I am/was the sick spouse...hubby has always been healthy as a horse and never a cold or flew...so dealing with a sickness, illness or medical problem was sooo way out of left field to him that he never knew what to do with it or about it.
He tried pity, sympathy, anger, frustration, rejection and every other emotion under the rainbow...he finally settled for passive-agressive. He turned into a frustrated 2yr old. He had no idea how to act.
It was almost the end of us.
Then we found our balance, learned to love each other as we were (gimpy, grumpy and cranky) and move on to a happy place where I was finally feeling good, back to work and confident in us.
Then he had a heart attack. And I finally understood.
It is terrifying. I was lost, panicked and totally undone. Although I had a lot of experience with illness and death I had never felt this lost. I couldn't help him, save him or make his heart beat for him and I couldn't give him mine. I wanted to crawl into his chest and pump it for him.
I managed to get the right people over in time and save him but it left me shaken, shattered and in the throws of PTSD like I had never had when I was sick.
I turned into a raving lunatic, sreaming nutcase and bowl of jello. I cried all the time, yelled at him like never before and nearly broke every dish in the house. I was sleepless, sitting up in bed with my hand on his chest waiting for the darn ticker to stop ticking.
It took months (ok, fine, a full year) for me to climb back in off of the ledge.
He can now go out for a walk without me panicking. He can fall asleep on the sofa without me listening to his breathing (still do it occasionally)...
Being the spouse sucks. NO question about it. You become the silent victim of someone else's disease and are a helpless 2yr old begging for mommy to come back.
I have no advice, no special magic cure except for, Keep talking, never close the other one out and force them to open up. And don't forget the sexuality. Sick does not mean neurtered. We still have desires and needs. Sometimes sex is just a way of reassuring the other that you are still a couple and 'normal'.
Sharon