Before, I was thinking of the preimplantation diagnosis when I was ready to have children. However, after my first surgery with the colectomy I got an ileus for three weeks, two NG tubes, and it was the worst experience of my life. Until last week, when I got my ileostomy closure, got an ileus, got a blockage, another NG tube (this one made me vomit tons of blood and I'm still barely able to speak), and spent Christmas crying in the hospital. If you get pregnant, they recommend a C-section. That's another major surgery and a risk of an ileus, which I get if a doctor merely thinks of my intestines. I believe many women with j-pouches can give birth naturally, but then if your v tears to your a, in my surgeon's words, that would be "disastrous". From more reading, I think best case scenario in that event is trying to fix the j-pouch and creating a temporary ileostomy while the pouch heals. Which, is another abdominal surgery, and I again get an ileus because my body sucks.
So for me, my desire to have children died on Christmas. I had names picked out and I had thought about how I would raise them to be intelligent and kind-hearted and I was always talking about my future children. When I was one and a half I tried to declare my newborn sister, which was oddly enough, on Christmas also. It hurts because everyone always called me the mother hen and a natural mother and then it turns out I have this stupid disease that I can pass on to my children, and even if I can surmount that my body is so sensitive to every surgery I just can't risk the pain and trauma again even though it absolutely breaks my heart.
Sorry I didn't mean to write so much! I just got home from the hospital and it's been very emotional.