wife no longer wants to have sex...

That's horrible I understand your feelings of betrayal here. This is a very huge issue for any marriage. Now I wonder if you ever tried Viagra or over the counter erectile disfunction aids such as yohimbe extract, avena sativa, L-arginine, saw palmetto, tibulus terrestris, ginseng?

i would consider taking viagra if insurance still covered it but considering its roughly $25 a pill, not a chance.
anything over the counter i dont touch and i dont trust. ive already been blessed with a permanent case of pvc's related to my ibd that limits certain medications that are actually tested by some governing body. no way im gonna risk further problems to my health to something like yohimbine...
i'm more interested in the psychological aspect of what to do in this situation.

quote:

i would consider taking viagra if insurance still covered it but considering its roughly $25 a pill, not a chance.

Jeez! I can't freaking blame you for not touching it or anything else for that matter. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully somebody here can help you since I honestly don't know what to tell you now. I'm just sorry they ever talked you into a J Pouch to begin with

Viagra is about $25 a pill, but if it is any consolation, you get a 15% discount if you are a AAA member. So if you get 4 pills for $100 that would be $15 off or $85. Granted, it's a meager savings, but better than nothing.

I think it would be very good for you to talk with a therapist about this. I think you need to embrace the fact that your wife didn't actually push you into this. She might have strongly suggested that you have the surgery because your health was horrid, but unless she drugged you and dragged you unconscious into the operating room without your knowledge, you actually chose to have the surgery. No one can make you do want you really don't want to do.

If you have ED and can only perform 4 times per year, it seems like your sex life was nearly non-existant already. It seems like you want to blame your wife for a number of things that really aren't her fault. Yes, she may not want to have sex any longer and that is definitely her choice. But it seems to me that you're harboring some resentment and anger toward her that may not be completely justified. Therapy could help with this. You should see if you can find a therapist who is familiar with chronic illness.

You need to decide whether your marriage is worth working on. If it's not, and you have too much resentment toward your wife, it may be time to move on.

From the female perspective, I find it interesting that all comments so far are purely about having sex and not about underlying causes or cures. Sex is only part of a healthy and loving relationship.

kathy

for the record...
i had never experianced ED of any form in my entire life until takedown surgery.
i wasnt that sick, medication wasnt working very well but i was exceptioanlly functional.
this was brought to my attention by my doctor in regard to the medications not working very well and continuously brought up by my wife as the magic pill that will make me "all better" and my doctor sold it right to the end as such.
anyone can claim im displacing or whatever but the fact is you arent given an option to just take steroids until you die, they wont let you. yes, i was told that...
spare me the quit blaming your wife speech!
no one is blaming her but we are all responsible for the things we say and do. you either have a thought as to how better deal with it or you dont.
therapy...thanks?

kathy, thank you for presenting me a wonderful opportunity to clarify...

im mostly interested in what a man would do, at this point i dont need a females perspective, no offense.

married 12 years and overall get along quite well. this is an issue FOR ME whether its an issue for her or not.

I had ED issues right after my takedown, my surgeon said it was due to having to shove all the nerve bundles out of the way to do the jPouch. I was able to get a prescription for Viagra at the time. I think if you ask your doctor, since the ED was caused by a surgery, you may be able to get it covered by insurance.

That doesn't change the fact that your wife has said that to you. As a man (or a woman for that matter, if the man-junk isn't in play) there's lots of things you two can still do to be intimate with each other.

In all honesty, it sounds like she may just be using the ED/surgery as an excuse. I mean if you CAN get it up every once in a while and she still doesn't want sex, that's not an ED problem: that's a marriage problem.

My ED issues lasted about a year, then slowly got better. Now Ye Ole Member is back to it's pre-surgery self.

This was one of the things I was most scared of after surgery. After my 2nd (out of 3) surgeries I thought I was impotent. I didn't have any activity for about 2 and a half weeks and I mean nothing. No morning wood, no sexual thoughts. It was scary because I am only 31 and I'm thinking my sex life is over. Luckily, things slowly turned back to normal with no drugs or viagra type pills. How long has it been since your surgery? I wouldn't throw in the towel yeat because it may just take some practice and theirs nothing wrong with practicing alone if you know what I mean. I try to get a lot of "practice" and believe that has helped. My wife was also very understanding and patient with me so that helps a lot. Sorry you're going through this, I know the feeling and it sucks. Have you thought about going to the doctor? This is a very common problem, even for guys that didn't go through crazy surgeries like us.

quote:

In all honesty, it sounds like she may just be using the ED/surgery as an excuse.

I was thinking the same thing, but one thing I should note is that if there is nerve damage, viagra, cialis and levitra is not necessarily going to help with that. Those drugs help/assist blood flow in the penis and if the erectile function is being impacted by nerve damage they will not help cure that although they could still help, since you say you do not have complete ED.

When I first experienced partial ED, which was many years after my surgery at the age of 43, and discussed it with my doctor, he compared erectile functionality to a car engine. He said a lot of different parts of your body interact to produce a smooth, "long acting" erection just like a lot of different auto parts have to operate in concert for your car engine to run smoothly. As we men age, just like when a car ages, things slowly start to break down. So the erection that once could be maintained for 30 minutes of sex in your 30s, now suddenly goes soft after 15 minutes, even though you are still having sex with the same partner and she is just as attractive to you as ever.

My point is that nerve damage could be one component. Age and weight gain could be other components. Not being in great cardiovascular shape could be yet another component. So if you can fix one of the others maybe you can compensate for the nerve damage issue. Or maybe not. I guess it depends on the scope of the damage. From what you are saying it is not complete ED so I am thinking you have a shot at improvement by "tuning" the other parts of that engine.

Regardless, I still think therapy would help no matter what the situation is.

kathy

And if you are seeking men-only advice you may want to post in the men's discussion thread, not that it will inhibit women from responding, but you will see less women in that forum.

Sue

thanks for the thoughts and perspective.
im 37 and my surgery was 2.5 years ago.
ive spoken to my doctor who told me i should speak to my surgeon, spoke to my surgeon. his response was to inform that if it worked during the loop, which it did then its psychological.
i think there may be something to the excuse part, not sure what it could be though, she has put on a lot of weight but ive never even given her a strange look in regards to it. its not like i find unattractive...
i have spoken to the insurance company in thsi regard and they stand firm in its cost.
i have spoken to my uncle who is a counselor and he told me to take it one day at a time and box the clown to my hearts content, let her worry about it. after all i didnt do anything wrong and dont have anyting to apologize for, you cant control other people.

my intent wasnt to excluse women but if the commentary was going to imply im just shifting blame cause im angry about my disease and im a man...not interested.

i think my uncle nailed it and i believe there is somehting to the excuse theory, thank you.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want a womans perspective in this situation. If I were experiencing this, I certainly would welcome a male perspective. Just my 2 cents. If all else fails, Scott Randall gave you the longest list I've ever seen in terms of drugs for ED. He must be somewhat of an expert.

Good luck with this.

From a strictly medical point of view, if everything was working before your take-down, it should not be surgery related. That is because the potential for trauma or damage to the nerves of sexual function occur during the construction of the j-pouch, when the rectum is dissected. The take-down is pretty superficial, and does not involve that area.

There could be psychological issues going on, as you probably have multiple stresses in your life. Plus, it is not common for ED to begin before age 40, so there definitely could be physical reasons too. Since you have talked to your primary doctor and your surgeon about it, I would think a referral to a urologist is in order. I think it is too early to assume there is no treatment.

Jan

Best thing to do to address any possible psychological causation of ED is regular exercise and make sure you are eating a proper diet.

I am tending to think, based on everything you have posted, that there are deeper issues in your relationship with your wife than just sex, and that may be causing stress and, resultantly, ED.

As Jan noted it is unusual for ED to rear its ugly head before age 40 and most men I have spoken to had it happen for the 1st time in their mid 40s. My 1st episode was at age 43, shortly after I turned 43.

I would second the recommendation to see a urologist, have your weight and blood pressure checked, etc. If the urologist believes your issues are psychological or stress related, you need to remove the cause of the stress or pick up the exercise level which will really help you deal with it better.

5459, Does your wife have any health issues herself? Maybe she just doesn't feel like having sex at all, and it has nothing to do with you. Just a thought from a womans point of view.
How was she during the time before your surgery, during your illness? Was she there for you? It sounds like you haven't been communicating very well or you wouldn't be so shocked by what she told you. I'm sorry you are hurting and it doesn't sound like you believe counseling can help but isn't it worth a try.
Good luck to you!

i have no weight issues and my blood pressure is also normal, i have no health issues outside of the pvc's which are not a problem unless i consume stimulants or way over exert. i eat as well i can without putting myself through hell digestively and i take all the suggested vitamins.
i often get comments from people about how fit i look for someone who lost their colon to disease. my wife also has no health issues other than being recently over weight but overall her bp is good.
she is a very type a personality who is not overly communicative in reagards to her feelings. she knows this and feels as though it is her personality type and she shouldnt have to be someone she isnt...i agree. she has been very supportive through the entire process but lately im not sure its the same. lately i sense some guilt on her part for pushing me into the surgery.
i dont think the issue is related to anything but sex and fair or unfair sex is what makes a couple, imo.
good sex life, all things being equal means happy marriage, i firmly believe this from what ive seen through my family. i dont think you can replace sex in a marriage with cuddling. what is a man and a woman who share time but dont have sex...just friends. yes, there comes that time when sex is on the back burner but thats usually after years of a healthy sex life.

i have noticed the few times when it works like a champ all involve late late at night when my pouch is completely empty. i personally dont believe this is psychological in spite of what anyone says. i know my unit and it literally hasnt worked the same since literally my takedown surgery. ive yet to understand how any doctor can claim that having stuff in an area that used to be your rectum deosnt interfere with sexual performance, in my case i know it does. that said, even when it has worked it is smaller than it was as well, by almost an inch.

i spoke to my mother and father...no one on either side of my family has had any history of erectile dysfunction or ibd. my grand dads on both sides did it until the months of their death. in fact my dad is 63 and it still works like a machine...gross.

at this point im not sure it matters much...
i dont see myself making much of an effort to only get told its not worth her time because i cant perform the way i used to

I certainly would not presume to try to tell you what the basis of your marriage is. I can only express what mine is based upon. I've been married for 36 years to the same man, and I think no less of him because he has diabetes and erectile dysfunction, although he is still functional. Still, it does not appear to be as severe as yours. My point is that I would not dream of telling him I was not interested in his advances, no matter how seldom it was, or if he was successful. I would love him just the same.

That leads me to the conclusion that perhaps there is more going on here than just this one issue. Unfortunately, chronic illness can take its toll on relationships. I hope you can work things out with her.

Have you seen a urologist about this? It would seem to be the only way to get to the bottom of this issue.

Jan

It is interesting that the ED was after the take down. You have implied that your pouch does not function well. Have you had a scope since take down to see what it looks like? Is your general energy level good? A poorly functioning pouch can really sap ones energy. I find that my sexual function is directly related to my overall energy level

Did the wife give any rational for her decision? That is a pretty big club, so to speak, to swing at you out of the blue with no reason. Believe me there is a reason, and she needs to level with you.

Just for the hell of it you should try the Viagra type drugs, see if they work. Why? because my guess is your marriage is on shaky grounds. Often you can split the pills sometimes even a quarter of a pill will work. This greatly lessens the cost.

I have to agree with the people who think her statement is part of a larger issue of hers, but I would like to see you follow up with a urologist. Sometimes surgeons and GI's have too narrow a point of view.

Joint therapy might help her discover what that larger issue really is. After almost 30 years of marriage, I do not believe that sex is the glue to a marriage or that a marriage is a failure if there is a break in the couple's sex life. Joint therapy can help clear the air. Rekindling the romance after a bad time can make both the marriage and sex twice as enjoyable as before.

Marriage can be tough. Sometimes it takes a lot of patience and forgiveness to get through the rough times. No matter what I hope things get better for you.

i lost my testicles to a botched vasectomy and needed testosterone for years. as i became sicker with this disease i stopped taking it and at this point i fear starting it back up for a couple reasons. 1st prostate issues and second all those nerves that testosterone gets excited are all wrapped around my new pouch area and if there is one thing i dont need is more activity down there. needless to say we have been sexless for a couple years and we are more in love than ever. sure i feel bad because its my faulty body thats the cause but we cuddle and kiss and adore each other daily. im 52 and shes 41 so of course after my pouch settles i will begin the testosterone again. every single time in the past i had an erection problem it was not mechanical but psychological. you have a tremendous amount of pressure on your brain and if you dont remove/control it you will continue to struggle. take it from a true veteran in the field. when you get your head together you will blow her mind. dont let it become a vicious cycle. i dont do well cause i cant so i cant cause i dont do well. thats no way to live at any level of life. i didnt read the whole thread but do you still have morning erections? if so your body is raring to go when there is no pressure. we as humans think way way too much. we literally stand in our own way of happiness. for the next few weeks let her know that if you approach her its just to hold hands etc, not for sex. get the friendship back. again if this was covered im sorry but i wish you the best...

My reply is going to be short, blunt and to the point. Which is atypical for me, but, here goes.

From all I've read, all I've "not" read (i.e. read between the lines), it sounds to me like there is alot more going on here than meets the eye.

If it were me, I'd get counseling for ME and ME alone, then possibly with her. But it sounds to me like something's going on mentally and psychologically that needs to be addressed in addition to issues within your marriage.

Just my $0.02

quote:

sex is what makes a couple, imo

In my female opinion, what makes a couple is much more than sex. Perhaps your wife would like to know that being a couple is more than that. Perhaps this is her way of seeing if there is more to your relationship.

From the female perspective and from the perspective from most males that I've discussed this with, sex isn't what makes a partnership.

Again, I think you could greatly benefit from therapy to help you come to grips with the ED, your wife's comment, and to help your relationship.

kathy

My pouch it's highly functional, never an issue in any regard, regular check ups.
At this point i'm gin to take it one day at a time a my counselor uncle suggests. Truth be told therapy doesn't interest me and if it did I would go to my uncle.

Morning wood is extremely rare after takedown, once a month maybe.
That also leads me to believe there is nerve damage.
My take at this point is that she isn't much of a communicator and I can't change that...what ever happens will happen and if I hit the wall I'll do my best to take the high road.
I currently have no interest in making advances to someone who isn't buying.
I can say for certain my wife would tell me that we don't need counseling and she has no issues. Yeah, I know...?

Thanks again for taking time to respond.

I guess I am sort of confused in regard to what you want in the way of support or advice. I am clear that counseling is out, and you feel there is some level of neurological damage. A number of us have suggested a urology consult to sort this out, but I haven't seen that you intend to follow up, or am I missing something? We can't fix what is broken in your marriage, but there may be treatment for ED... Just saying, no need to give up prematurely.

Jan

quote:

That also leads me to believe there is nerve damage.

As Jan mentioned earlier, this seems very unlikely if you were highly functional prior to takedown. It's the step 1 that could cause nerve damage, but you said you were A1 after step 1.

You really should see a urologist if there is a chance that this is a physical issue.

if youre not having morning erections it doesnt mean its not psychological but if you did have morning erections that would guarantee it. many of us are severely depressed after all of this and struggling to get back to a chemically balanced body with all the meds and anesthesia etc. a depressed mind/body will pull function from non essential organs to heal more essential organs so relax and give it time. i bet you come back 100 percent. look at me. no testes and no t with a j-pouch and depression and i havent seen morning erections forever but i know its all good and if not viagra is a blast you say this "sex is what makes a couple, imo" but if your relationship was great and your wife lost the ability to have sex are you really saying youre no longer a couple? if she knows this she is most certainly devastated by it as i would be and im a man...

Thank you Jan, as I was just going to say basically the same thing. 5459, you've received some amazing advice here. Please let us know how you plan to move forward.

Regarding your comment "sex makes a couple"....I think the more accurate statement would be "a great couple, who are truly connected, make for great sex".

my intent is not to disregard any advice...
i am going to get the ball rolling on the urologist visit but as i assume most of you have experianced...that is not a quick process.
i will assuredly need a referral and wait at least 6 weeks probably closer to 12 for an open appt date. i mean this is the same insurance system that made me wait 6 weeks for a colonoscopy after id lost 45 pounds, not fast.
but yes , the heart of the matter is the comment and what the comment implies and doesnt imply. i can say for certain that i would never make such a hurtful comment to her. so no, im in no hurry to resolve this from the sex aspect cause i have no intentions in making any advances until im at least over the emotional kick to the gut...
maybe we arent a great couple, maybe we just get along well, i dont know. but i know 1 person cant fix something that involves two people.
outside of this issue i have no need to see a therapist...i am as proud of myself for how ive handled this disease and its effects as i could be. and i will continue to do my best, just more independantly perhaps.

Oh OK, that makes sense. I just didn't want you to assume that if there is something physical going on, that you are stuck with it. Based on what you are saying, it seems to me that the most likely culprit is a low testosterone level. Because if it was surgical trauma, there would have been a problem after the first surgery, not just take-down. But, there easily could have been a gradual loss of testosterone production from a variety of causes. That is something easily taken care of. Even if your marriage is kaput, you probably will want to get this taken care of, for your own sense of well being. And you never know, if you feel better about yourself, your wife may see you in a different light.

Good luck to you. I hope you get the referral going sooner than six weeks...Plus, your primary doc could do some simple blood tests before the consult is scheduled for some basic screening groundwork.

Jan

Low testosterone, hadn't thought of that...thanks much :-)

it would be odd that your testosterone would drop right after the takedown but who knows. anesthesia does some strange things. how is your libido?

It is just that in a younger man, that is the more likely cause, since it is remote from the nerve damaging part of the surgery. Maybe it was related to prednisone use (long term use, then discontinuing it)? I don't know if there is a cause and effect there, but just thinking out loud. Long term prednisone use can mess with hormones and be related to low testosterone. Once you reach age 30, the levels naturally decrease anyway, and prednisone may add insult to injury, so to speak. There are other causes too. Not sure about anesthesia...

Jan

Firstly, I did not read deeply into every post so if I repeat something, please forgive and/or ignore me. Having said that...

Is it possible that she said it because of the frequency of ED versus the four times a year?

Could she be giving you an out for the more frequent bouts of ED? To, in a sense, give you an out as far as any embarrassment the ED might cause you as a man?

Did she say that she doesn't want to be married? That she no longer loves you?

Is she just no longer interested in sex and it has nothing to do with you?

Having been on the female side (and as a poucher) of occurences of ED (it seems), it's frustrating - again as a female - when your spouse is having an issue. It makes me, as the female, feel as though perhaps I am doing something that is not a turn on to him. Again, maybe she was giving you an out?

Can you, are you willing to live in a sexless marriage - even for a year - while getting everything checked out? Perhaps this could be a time to re-court her. Some wooing perhaps?

On a totally different topic, is it possible that there is something in her past that is being brought to the surface that could have brought her to this thought?

While I don't think it should all be on your shoulders, it shouldn't all be her fault either. Perhaps there is more to the story.

Again as a female, the sex part of the relationship is a bonus to a good emotional, mention, etc. relationship.

Sorry for all the questions. Just something to think about.

I'm gonna get my testosterone checked, if that's not it then I'll go the urology route.
Quite frankly I don't care what her issue is at this point, it doesn't excuse the behavior.
When someone kicks someone when they're down it's never the fault of the person being kicked.
I find it troubling that only one woman posting a response didn't attempt to turn this back at me while defending her, simply can't understand that on any level and i'm not even going to try to

Sorry you feel we are trying to blame you and don't feel supported. I can't speak for all women, but speak for myself, so I'll try to explain and hopefully you will not see it as an attack. Since I don't know your wife, or you, I really cannot comment about who is at fault, but will take your word for it and agree that it is not right or appropriate to say unkind things to someone you love, particularly when he is feeling vulnerable.

So, not to defend your wife or her type of communication, but from my own personal experience, there are always two sides to the story. Some people lash out and stay stupid things they regret when they are angry, frustrated, or whatever. It does not make it right, but it means perhaps there are unresolved issues, and maybe there is a reason she is not supportive of you. I think that is what we are trying to get at, not that we are trying to make it your problem and not hers. She could be having an affair for all we know. You said yourself that she does not communicate typically. That cannot be good, for either of you.

Having been in the "sick" role myself, I have seen how it does take its toll on the relationship. When I am feeling lousy, I am focused on myself, and sure, my family gets weary hearing about it. I get weary talking about it. It wasn't until my husband was diagnosed with UC himself about 10 years ago that he told me that he finally understood what I had dealt with most of my life. People on the outside never really "get it."

Jan

FWIW...
Jan, I felt like you were the one who didn't turn back at me and I appreciate that.
I appreciate the way you express yourself.
I think you might be on to something in regards to the "no really gets it" and perhaps she no longer understands or is beginning to lose interest in my day to day challenges.
Time will tell but if nothing else my eyes are more open to potential issues and potential solutions.
They say the husband is always the last to know, if that applies to this situation I will not be the last to know...good or bad. My eyes are open now.
Thank you

I hope things get better for you. I am sure it is not a good feeling. At least a woman can "fake it" when things are not working as expected. Although, even when I intend to fake it, somewhere along the line, he pushes the right buttons to get me interested. Good ole college try, I guess...

Anyway, my point was that we get so wrapped up in what is going on with us (and for good reason too), we tend to not really notice that the other person is having problems or is drifting away.

Jan

Jan,

I too have gone through what 5459 is going through. My wife and her family got sick of hearing from me too. They would complain all the time to my wife and she would relay it back to me.

But in the same way, they would also curse at me, treat me like trash with not an ounce of respect for my feelings. Make fun of me holding their stomach, laughing one time holding their stomach at a reception for a person who died from Cancer and so on.

I should have realized that by me be an Italian and a practicing Catholic would really be a turn off from my FIL. He even insulted my father about Italians. Again, my wife said nothing.

But that was OK with my wife.

Needless to say, my marriage has been over for many years. I have not been happy for about 20 yrs of the 25 yrs married. I stay in the relationship because of my 2 teenagers. Statistics have said that children raised without a father are more apt to get involved in drugs and alcohol and suicide.

My youngest is a freshman so I am counting the days and won't be able to leave until my daughter graduates high school.

In the meantime, I have found love for someone else although right now we are strictly friends. Her marriage has been over for some time now. Not sure she would be willing to risk our close friendship if we do get romantically involved.

Rocket

Sounds like a train wreck of a family to be married to! I never understood the humor of Don Rickles, and it sounds like you married into that clan... You must be quite patient to put up with it all. I hope your kids appreciate the sacrifices you made, and aren't upset when you leave after they are grown.

I feel I was blessed because my in-laws were always great. Sure, lots of good-natured ribbing, but never poking fun of my illness.

Jan

Thanks Jan,

I barely touched the tip of the Iceberg. My wife is a Narcissist. Curses and yells at me and my kids. She feels she is superior and so is her family. Even my own kids do not want to see my side of the family because for years, since they were small, wife would make angry comments such as: Your family is stupid, your dad is an idiot. Your brother bosses his wife around, your sister is a jerk, and so on. Of course none of this is true but that was her perception and is one my kids have too. My kids do not want to see my side of the family which hurts, especially my parents.

One time, our neighbor came over and it came up in coversation about nieces and nephews. My sister lost her only son two weeks before his 17th birthday. He had a brain tumor and had it removed at the age of 3 1/2 but they also had to remove the first 4 vertebrae of his spine making him paralyzed for the rest of his life.

A sweeter boy who never complained, who did the best he could. Anyway, my nephew came up in coversation.

My wife said that when he was about 2 1/2 (before we know he was sick, but my mom said he was in a lot of pain), we were over my parents house celebrating a B'Day and my wife and nieces and nehpews were upstairs watching TV.

Then something happen resulting in my nephew crying and the next day, my sister called me up and said that the other kids saw my wife slap her son in the face because he would not give up the TV when she asked him to.

In any event, my wife said they lied (I'm not sure but bet she did because she used to slap my son in the face, smack him in the back of the head).

Anyway, my wife shares this story with the neighbor how the family accused her and she referred to my nephew (whose been dead 4 years) as the "Little Bastard."

I'm not sure my kids appreaciate me or not, at least not yet. I think they have to be near their mother because they need her.

I hope they realize that their mom is nuts.

Rocket

Wow, I am very surprised you felt my post was a criticism of you. It was meant to be the opposite.

5459,

Well, I don't think I have anything to add. I think you have been given some good advice and are going in the right direction. And you can't change your wife, you can only hope she will decide to do that on her own. Of course, it will be a challenge to resolve this issue if she turns you away when you initiate intimacy. Then again, you never know.

I would think you have several things going on working against you:
1. (possibly) Low T - that is fairly common over 40. Also, you haven't said what meds you are on - if any. But I know there are several types of meds (narcotics, SRUIs, others) that can inhibit testosterone production. So that's a good place to start

2. Lack of confidence - due to past "failures" (which is how we guys see this), you are now cursed with thinking too much and fear of continued failure in the back of your mind. Both fear and thinking too much are never conducive for things to work right

3. If you feel that your wife pushed you into a surgery you didn't want, and that you feel has turned out poorly and reduced your Quality Of Life, that has to be broiling in you deep down whether you admit it or not. That will definitely get in the way of intimacy every time - whether you are conscious of it or not. The only way I know to deal with that is to spend some alone time and see it for what it is, see yourself for who you are (not perfect either) and forgive her. Only after forgiveness will you be able to truly initiate intimacy

Just my thoughts...

Steve

Rocket, sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like you have done well to persevere in an extremely difficult situation and are a responsible, loving father. I'm sure you are counting the days until your "parole hearing" when you are let out. Sad to say, and real change would be the best thing. But as I'm sure you have learned, people have to want to change.

Take care,

Steve

Thanks Steve,

It hasn't been easy, not by a long shot. So many times I have wanted to pack it in but don't because I have to put my children ahead of what I want.

Spiritually, I want to forgive my wife, to forgive her for also allowing her family to treat me poorly and to forgive her family. This is the biggest challange I have. Yet I know Christ wants me to forgive. I suppose if I am out of the house and no longer have to see her or even hear her voice, it would be a lot easier to forgive.

And I know to forgive is a gift you give to yourself. I ask God every day to help me to forgive, even though I know I will never hear the words "I am sorry."

So to forgive is very hard. To keep my inner feelings of the other woman who I love is difficult too. She may or may not know, or if she does know, she knows neither one of us can do anything about it at this time.

In the past, a few of my friends have told me to cheat on her because I had every reason to do so. However, I have never cheated.

I do not miss any close intamacy with my wife what-so-ever. I prefer not to have sex with her. Just not interested. However, I still get temptations so I know regardless of how many meds I am on, and even though their is snow on the roof (my head), there is still plenty of fire in my furnace.

Rocket

Sorry subzero, you absolutely didn't point the finger back at me. To your credit I didn't even realize you were a woman, no bias whatsoever. My apologies...

I wasn't meaning to point the finger at you either. Just kind of third-party thinking out loud.

I'm a woman and relate to how you feel. I've been in pain so long, down there, it affects how I feel about sex. I had my take down almost 2 years ago and have continuing problems. When we've had sex it was very painful and now when I try to get my husband to try again he finds an excuse not to. So I feel guilty and rejected. We have talked some about it and he says he doesn't want to hurt me but every once in a while he makes some kind of snide comment about the lack of sex.

He hasn't come out and said he never wants relations with me again but he might as well have.

In the mean time I had my testosterone tested, because it affects women's sex drive too. I was normal. I don't see my drive as the problem. The next thing is to ask my doctor for something else to use that may help as they say if you don't use it you loose it.

I don't see this ending our marriage as we've been married 37 years. I know I love him and he acts and says he loves me.

It hurts to feel rejected, even when they say it with "love".

Rocket,
I feel for you spending the prime years of your life stuck to your wife. I hope that your presence in the home will insure that your children do not grow up to be just like her.

She acts so superior to your family I guess she married beneath herself - or she acts like she did. It is sad that this may be rubbing off on your children. I hope you take them around your family, without her, so they see how normal people act. They might not be perfect but sound loving and supportive vs entitled and judgmental.

I am not the only child that was glad their parents got divorced because my mother is crazy. I didn't know it at the time but she is crazy. When I turned 13 I moved in with my dad and step mother and life was good from then on. I'm not saying your wife is crazy but she has problems at the least.

Take care

TE Marie,


Your right. That family always acts superior to me. I guess to the them, I am white trash. Now, I don't care what they think about me. MY FIL used to always tell me Jesus and the Gospel is full of S__t which used to really piss me off. In the past, he would say the NY Yankees and NY Giants stink or suck but that I never took personal. But then he brings in Jesus. That used to really bug me.

Anyway, he is up in years and eventually he will have to face God upon his death and what will he say then? Perhaps he will get his wished as he always told me that he would rather go to Hell then Heaven (trying to bug me) so he can have sex with Virgins.

So I have to surrender everything over to God. Let HIM take care of it and defend me.

I dread going over my In-Laws on Christmas Day. They are so boring. They will always correct my grammer yet curse, even in front of the kids.

One of them said that if "People do not have command of the Enlish Language they make themselves look like an Idiot and that is the Respect they Deserve." And the family all nodded in agreement while I sat there silently horrified that they would think this is OK.

Rocket

I didn't real all your other replies but here is what I found;

Have your testosterone level checked. I had the PROBLEM but now with a shot every two weeks (or patchrs or jells to rub on) I am mostly better and this is better for joints and the circulatory system too.

Viagra is covered by my insurance, 8 pills a month for $30 ut I have experimented with the offlabel stuff and it works very well, feels the same to me. I buy online when I need more like for a vacation.

You can always play sex games, watch porn, buy sex toys , get a girlfriend (that helps the erections problems for everyone I know!) or get a divorce and start over with someone better.

Just don't surrendarm, never surrendar!!! Never! Never!

i have since had my blood and testosterone checked...
testosterone is 493 which i was told is normal but based on the info ive read sounds low.
that said...
vitamin d very low
ferritin very low
hemoglobin very low

was told to add 1600iu d3 to my multi which has 400iu and 100% iron
told to add more red meat to my diet.
was also told that if vit d gets low enough your testosterone drops.

the vitamin d has made a huge improvement with the erections, i actually get them now.

i had an interesting argument with the wife after she approached me in a sexual manner.
she didnt seem to understand the weight of her comment but did apologize. i found it interesting that she was willing and ready when it popped up like nothing happened and yes, i told her that. apparently she was very sexually frustrated, she had come to expect a certain level of satisfaction from me.
i accepted her apology and let it go...
im sticking with my opinion on the value of sex in a marriage between youngish people.

FYI, My Internist put me on prescription doses of Vitamin D a few years ago, like 100,000 once a week for a few weeks. Then I took 2,000 IU a day. My blood reading got to 39 which was just in the normal range.

My nutritionist said MD's are satisfied when your reading is in the normal range but the optimum range is 80+.

I was found to have a vitamin D level (30) that according to my PCP is "on the cusp of what is acceptable." He now has me take 2800 iu per day. I was not aware of the connection between vitamin D and testosterone levels and that is another good reason to be taking a good vitamin D supplement.

5459 glad to hear that you finally have some guidance towards tackling the issue. Personally I think stress was playing a role in your situation as well, which was probably aggravated by the apparent miscommunication with your wife.

CTBarrister,

I'd like to suggest you look into vitamin D more. My Internist has noticed the levels going up and asked why I was taking more. She didn't think of any reason why I should lower it.

She had me taking vitamin C with the Iron supplement she put me on after the surgeries and noticed I forgot to quit taking the C after stopping the Iron. She told me to stop taking the C. She monitors my supplements along with my medications. She has many IBD patients.

I find it interesting that she is getting all the blame and that it was necessary for her to apologize but you didn't think it appropriate to apologize for your part in the dynamics. As someone mentioned, your wife may have said she didn't want sex just to let you off the hook so you didn't feel guilty about being unable to perform. It's clear that she is still interested in having sex. What's not clear is why she 'gets' to shoulder ALL the blame.

kathy

I find it curious Kathy that you are still giving me advice in regards to a situation that you have shown almst zero grasp of. Not to mention i've made it crystal clear that your rights are not of any value to me on this matter. Out appears to me you have an agenda and I couldn't be less interested in your take, besides you've repeated yourself over and over. Take it down the road already, the matter is resolved!

This is a public website/support group so I would think you would expect comments from the public. I also believe that my response is not the same as my previous replies as this time I stated that it would seem only appropriate for You to apologize to her. Just my opinion, but your relationship seems very one-sided with your wife doing the giving and you doing the receiving.

I'm very glad that things seem to be looking 'up' for you with the addition of vitamin D.

kathy

5459
I'm glad that you are doing better and hope it continues. I feel guilty because I am in pain all the time and my husband and I rarely have intercourse. He doesn't pressure me but says something every now and then - jokingly. After all he's been through with me I just let those comments pass. I've heard over and over again how people with IBD loose their spouses or significant others because they don't want to be with an ill partner. Our kids are grown married adults and I feel blessed that he is so understanding of all of my problems. He has had to pick up a lot of my regular household and other duties.

We may have some gray hair but are still young enough to want and have a sex life. A friend of mine divorced her husband because she said she felt like she was living with her brother. I feel sorry for her husband in a way but we never know all sides.

I don't know why you think Kathy, mine or any woman's remarks are uncalled for. I believe she/we are only saying that it is never one sided. Never is one person 100% to be blamed. It is hard on our spouses and there are times when they can't hold it all in. Just like there are times when Kathy and I can't hold it all in.

Again I am happy you are feeling better and hope 2013 is better for all of us. I, for one, am glad 2012 is almost over

I also think a woman's perspective on this issue is appropriate. Unfortunately in the men's and women's health forums and in threads like this one about male/female relationships, there is sometimes an "us against them" lockeroom mentality that rears its ugly head. I saw this recently when I made a post in the women's health forum which I thought was helpful, but which apparently was not appreciated by some while being welcomed by others. This is in fact a public forum and I think it does help to have both sides of a potential issue because it maximizes the potential insight into the problem and therefore maximizes potential resolution of the issue. It's true that men and women sometimes have different perspectives on the same issues and it is helpful I think to know how the "other half" sees things regardless of which sex you are.

I have always thought sex is more important to men strictly from a biological and hormonal standpoint. But it goes beyond physical hormonal urges and horniness into the whole realm of self esteem and perception of one's own masculinity. On the other hand it is helpful to know how women react to these issues that we have. I think there were several very helpful and insightful posts in this thread by female posters.

Hi TEMarie~ I am 4 years post surgery. Sex was definately different after surgery. Very different. Dont give up as it does get better with time and practice. I had issues with things being very snug and painful. Trust with my partner and his willingness to do whatever is what got me past that. To 5459.Sorry about your feelings about surgery. I understand the feeling against having the surgery. I refused until I had no choice. Then it just had to be done. If I had the surgery sooner, I would always wonder if it was the right decision. Now, I wonder if I waited too long and endured alot of extra pain and suffering as well as being a super sick mom to my kids. I lived on prednisone pre-surgery but with time (years!)it just became less effective for me. It's hard to say what your experience might have been had you not had the surgery. I know I was still recovering from the surgery and the illness at 2 1/2 years out. It does get better.Hang in there.

phoenix,
Thank you for your advice and you are describing the problem. I just passed my 2 year anniversary and appreciate you telling me it took you a half a year longer to recover and that I am not the only one with this issue.

It appears as I am the wife that no longer wants to have (painful) sex. I'm glad this discussion was started.

Thanks 5459

my intent was by no means to offend those who contributed resolution based insight and thought. those posts were appreciated and helpful.

Surgeons just want to cut and go to the next surgery...at least mine was that way. That's why I am blessed with an Internist that has many IBD patients. She takes care of all of my medications. The last time I saw my surgeon, a year ago at my first year appt. he said I had some bleeding around the cuff and gave me a prescription for 14 days of Anucort. I came home and called my GI. He treated the cuffitis, which the surgeon blew off - even after I told said surgeon I'd had a toilet with a lot of blood in it a few days before his primitive straight scope. He took no biopsies, pictures and it was painful. After my GI treated me for 6 more weeks with Canasa, based on what my surgeon told him he saw, he finally did a proper flex scope. He took biopsies, and tested a stool sample, took pictures and scare us all. I also had a c-diff infection with the cuffitis. These are 2 nasty problems that I had probably had for at least 6 months. He got rid of my c-diff with Flagyl and sent me to an IBD GI specialist at the Mayo clinic. He helped me finally get control of my cuffitis and also diagnosed me with IPS.

BTW both pathology reports, from my local and the Mayo GIs, diagnosed my cuffitis as UC with lots of detail. SO when they say we will be cured they lied.

The doctor that did my flex scope at Mayo's said my C/R surgeon did a great job making my pouch. So he's a good surgeon but I will never go to him for a scope again. I suffered for months all because he wanted to make $$ on an annual 10 minute straight scope and did no biopsies.

See why I've been in so much pain that sex was the last thing on my mind?

Sorry for going on and on but I don't want anyone to suffer needlessly. C-diff is serious, it took almost a month of Flagyl to get rid of it. Some people get it so bad they end up in the hospital and segregated like they do with people that have MRSA. A guy in another support group had c-diff so bad they had to give him a fecal transplant.

Dear 5459, since my illness and surgeries I have been very curious about how this same journey would affect men. I am sorry to hear that your partner is so...cruel. Our body image and self-esteem undergoes such drastic assaults during illness and surgery no matter our gender. I was still stitched up and drugged out of my skull post-op and my main fear was whether or not I would still be horny and whether it would hurt to have sex. I am lucky to have a supportive partner who is patient. I can not believe she would not try to find other ways to be intimate with you? Massage, touching, bath time for a loving lover there are so many things you guys could try to rebuild the intimacy and try to boost your self esteem. Sounds like you married a dud in the sack if she isn't willing to explore your options together. FYI not all women will act this way, someone who truly cares for you and wants to share intimacy will find a way. Where is her patience and caring support? Your tale of woe grinds my gears, it truly does. It could also be a generational thing, if she was a lazy lover before and not comfortable with her own sexuality that could be a factor. Good luck, may happy sexy time be in your future.