or cures. Sex is only part of a healthy and loving relationship.

kathy

for the record...
i had never experianced ED of any form in my entire life until takedown surgery.
i wasnt that sick, medication wasnt working very well but i was exceptioanlly functional.
this was brought to my attention by my doctor in regard to the medications not working very well and continuously brought up by my wife as the magic pill that will make me "all better" and my doctor sold it right to the end as such.
anyone can claim im displacing or whatever but the fact is you arent given an option to just take steroids until you die, they wont let you. yes, i was told that...
spare me the quit blaming your wife speech!
no one is blaming her but we are all responsible for the things we say and do. you either have a thought as to how better deal with it or you dont.
therapy...thanks?

kathy, thank you for presenting me a wonderful opportunity to clarify...

im mostly interested in what a man would do, at this point i dont need a females perspective, no offense.

married 12 years and overall get along quite well. this is an issue FOR ME whether its an issue for her or not.

I had ED issues right after my takedown, my surgeon said it was due to having to shove all the nerve bundles out of the way to do the jPouch. I was able to get a prescription for Viagra at the time. I think if you ask your doctor, since the ED was caused by a surgery, you may be able to get it covered by insurance.

That doesn't change the fact that your wife has said that to you. As a man (or a woman for that matter, if the man-junk isn't in play) there's lots of things you two can still do to be intimate with each other.

In all honesty, it sounds like she may just be using the ED/surgery as an excuse. I mean if you CAN get it up every once in a while and she still doesn't want sex, that's not an ED problem: that's a marriage problem.

My ED issues lasted about a year, then slowly got better. Now Ye Ole Member is back to it's pre-surgery self.

This was one of the things I was most scared of after surgery. After my 2nd (out of 3) surgeries I thought I was impotent. I didn't have any activity for about 2 and a half weeks and I mean nothing. No morning wood, no sexual thoughts. It was scary because I am only 31 and I'm thinking my sex life is over. Luckily, things slowly turned back to normal with no drugs or viagra type pills. How long has it been since your surgery? I wouldn't throw in the towel yeat because it may just take some practice and theirs nothing wrong with practicing alone if you know what I mean. I try to get a lot of "practice" and believe that has helped. My wife was also very understanding and patient with me so that helps a lot. Sorry you're going through this, I know the feeling and it sucks. Have you thought about going to the doctor? This is a very common problem, even for guys that didn't go through crazy surgeries like us.

quote:

In all honesty, it sounds like she may just be using the ED/surgery as an excuse.

I was thinking the same thing, but one thing I should note is that if there is nerve damage, viagra, cialis and levitra is not necessarily going to help with that. Those drugs help/assist blood flow in the penis and if the erectile function is being impacted by nerve damage they will not help cure that although they could still help, since you say you do not have complete ED.

When I first experienced partial ED, which was many years after my surgery at the age of 43, and discussed it with my doctor, he compared erectile functionality to a car engine. He said a lot of different parts of your body interact to produce a smooth, "long acting" erection just like a lot of different auto parts have to operate in concert for your car engine to run smoothly. As we men age, just like when a car ages, things slowly start to break down. So the erection that once could be maintained for 30 minutes of sex in your 30s, now suddenly goes soft after 15 minutes, even though you are still having sex with the same partner and she is just as attractive to you as ever.

My point is that nerve damage could be one component. Age and weight gain could be other components. Not being in great cardiovascular shape could be yet another component. So if you can fix one of the others maybe you can compensate for the nerve damage issue. Or maybe not. I guess it depends on the scope of the damage. From what you are saying it is not complete ED so I am thinking you have a shot at improvement by "tuning" the other parts of that engine.

Regardless, I still think therapy would help no matter what the situation is.

kathy

And if you are seeking men-only advice you may want to post in the men's discussion thread, not that it will inhibit women from responding, but you will see less women in that forum.

Sue

thanks for the thoughts and perspective.
im 37 and my surgery was 2.5 years ago.
ive spoken to my doctor who told me i should speak to my surgeon, spoke to my surgeon. his response was to inform that if it worked during the loop, which it did then its psychological.
i think there may be something to the excuse part, not sure what it could be though, she has put on a lot of weight but ive never even given her a strange look in regards to it. its not like i find unattractive...
i have spoken to the insurance company in thsi regard and they stand firm in its cost.
i have spoken to my uncle who is a counselor and he told me to take it one day at a time and box the clown to my hearts content, let her worry about it. after all i didnt do anything wrong and dont have anyting to apologize for, you cant control other people.

my intent wasnt to excluse women but if the commentary was going to imply im just shifting blame cause im angry about my disease and im a man...not interested.

i think my uncle nailed it and i believe there is somehting to the excuse theory, thank you.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want a womans perspective in this situation. If I were experiencing this, I certainly would welcome a male perspective. Just my 2 cents. If all else fails, Scott Randall gave you the longest list I've ever seen in terms of drugs for ED. He must be somewhat of an expert.

Good luck with this.

From a strictly medical point of view, if everything was working before your take-down, it should not be surgery related. That is because the potential for trauma or damage to the nerves of sexual function occur during the construction of the j-pouch, when the rectum is dissected. The take-down is pretty superficial, and does not involve that area.

There could be psychological issues going on, as you probably have multiple stresses in your life. Plus, it is not common for ED to begin before age 40, so there definitely could be physical reasons too. Since you have talked to your primary doctor and your surgeon about it, I would think a referral to a urologist is in order. I think it is too early to assume there is no treatment.

Jan

Best thing to do to address any possible psychological causation of ED is regular exercise and make sure you are eating a proper diet.

I am tending to think, based on everything you have posted, that there are deeper issues in your relationship with your wife than just sex, and that may be causing stress and, resultantly, ED.

As Jan noted it is unusual for ED to rear its ugly head before age 40 and most men I have spoken to had it happen for the 1st time in their mid 40s. My 1st episode was at age 43, shortly after I turned 43.

I would second the recommendation to see a urologist, have your weight and blood pressure checked, etc. If the urologist believes your issues are psychological or stress related, you need to remove the cause of the stress or pick up the exercise level which will really help you deal with it better.

5459, Does your wife have any health issues herself? Maybe she just doesn't feel like having sex at all, and it has nothing to do with you. Just a thought from a womans point of view.
How was she during the time before your surgery, during your illness? Was she there for you? It sounds like you haven't been communicating very well or you wouldn't be so shocked by what she told you. I'm sorry you are hurting and it doesn't sound like you believe counseling can help but isn't it worth a try.
Good luck to you!

i have no weight issues and my blood pressure is also normal, i have no health issues outside of the pvc's which are not a problem unless i consume stimulants or way over exert. i eat as well i can without putting myself through hell digestively and i take all the suggested vitamins.
i often get comments from people about how fit i look for someone who lost their colon to disease. my wife also has no health issues other than being recently over weight but overall her bp is good.
she is a very type a personality who is not overly communicative in reagards to her feelings. she knows this and feels as though it is her personality type and she shouldnt have to be someone she isnt...i agree. she has been very supportive through the entire process but lately im not sure its the same. lately i sense some guilt on her part for pushing me into the surgery.
i dont think the issue is related to anything but sex and fair or unfair sex is what makes a couple, imo.
good sex life, all things being equal means happy marriage, i firmly believe this from what ive seen through my family. i dont think you can replace sex in a marriage with cuddling. what is a man and a woman who share time but dont have sex...just friends. yes, there comes that time when sex is on the back burner but thats usually after years of a healthy sex life.

i have noticed the few times when it works like a champ all involve late late at night when my pouch is completely empty. i personally dont believe this is psychological in spite of what anyone says. i know my unit and it literally hasnt worked the same since literally my takedown surgery. ive yet to understand how any doctor can claim that having stuff in an area that used to be your rectum deosnt interfere with sexual performance, in my case i know it does. that said, even when it has worked it is smaller than it was as well, by almost an inch.

i spoke to my mother and father...no one on either side of my family has had any history of erectile dysfunction or ibd. my grand dads on both sides did it until the months of their death. in fact my dad is 63 and it still works like a machine...gross.

at this point im not sure it matters much...
i dont see myself making much of an effort to only get told its not worth her time because i cant perform the way i used to

I certainly would not presume to try to tell you what the basis of your marriage is. I can only express what mine is based upon. I've been married for 36 years to the same man, and I think no less of him because he has diabetes and erectile dysfunction, although he is still functional. Still, it does not appear to be as severe as yours. My point is that I would not dream of telling him I was not interested in his advances, no matter how seldom it was, or if he was successful. I would love him just the same.

That leads me to the conclusion that perhaps there is more going on here than just this one issue. Unfortunately, chronic illness can take its toll on relationships. I hope you can work things out with her.

Have you seen a urologist about this? It would seem to be the only way to get to the bottom of this issue.

Jan