Samantha
Czosnek's story
I suddenly looked up at my parents,
smiling I said; " Mom and Dad, I may be in a lot of pain,
but I am the happiest girl in the world." I knew at that
moment, even if the j-pouch was not going to be a success, I
was going to be pain free and not bleeding anymore. At this moment,
I knew I was going to survive!
Hi,
My name is Samantha Czosnek. I am 17 years old. I am in my final
year of High School.
When I was 15, I found myself in the hospital. Followed by more
then my share of readmissions with the effects of blood loss
and weight loss(27lbs), IV's, prednisone (hair loss), Remicaid,
TPN, Lipids (with insulin to counter-act the effects) and almost
hourly labs with blood transfusions. I thought for sure I was
going to die. The pain and weakness was so bad at times, that
I really did not fear death. Anything to silence the pain would
work for me.
A sigmoidoscopy confirmed a diagnosis of UC. Finally I received
a central line, never making it to the last step before surgery,
which was the cyclosporine.
Being transported to another hospital in Boston.
Finally I was having my large intestines removed, having an ileostomy
bag with plans for a J-Pouch.
I woke from surgery to find my parents standing at my side. I
placed my hand down to my right side of my abdomen, feeling for
the bag. I was in so much pain!
I suddenly looked up at my parents, smiling I said; " Mom
and Dad, I may be in a lot of pain, but I am the happiest girl
in the world." I knew at that moment, even if the j-pouch
was not going to be a success, I was going to be pain free and
not bleeding anymore. At this moment, I knew I was going to survive!
We had to put my second surgery off for an extra month, due to
my poor nutrition and blood count.
I tried to return to school, which was more of a challenge then
learning to clean my ileostomy. I found that I needed to make
this a positive feeling, inside my heart. I went to my junk drawer
and pulled out all my stickers. Placing them on my bag. Every
day I found a new sticker to put on my bag. I always made sure
there was a smiley face right on the top.
I found myself standing in front of the mirror one day, looking
at my bag, thinking about class mates that whisper, and some
who laugh. I ask myself, why am I not crying? Why am I not mad?
Then (not being a poet) I found myself writing:
I see for Myself and Myself I see
I try to look in the mirror fearing to see
The girl I was is no longer in me.
I raise my head as slow as I can.
Wishing I could hide my eye’s with a hand.
As I look up I see nothing but fog
From the shower I took which made me waterlogged.
Thankful I am this venture has slow pace.
I was worried of my expression on my face.
I slowly wipe the mist from the mirror.
Fearing the image will give me terror.
Looking through the mist eye to my eye.
I hold back my tears and swear I will not cry.
Wiping this image from this glass reflection.
My fear becomes greater with my own rejection.
Slowly I see more self image of me
Trying to forget I have an ileostomy.
As I finally get angry inside
The little girl in me wants to go hide
I wipe harder and faster as anger sets in
Looking down at my belly Yelling OK YOU WIN.
I am just a teen who should be testing dad and mom.
By running the roads and having too much fun.
What lesson was to be learned and understood
If I can’t be like some teens and I have to be good?
As I completely wipe the mirror dry
I see this image from the side of my eye.
Looking more careful then I thought I would.
I see something new and finally understood.
You have tried to be angry and bitter I thought?
But you can’t because the lesson was already taught.
You have already learned what some may never
That image you see is yours forever.
My lesson learned became clear to me
Image is not from the reflection we SEE.
It comes from within as the mist clears
The thoughts of self through out our years.
A mirror can give you image as we all see
But it can’t give you inner self of who we need to be.
Take time to look in the mirror I say
Make sure to wipe the outer image away.
What I have been given is not so bad
As I stand here now I am no longer sad.
I see for myself and myself I see
The person I always wanted to be.
Thanks to you all, all that have been with me though this.
I will always remember and never forget the wonderful people
you are. That I am sure is why I see for myself and myself I
see ! Oct 22nd, 2000
Since then, I had the second surgery, which was successful. I
had worked as hard as I could, to get through my Sophomore and
Junior years. Learning to work with the J-pouch. I had my ups
and downs. TODAY at 17 and in my senior year of high school,
I have very big plans. I want to go to college to be a NURSE,
I want to work with people to share silently, my understanding
of whatever it is they have to go through. I have lived the best
life I could ever imagine.
Samantha Czosnek
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